Ever felt like your relationship is trapped in a cycle of fiction, fueled by myths and unrealistic expectations? It's time to break free. On today’s episode of Love Lessons, we expose the falsehoods that are creeping into your love life, propagated by pop culture, romance novels, and even popular music. It's time to untangle these web of lies and lay a solid foundation of truth and faith in your relationship.

Our journey on this enlightening path takes an unexpected turn as we veer into the domain of unbalanced relationship dynamics. We talk about the roles we often find ourselves playing and the futility of attempting to change our partner. Do you think two people are needed to mend a relationship? Perhaps, our personal anecdotes and experiences might make you think otherwise. Through some amusing tales about our chaotic relationships and sketchy massage experiences during our travels, we hope to emphasize the significance of filling your spouse’s ‘love tank’.

Finally, we bring you some laughter and shared empathy through our hilarious encounters with massages in foreign lands. These stories, complete with language barriers and cultural differences, serve as a perfect metaphor for the importance of self-awareness and clear communication. So, come aboard the Love Lessons journey, and enrich your marriage and life with our faith-based tips, tricks, and challenges. Let's strip away the myths, embrace the truth, and build a stronger bond in our relationships.

Episode Transcript

ZAKK

Host

00:01

Have you ever looked at your relationship and thought this is not what I signed up for, that your idea of marriage doesn't line up with reality? Well, on today's show, we're looking at the myths of marriage and how falling victim to these myths might be impacting the health of your relationship. It's all coming up right now on Love Lessons.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

00:26

Real life, real talk, real relationships, faith-based tips, tricks and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life. It's the Love Lessons podcast, with your hosts, christian counselors and marriage experts Dr Zach and Blair Gammon.

BLAIRE

Host

00:49

Hey guys, welcome to episode 4, Marriage Myths.

ZAKK

Host

00:55

I am really excited about this topic because this is something that a lot of people struggle with and maybe you don't even realize they struggle with.

BLAIRE

Host

01:02

I know the current myth that I've got in my head.

ZAKK

Host

01:04

Ooh, what's that?

BLAIRE

Host

01:05

Actually, I think it's truth and you would think it's a myth.

ZAKK

Host

01:07

Okay.

BLAIRE

Host

01:08

That I have to have Starbucks every day.

ZAKK

Host

01:10

Ooh, that's definitely a myth. Our bank account would tell you. That's also a myth. You want to hear my current favorite myth? It's that everyone loves fun facts, when the reality is that maybe I'm the only one you want to hear today's fun fact, because it talks about this specifically related to myths. Okay, here it is. When a study of divorced people, 45% of the respondents said that unrealistic expectations in their marriage, either by them or their partner, was a major contributor to the end of their marriage. Nearly half of the people who were divorced said that was a major contributor to the end of their marriage.

BLAIRE

Host

01:50

It's a good thing that we're talking about unrealistic expectations, along with marriage myths.

ZAKK

Host

01:55

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

01:57

Child brings in truth to what our relationships should look like.

ZAKK

Host

01:59

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

02:01

Before we jump into common marriage myths, I think it's important that we actually look at what is a myth and what impact those can have on our relationships. While we don't need to believe those First off, a myth is, by definition, just a widely held belief. That is false. It is untrue. If we fall into that category where we believe untrue things, then that's going to cause a plethora of issues in our relationships.

ZAKK

Host

02:30

Yeah, the problem with believing these myths is that when we believe them, we use them as a blueprint or a benchmark for what our relationship should look like. But our view of what our relationship should look like is built on a lie. Then the relationship is doomed to fail Right. So we see things in pop culture a cute little rom-com that makes you feel good because, after these two people have done all the wrong things, suddenly the man does something right. Or you've got a trashy romance novel that makes it look like every single moment of your life should be super intense and passionate. Or a song that talks about I don't know how your wife left, your dog left, your truck left, and it's a real sad country song. Whatever it is, we believe these lies based on the stuff that we hear, Because we set our basis for truth in the world when in reality, we should be sitting it on the word.

BLAIRE

Host

03:24

Absolutely so. What we do is we actually set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations on our relationship, but also that we place on our partner. So, going back to your example here of a romance novel, if the love interest the male love interest, for example is eloquently conveying how much he loves and adores the female love interest in this romance novel, a woman might leave reading that novel thinking why doesn't my husband say all these things to me? He says I love you and rolls over and starts snoring and goes to sleep and he doesn't do all the things that they do in this romance novel. And what I'll say is sis, a woman wrote that.

