Ready to shatter some deeply ingrained beliefs about love and marriage? Prepare to be challenged as we debunk common myths and misconceptions that could be hindering your relationship's potential. We explore the notion that love should be easy and conquer all, acknowledging that although love is vital, it isn't a magical cure-all. There's no secret recipe for a successful marriage, but with hard work and continuous cultivation, your relationship can thrive. We also highlight the impact of past relationships on our present ones, advocating for the healing of past relational traumas to better prepare for future relationships.

Turning the spotlight onto the role of love in a marriage, we break down another myth: that relationships remain unchanged post-marriage. The truth is, love is not just an emotion, it's action, and it's crucial to manifest love through our behavior. Meaningful changes in a relationship require active work from both partners, emphasizing that complacency has no place in a successful union. As a reference point, we delve into 1 Corinthians 13 to gauge the health of a marriage and offer practical advice to navigate your relationship's journey. Get ready to break free from unhelpful beliefs and set your relationship up for success.

ZAKK

Host

00:00

When you first got engaged, did you believe that your spouse was going to be everything to you, that they would meet all of your needs? If you've been married for more than five minutes, you know that is not the truth, and yet we still continue to operate out of that false belief. On today's show, we're continuing in our series of marriage myths and we're going to offer some real, practical advice to find freedom from those false beliefs. It's all coming up right now on Love Lessons.

BLAIRE

Host

00:56

Hey guys and welcome to episode five Marriage Myths.

ZAKK

Host

01:00

So we had a really great discussion. We started in episode four. We're continuing in that theme today and continuing on with marriage myths. Did you get your Starbucks after the last episode?

BLAIRE

Host

01:11

Did.

ZAKK

Host

01:12

And.

BLAIRE

Host

01:13

It was delicious.

ZAKK

Host

01:14

And do you feel better I? Do I feel like I needed again to continue sustaining, so you didn't actually learn anything from the myths last time.

BLAIRE

Host

01:24

It's a work in progress. Give me a break. How do you want to grace?

ZAKK

Host

01:29

I'll make you a deal. I will have some grace for you and your Starbucks. If you have some grace for fun facts.

BLAIRE

Host

01:35

Okay, that's a deal. I could do that. Please shower with your fun facts today.

ZAKK

Host

01:40

What's your heart. I know you're lying, but I appreciate you trying. Here's today's fun fact. So a new study finds that 60% of second marriages or remarriages after divorce also end in divorce. That's 60%, and so that tells me that people who are struggling in their first marriage are maybe believing some of these marriage myths. Their first relationship doesn't work out, so then they just jump into the second one, hoping that they can fix it this time around.

BLAIRE

Host

02:10

And usually what happens is that we have relational trauma that we've experienced from that relationship, whether someone did it to us or we did it to ourselves, and that just creates this wall and we keep adding to that the more that we continue in other relationships. So if we're not taking the time to work through and heal and have a right understanding, then it can really lead us down that path.

ZAKK

Host

02:31

You know I've worked with a handful of couples who have come in for marriage counseling, not because anything was necessarily wrong, but they are in a second marriage and they recognize that they carry some of that baggage. You know I have some myths and now I have some baggage that I've carried in here and I just want to make sure that this relationship is successful and so those people who put in that work and effort into their second marriage can find success in it. Right. But we can't just assume that the myths that we believed in our first relationship are going to be taken care of because now we're in a second. So this myth causes a lot of trouble for a lot of people. Marriage should not be a lot of work.

BLAIRE

Host

03:08

It should not be this.

ZAKK

Host

03:09

Right, let's just live on love. Unfortunately, love doesn't figure out who's going to take the trash and who's going to pay the electric bill, right. And so couples go into their relationship thinking usually one of two things. They think, oh, it's going to be easy, we'll figure it out as we go, or they just don't put any thought into it at all. I'm so enamored by this person. Let's just get married.

BLAIRE

Host

03:29

Yeah, you're in that dopamine fixin the beginning, the honeymoon phase of you, and so you're both pretty agreeable at that point. Usually it's like, okay, everything's going to be fine and we're going to work. Any problems that we encounter we're going to solve them together and it's going to be easy to just love each other.

ZAKK

Host

03:44

Love conquers everything. Let's just take on the world together. No, and you know to some degree you are going to figure it out along the way. Right, like you, you're not going to go into marriage knowing everything. And a good, healthy relationship is one where partners know how to find compromise and know how to resolve conflict. But if you believe that everything's just going to be great and just because we love each other so much, then everything's going to fall into place. It doesn't really work that way, because while you might love each other, there are going to be days that you just don't like each other.

BLAIRE

Host

04:13

And if you think it's going to be easy and that's your unrealistic expectation, what are you going to do when it gets hard? And that's not what you want it to be?

ZAKK

Host

04:21

You have put your entire foundation of how you are going to solve issues on the belief that this is going to be easy, and you've literally set your marriage on a foundation of a lie.

BLAIRE

Host

04:31

Absolutely. It's actually pretty tough and you have to dig in at times. It's not always tough, or it shouldn't always be tough, but then definitely are those seasons that are hardening than others. So what are you going to do during those seasons? How are you going to dig in and do the work?