04:07

A woman is the one who came up with that dialogue. That wasn't even a man coming up with it, that's not even coming from a man's brain. So are you comparing your spouse to a, you know, fictitious character in a book or in a movie, when that's not actually how real life relationships work? That is the highlight reel, that's the hope, that's not the reality. So we don't want to dash everyone's hopes and dreams, but we also want to show you that there's a realistic way that relationships occur and it's usually not the highlight reel that we see on social media, or the good parts of people's marriage that they want us to see, or what's on TV or in books Like what does actual, true relationships look like?

ZAKK

Host

04:48

And I think it's important to recognize, too, that a lot of these myths that we see are based on half truths. Right, my husband should always love and adore me? Yes, he should. But the reality is, is that you should love and honor your husband too, right, my wife should want to take care of me? Yes, that's true, but you should also honor and adore her, right? And so when one of those things get out of balance, then everything gets thrown off, and the reality is, is that we're imperfect humans and so we're going to mess it up. And so if you walk around believing that myth that you know you should always be adored and cherished, or you should always be taking care of and honored and respected, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

BLAIRE

Host

05:30

Because when you're not, then there's dissatisfaction and anger and resentment. And why? Why am I not being taken care of? I deserve better. And then sometimes that can cause us to look on. You know, the whole grass is greener on the other side concept, and that's a myth too, guys. But we can start looking elsewhere to meet our needs because we feel like they're not getting met at home.

ZAKK

Host

05:53

So let's talk about some of these myths. Number one, I think, is a big one. It's something that I see, honestly, almost every time that a couple comes in for marriage counseling, and it is the myth that changing a relationship requires two people. The fact of the matter is, is that one person can make a significant change in the relationship, right? So I've used this example before, maybe on this podcast. But if I start doing meth and you don't do anything, you continue doing what you're doing that's still going to have a negative impact on the relationship, right? If I start buying you flowers every day, that's going to have an impact on the relationship, even if you don't do anything. Right? You might feel happier or more loved and valued as long as you don't see our bank account because of how expensive it is. But those little changes in a relationship, or even big changes in a relationship, can come from one person. It's ideal when both people want to see a relationship and that's what people want.

06:50

Right Again, what's ideal doesn't always match reality, and so it's important to understand that myth going in, and understand the role that you're playing in, if you're contributing to that myth, because here's what ends up happening. A lot of times I see people going one of two directions. Number one is that the person, like doubles down and they try to force the other person to change. They think if I just try harder, they're going to focus more, right? I mean, how often do you see that when couples come in where one person is there in like hyper control mode, not like the meaning kind of way, but they're? They're trying all these different ways to get the other person to see their point of view, to fix the relationship right.

BLAIRE

Host

07:33

So I'm going to send them books or podcasts about the things that I've talked to them about. I'm going to say did you read it? I need you to read it, I need you to listen to it. Did you do this? Did you do that, Did you? Hey, I need like just trying to control their behavior and its behavior modification that we're trying to do.

ZAKK

Host

07:47

Right. And another option is the other end of the spectrum. Right it is. I am just going to throw my hands up and say, well, there's no point in trying here, because they're not trying and nobody cares, so I'm not going to care either.

BLAIRE

Host

07:59

They don't care about me. I'm not going to care about the relationship.

ZAKK

Host

08:02

Right and you sound like a 12 year old.

BLAIRE

Host

08:05

It's pursuer and dissenter.

ZAKK

Host

08:06

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so you, you have to understand that if you want to see meaningful relationship change, then you have to be willing to do meaningful change on your own Right. And I mean again, so many things that we talk about here relates to codependency. But if you are so focused on getting the other person to make the changes you want them to see, while not focusing on your own change, then you're just setting the situation up for failure. That's codependency, that's not relationship change. And something that I hear often when people try to justify their reason for doing this is they'll say now, don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of mistakes and I'm not the best spouse, but, and then they start talking about everything that the other person's doing. And I'm like, when you put that butt in there, you just invalidated everything that you said.

BLAIRE

Host

08:56

It actually goes into myth number two, which is if I try harder, I can change my spouse. We are only able and responsible to change ourselves. We are only responsible for our own behavior. And so, just like you said, when we try to do that and pose our will on another person and try to control them, then there's all the dysfunction that takes place there. And we have to be aware that we're even doing that controlling behavior.

09:23

I'll meet with people and they'll say but I'm not controlling. And then they'll give me a list of all the ways that they are. And I'm like you're not self aware that you're even doing this. Are you Like, if you come in and you have an issue, then let's figure out how you're contributing to it. And if you tell me my spouse does ABCD and E, then I'm going to go okay, what are you doing? Because two people it takes to change, but they're also both parties can usually most of the time contribute to the dysfunction. Now, maybe one so more than the other, depending on the circumstances, if there's some sort of addiction or something. But both parties have a role in this party's place. And my question is what are you doing and are you self aware of what you're doing and how many you control yourself and not your spouse. Where are your boundaries at?

ZAKK

Host

10:07

I had a counselor one time say I heard them say when they had a couple that would come in and, just using an example, the husband had cheated on the wife. The first thing that she would do is look at the wife and say what did you do wrong? Now I don't want all the feminists to come out of the woodwork. Point is is that if you're here because you want to seek reconciliation, your husband did a whole lot that it's going to have to be worked through, but you're not perfect either. So if you didn't do anything to contribute to him, you didn't force him to go out and have an affair. That's on him, yes, but you have also contributed to relationship dysfunction and she did it not to make someone feel bad because their husband did something wrong, but to.

10:49

It's very jarring when you're asked that question and it really forces you to think okay, so have I contributed something to the negativity of this relationship? His choices are his, but I might still be contributing, and it was. When I heard that I was like, ooh, and I don't like it, but it's, it's, it's true, right. So, and you know again, it's, it's worth pointing out, it's worth saying that, ideally, two people do change a relationship or change in a relationship right. But if you are so focused on getting the other person to put forth the change, then you're not really worried about changing yourself. And I have never, never once seen a couple come into marriage counseling that both people didn't have something that could be worked on, right. So if you're dragging your spouse because they need to do the work and to change, then you're kind of missing the whole point and you're really setting yourself up for failure.

BLAIRE

Host

11:45

And we tell you this as people who have struggled with this myth. We're telling ourselves we got married very young and did it really know who we were as persons, what our identity was in Christ? You know all of that stuff. And then you know, add in some childhood dysfunction, a little bit of glitter there, and then you have this beautiful picture of us trying to control the other person and among each other's behavior. And so until we realized, okay, this isn't working, why am I hitting my head against the wall, expecting different results? It finally took us realizing that to be able to allow room for the other person to actually make change, because a lot of times when we try to control people into change, they're going to rebel into the exact opposite.

ZAKK

Host

12:23

Absolutely.

BLAIRE

Host

12:24

And wanting them to do something different is only in trying to force their hand and control that. It's only going to push them away further.

ZAKK

Host

12:31

Exactly.

BLAIRE

Host

12:32

We don't realize.

ZAKK

Host

12:33

Right, let me offer a little aside here. That's sort of related but sort of not. If you are married to someone who is very laid back about everything they're a pretty quiet person and not a whole lot ruffles their feather. Let's say you've been married to this person five, 10 or 15 years you're not going to drag this person to marriage counseling and convince them to suddenly care about everything. I can't tell you how many times that I've seen couples and this is not just a man issue or a woman issue. I've seen it on both sides of the fence.

13:04

So get those automatic thoughts out of your head as I'm describing this. If your spouse Seems very disinterested and they'll go, I don't know, I don't care, and you try to talk about stuff and they don't ever want to talk about stuff. Or you start talking about feelings and you see them shutting down. Dragging them to marriage counseling is not suddenly going to change who they are. To get them to start opening up right now. If you're someone who struggled with trauma or you struggle with something bad and you your your Response has always been to stuff stuff down, then yes, we can work through that. But if your spouse is somebody who's generally quiet, don't drive them to marriage counseling trying to get them to open up, because if they're not gonna open up when it's you one-on-one, they're certainly not gonna do it when it's two-on-one right. That's not the point of marriage counseling.

BLAIRE

Host

13:49

Yeah, if you're trying to force them to be somebody that they're not. My question here is have they always been this way and why are you frustrated with it now? You knew what you married. Did you go into it thinking that you would change that one area of them and that they would change, and now you're frustrated because they Haven't, after all, the years.

14:06

That's not to say again that can't, that counseling can't help. But you're not going to co-hearse the counselor into forcing your spouse to change right, and that's the other thing. I can't change you. I've tried, so I'm gonna take you to counseling and see if they can change, right girl. If he ain't wearing a diaper, you can't change him and that it and it's not my responsibility as a counselor to change your husband or your wife or their diaper or their diver.

ZAKK

Host

14:29

So the next myth is one that we see often, and especially with younger couples right, my spouse will be everything to me, my spouse is going to take care of everything, they're gonna heal all the childhood wounds, they're gonna fill every gap that I've ever had. And the problem is, is that number one, this is not based in reality. But then, number two, our, our expectations, tend to just feel that fire even more right. And so, going back into the previous myths that we've talked about, they just start piling on right and they, they create this version of this person in our head. That's supposed to be perfect, that's supposed to do all of this for me, and it's. It sets us up for failure.

BLAIRE

Host

15:13

Yeah, because that person can never do those things right, and so then you have a negative experience and Feel like that person doesn't care about you or love you or can't meet your needs, and then that that process continues and so over time you have all of this anger, resentment, animosity that this person doesn't care and love you and isn't everything to you, because they're not doing what it is you think they should do. Yeah, when we really need to have a healthy outlook on what that is. Yeah, I mean, think about it. Can somebody be your sexual partner and your housekeeper and your partner in parenting and you know all of these different things, like when you look at the list of what a spouse is. Can that person meet all those needs every single time?

15:56

at 100% capacity can they be everything to you? No, no, it's unrealistic right.

ZAKK

Host

16:03

So you know it makes sense when you think about it, why people feel this way. Right, like you, when you get into a relationship with somebody and you're dating, look, you're just infatuated with this person. They're most, they're the most attractive person that you've ever seen and everything about them is wonderful. And all of those little quirks that all the other they're previous their exes found cute or found frustrating, you find cute. And so there's, there's this, just it's new and it's exciting and it's fun.

16:28

And then after sometimes within the dating relationship, but certainly after people get married there's like this period of disillusionment almost, where suddenly you realize, oh, this person is not perfect. And so when you reach this stage this is where you determine whether this is going to develop into something healthy or you're gonna create some of these unrealistic expectations. Right, so you could dive in and you can try to change your spouse or get them to be what you wanted them to be, how you imagined they would be when you were thinking they should be everything to you or you, you go the what's hopefully a more healthy direction and accept the fact that they're not a perfect person. Right and Right, exactly seem to miss.

17:10

We give ourselves a whole lot of grace for messing up and yet hold that back from the other person, right?

BLAIRE

Host

17:14

and say we do the opposite. Yeah, I know I'm not perfect, but do you right? Can you really consider what that looks like? Yeah, so this next myth my partner should meet all my needs is very similar to the last one we talked about. My partner should be everything to me, and so it's very similar.

17:33

We hold them to these unrealistic expectations that they should meet all of our needs and our desires with. That's not actually their role. And so, when you look at it, if my need is to feel valued for example, learnings to feel valued Zach can greatly contribute to that. There are a lot of things that you can do to make me feel valued.

17:54

But at the end of the day, my value is not based on what you do for me or what you think of me. It's not a you issue. My value and my self concept is a me issue, and so when we place our needs on another person, we're not taking any responsibility ourselves for how we get those needs met and, more importantly, we're not figuring out where God even is in any of that and what his role in getting those needs of our Smith if you are seeking to get your needs met, especially when it comes to worth and value outside of the Holy Spirit working within you, the person who placed that value within you to begin with, then you're just setting yourself and your spouse up for failure.

ZAKK

Host

18:38

So that's a really good example for you, right, we've. That was something that we struggled with in our relationship early on is that you needed to fill value, you needed to have some sense of self worth, and one of the challenges I think for you was is that you didn't even know how to put that into words because it wasn't even. You didn't even realize that that was a need that you had, right. And then, for me personally, I have this need just to feel loved, because, you know, I had an absentee parent and she was gone. My mother was gone for most of my life growing up and then, you know, passed away shortly before we got married.

19:12

So there was not even an opportunity for, for healing and reconciliation in our relationship, right, and so, not that I needed you to be my mother, but I placed a very high expectation on you to meet all of the needs of this, this brokenness that I had inside of me without even realizing it right.

19:30

So so here you are, on one side of the fence and you're needing to feel valued and to feel worthy, and I can't give that to you because of my own brokenness, where I'm trying to pull from you to feel loved. And we just created this, this very chaotic relationship, where we were both trying to pull from the other person to meet needs that we didn't even a know how to quantify and put into words, and, b didn't even know how to get those needs met in a healthy way to begin with. And so there's there's nothing that you can offer because you're trying to get your tank filled up. There's nothing I can offer because I'm trying to get my tank filled up. And so it just created this, this distance between us. And every time that we try to get closer to each other, we ended up just putting up another wall, right?

BLAIRE

Host

20:14

And so the goal in a healthy relationship is I'm not going to worry about my tank getting filled up, because I'm going to focus on filling up my spouses and, in return, they're not going to worry about getting their tank filled up by themselves. They're going to focus on on their spouse. And so if you're focusing, each of you are focusing on the other person, your tank, your love tank I know it's corning, but it's true. You know that is getting filled up. It's just not by you. You're not meeting your own needs and that way you're doing that selfless love to another person and everyone's still happy to put it off.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

20:47

This episode of the Love Lessons podcast is brought to you by Revive Counseling Center. Revive provides faith-based counseling services to help people find spiritual, emotional and physical wellness, with multiple in-person locations, as well as convenient online counseling options. Revive Counseling Center has helped countless marriages and individuals find help and healing, allowing people to create fulfilling and thriving relationships, reviving hope and restoring lives. Learn more at ReviveCounsellingorg.

ZAKK

Host

21:19

I have a fun fact. Someone that I happen to be married to often likes to make us get some sketchy massages from some sketchy places when we go places. Do you know anything about this?

BLAIRE

Host

21:41

Listen, I'm just trying to get the deal. I'm just trying to get a massage on the cheap.

ZAKK

Host

21:47

Oh, they've been on the cheap and there have been some experiences.

BLAIRE

Host

21:55

I'm sorry, but have you enjoyed them?

ZAKK

Host

21:58

Honestly no.

BLAIRE

Host

22:00

Oh, I really thought we liked them. That's why I keep doing it.

ZAKK

Host

22:05

You keep doing it because it's funny. Let me. Let me set the stage for some folks Shame. So these are my two favorite ones. So a few years ago we were in Mexico, we were on a cruise and we had just gotten off the boat, right, and my dear, sweet, loving wife, as we're on the shuttle where we had gotten dropped off from the ship we're going to where we're supposed to be going, has informed me that we are going to get a massage when we arrive and that's all that I know. And so we get off of the shuttle and some lady who I think the only word English word she knew was massage, is just shouting it at people and my wife took her up on it and it was cheap.

BLAIRE

Host

23:00

It was like $20 for an hour.

ZAKK

Host

23:02

For, like both of us, right, so so, so, let me, let me just well, let me just create a visual here, all right. So this is if you're listening to this in the car with kids in the car, this is the time to turn this off. So we, we go into this little. I would call it a hut.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

23:22

It was like a shed.

ZAKK

Host

23:23

Yes, a massage shed. And so we walk into the massage shed and there are four beds Massage tables, I guess is what they're called. It's in the massage shed. It's definitely a bed. Two spots were available and then there was another couple I'm assuming there are couples a man and a woman who was in there getting a massage Okay, and Not having ever had a massage in Mexico I've literally been in Mexico for all 30 minutes at this point I Not sure what the custom is, but these folks were just butt-naked. And so I walk in to the massage shed and I Saw more of these two people than I ever wanted to see. Layers, just boobs. Wait out on the bed.

BLAIRE

Host

24:17

Well, so if you get a massage in America, Generally there is a sheet that they give you a full-size sheet.

ZAKK

Host

24:25

They don't have sheets in the massage shed.

BLAIRE

Host

24:26

So all was like a sheet on the table that pray that they changed out between being. They didn't. And then they gave you what Was the equivalent of like a hand towel yeah, cover up your body. And you had to choose which parts to have rough with the hand out, which is why the lady was Showing her breasts, because she chose wasly, to be honest listen when you walk into the massage shed and you see that you don't use a cute little word like breasts.

ZAKK

Host

24:55

She had her boobs out. There was a lot going on in the bed, so there were four beds the dude, by the way, let me just mention chose not to use the towel.

BLAIRE

Host

25:05

There was a lot yeah yeah so that should have been the time that I was like let's get out of this, like we don't need to do this but we did, but in typical Blair fashion I pulled those right through it and said, no, we're gonna do yeah, and so we opted to keep our bathing suits on she was trying to get me to take it off right and I was like no man.

ZAKK

Host

25:24

Right, no man, all right. So anyway, we proceeded to get my Mexican massages and the massage shed Mostly closed Beside the naked folks who were not closed. It was very uncomfortable.

BLAIRE

Host

25:42

It was so tiny in there yeah, beds and four women and they were Bumping into each other. You could feel the other massage therapists her arm like brushes.

ZAKK

Host

25:52

Yeah, you moved it. I mean, the room was like Maybe like seven feet by seven feet, maybe, I don't even know. Yeah, yeah, many people, and it was so hot had I laid down on the floor like my head would have almost touched one wall and my feet Almost touched the other. So it's so. We start getting these massages and the these, and it's hot, it is so.

BLAIRE

Host

26:11

It's miserably hot people's hands touching you right but that we take for that and at this point we're committed.

ZAKK

Host

26:17

For now, see it through right. Right, I mean the naked couple us for massage therapists. I'm not sure they were licensed.

BLAIRE

Host

26:26

Is they probably don't have licenses. I don't know that anyway.

ZAKK

Host

26:31

Regardless, we start getting the massage, and so the, the women in broken English, are trying to give us instruction, right, and so, like I don't, she, like they, would try to say, flip over and there'd be like one word in Spanish, one word in English. She barely speaks any English. I barely speak any Spanish. So we're having a hard time communicating, and Normally when I go get a massage I communicate with a massage therapist ahead of time Please don't touch my feet. I hate having my feet touched right and I I didn't know how to communicate that right.

BLAIRE

Host

27:01

What's a foot in Spain?

ZAKK

Host

27:03

and right, and so I just like, okay, well, maybe she won't touch my feet. Well, I thought wrong. And so, after it was all said and done, she goes down toward my feet, she touches the bottom of my foot. I'm so ticklish and so I just jerk it out of the way and she goes. Whoo-hoo, that tickle, and that was it for me, and I lost it and I just was on the verge of cackling. But I didn't want to offend, so I just tried to stifle my laughter and after it was said and done we no ones are goodies, and it actually it wasn't the worst massage I've ever had.

BLAIRE

Host

27:43

The lady kept whispering in my ear, trying to get us to go longer, and I kept saying no. Oh yeah and she was one of the main ladies and she spoke better English. My lady didn't. You kept trying to get Me to go for longer and I was like, lady, I'm trying to get out of what I'm doing right now. I'm like certainly don't want to lay here for longer and I was like, no, thank you, don't thank you. And so, following when it was all over, I was like praise Jesus.

ZAKK

Host

28:04

Yeah, through this yeah. So that was number one.

BLAIRE

Host

28:08

That's just the first one first, as we should have learned, I should have learned a lesson.

ZAKK

Host

28:13

The second time we were in st Louis and you look at me and you're like, hey, we're going to get a massage. I'm like, cool, let's go get a massage. Why you trust?

BLAIRE

Host

28:22

me I know, I think and so it was like a foot spa, like an Asian foot spa. Talk of place. But I didn't know that you did not, you had no idea.

ZAKK

Host

28:37

So we show up at this place, the only English word that they know there is hello, and they answer the phone and I think they said something like you can come now. That was that's about it. And Again, there's a language barrier and I don't know how to communicate right, I'm I'm really good at, like pig, latin. That's about it, that's. That was my first language, my mother tongue, if you will. And so this place it's not quite as sketchy Because it's a freestanding building and not a shed, but it's not a whole lot better once you get inside. So the massage rooms are separated by like shower curtains.

BLAIRE

Host

29:26

Yeah, and of course, big gaps when you close those right.

ZAKK

Host

29:30

So you, you, you walk in and it's just, there's a hallway created by, like you know, when you take your car to the shop, and they just like roll it into a bay that's kind of what it felt like in this place, yeah and to a massage bay, and they would just pull the curtain. Clothes which didn't really, you know, cover a whole lot. So again, thankfully I was not, I was not asked to get naked this time in order to have to, but they, the, the coverings were still pretty small.

BLAIRE

Host

30:02

So yeah, and we got a couple's massage and it was a tiny little room and so our beds were side by side that they were touching. Yeah it was like we were laying on like a queen-side bed, that's all, and there was no room, yeah, around that the edges. And so the ladies were on the bed, on top of the bed.

ZAKK

Host

30:20

Yeah, and there's no communication. That happens with an Asian football foot spa massage, right, so, like it in Mexico, they were at least trying to like communicate and tell us what they were doing, right, right, and so they would at least do it for us gently, so like if you've ever had a massage in the United States, a traditional, like, I guess, american massage, if that's a thing Like it's very calm and they speak like softly, like this, and they're like okay, I'm gonna move your arm now you ready to flip over? There was none of that. I I did get the word flip, is she like she grabbed us and or she grabbed me and just said flip and I got flipped, and so she was strong, I'll give her that, and that was about the extent of it, and so I had no idea what was going on the entire time. It was very awkward. She did touch my feet and I was afraid of her because she was doing what she was doing with a purpose, and so I just took it.

BLAIRE

Host

31:17

Like a man like a man. Yeah, no choice. They were very forceful and and what they did, and they didn't tell you, they just kind of did it. Yeah and or told you what they were doing, as they did it but not for permission, were just like giving you instructions. Right it was. It was also very painful.

31:33

Yes and I told her to lighten up a couple of times and I'm not sure if she understood what I was asking or not. Yeah, one time she laughed at me because I told her to lighten up because I don't like it and the massage right and I was like I'm paying to literally be tortured right now and I like this, but it was also cheap. Yes not as cheap as Mexico, but it was pretty close, pretty cheap.

ZAKK

Host

31:55

Yeah, that was, it was an experience love lessons.

BLAIRE

Host

31:59

Friends, if you all have any recommendations and Places or types of massages that we can get, I'm down to try it. As I might not be, but I'll drive them along. I've worn question feet, okay, but did you die?

ZAKK

Host

32:17

It was close. Yeah, I Will never get the image out of my head of walking into the massage shed in Mexico. It's not a good core memory.

BLAIRE

Host

32:33

I'll pull it to redeem that for you at some point, do you? Do you think we need to go back to Mexico? Simply the better theory to mention.

ZAKK

Host

32:41

No, I'm not going back to the shed. Stop trying to drag me into the shed. Today's love note focuses on that myth that our spouse should be everything that we need, or they should meet all of our needs. The reality is, our spouse can't do that and we can't do that for our spouse. And so in marriage counseling, I encourage people do what scripture says, what Paul instructed us to do to outdo one another in honor. Right, if we are so focused on meeting our spouse's need and our spouse, in return, is so focused on meeting our needs, we can create a really beautiful Relationship.

33:17

The problem is, if we don't know how to meet their need and to help them get their need met, then we're still setting our relationship up for failure.

33:25

So Gary Chapman wrote a book several years ago called the five love languages, and in it he explains how, if we are loving our spouse in the way that we want to be loved, in the way that we need to get our needs met, then we're still not loving them out of a need to serve them. We're loving them out of the way that we want them to serve us. And so if you have never heard of the five love languages, if you've never explored this on your own. I've posted a link in today's show notes with a free quiz that you can take to understand what your love language is and what your partner's love language is. And when the two of you come together, you seek to meet the other person's need through loving them through their love language. It creates a really beautiful relationship of two happy people who have needs that are getting met, rather than trying to meet our Own need in the way that we understand.

BLAIRE

Host

34:14

All right, I got that love note go down. Now I go.

ZAKK

Host

34:18

Yes, we gotta be. I think of a star pack. I'm gonna make a love note just about Starbucks.

BLAIRE

Host

34:25

Oh goodness, guys, thank you so much for tuning in to episode four. Be sure to go give us a follow on our Facebook page and we will see you next time.

ZAKK

Host

34:33

Take care.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

34:37