ZAKK

Host

04:44

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

04:45

But there are a lot of fruitful things that come out of doing work. Yeah, we think of a garden. For example, I have several friends that are gardeners and every single one of them say it's a lot of work and every single one of them have said but it's worth it. There's a lot of work that goes into creating a garden, but it's very fruitful at the end. And this is the same thing with a relationship You're cultivating something.

ZAKK

Host

05:06

Exactly, Exactly. You've got to plant some good roots, right. You've got to have some well fertilized and watered soil if you want to see any success out of that in a garden and in a relationship. Right, and you know so. If you're thinking well, that sounds great and all but that. I know that we're always going to love each other and we're always going to have everything figured out. Okay, let me ask you a question what happens if your spouse gets into a car accident and they're suddenly paralyzed? Is love going to fix that? If your spouse makes a mistake and they cheat on you, is love going to fix that? If, Lord forbid, you were to lose a child, is love just going to take care of that? We love each other, we're okay. That's not realistic, right? It's the equivalent of needing to go in for emergency surgery and a doctor saying well, I studied this in school, so that's going to fix it. Now they still have to pick up a scalpel.

BLAIRE

Host

06:02

Yeah, and to do the work.

ZAKK

Host

06:03

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

06:05

So the next myth is that marriage is constant, that marriage does not change, and I mean even verbalizing that sounds silly, right, we know that things change. The only thing that you can count on is that things are going to change. But sometimes we have this unrealistic expectation that we haven't even verbalized in our own heads and realized that we're operating out of this belief system that my spouse should not change, that marriage should not change, that it should always be this way, and really that's not realistic, because life changes. People get sick, people lose jobs, kids come, you have aging parents, different career responsibility all of these different things come up that change and we have to adapt to those things, and so that does cause our marriage to change.

ZAKK

Host

06:52

And that does not have to be a bad thing, right? We got married when we were 19 years old. Thank goodness that we're still not those people.

BLAIRE

Host

07:00

I am so different from when I was 19.

ZAKK

Host

07:02

Yeah.

BLAIRE

Host

07:03

And I'm so thankful for that and I'm thankful that you like who I am today.

ZAKK

Host

07:07

Yeah, and what that comes from. It's not because we're perfect, but it's because early on in our relationship, we had to make a conscious decision and a conscious effort to grow together, understanding that people change. We have different life experiences. We have different situations that have come up good and bad that we've had to learn from, and so if you are walking around expecting that you're going to be that same person, so if you think about somebody who's been married for like 40 years, it's a really good example.

07:37

Those people aren't the same as they were when they got married, or they shouldn't be, right. I don't want to be the same person at 60 that I was at 20. And so that's one of the things that I hear in marriage counseling a lot. One of the first things that people will say when they come in is well, they're not who I married, they shouldn't be, and that's okay, right? I mean, I think back to my own personal experience when we were 19 years old had someone said Zach's going to end up being a counselor, and you are too, and then eventually Zach's going to be a pastor and you're going to have kids and you're going to have all these. You would have been like what?

BLAIRE

Host

08:12

You wouldn't have a capacity for it right right you are not the person that evolved into.

08:16

You are today. For that, yeah, and Honestly, if we're a believer, that is what is supposed to happen to us. It's the process of sanctification. Yes, the God is molding us and growing us and Sandpapering us down, if you will. I'm smoothing those raw veggies into being more like Christ, and so I should it. And and who I am today in five years, I should, I should continue to adapt and change. That's actually healthy. What becomes unhealthy is when we hold our spouse to who they were, yes, and we are not evolved. They are thinking that they might be different I mean our taste buds but they say they change on. For seven years, they evolve and change, so why can't our likes and our dislikes and our? So here's an example from our own relationship. So early on, zach would try to be sweet.

ZAKK

Host

09:04

Oh, I didn't try, I was sweet.

BLAIRE

Host

09:06

You were sweet and you would buy me flowers. While flowers are beautiful and wonderful, at that point in my life, in our lives, we were very broke. We couldn't afford to pay attention, to be honest, to that one, and so the last thing I want it to do is good.

09:23

That was good the last thing that I wanted you to do was to spend the hard-earned money that we needed to pay for, you know, running water and electricity right on something frivolous like flowers, right? I was also a lot more legalistic and rigid and not nearly as gentle and sweet as I am to know, and so amen and.

09:42

So I didn't. I didn't want you to buy me flowers. Well, over time I changed and our situation changed, and flowers, they seem something that I did want, but I didn't communicate that to you and so I had changed. But did you didn't know that, and so then I wanted flowers, and so it took one day when you said something about me Not wanting you to send me flowers and I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I need to explain that I have changed in this area and it wasn't your job to read my mind and know that I had changed. I needed to be aware in my own self that I had made changes in my thinking process and Communicate that to you so that you could try to meet those needs.

ZAKK

Host

10:18

And that really was probably the first time that you realized that you had changed in that right, that you you put like Words to that feeling yes, and so many times we're out so self-aware that we put words to it.

BLAIRE

Host

10:29

We have to like, kind of put it out there and they're like, oh, when you can kind of see and look at it a little bit.

ZAKK

Host

10:34

So there's some great irony with this myth and that many times, people who believe this myth Also believe the myth that it's gonna take both people to change in the relationship, and so they come in mad because something has changed, but then they want the other person to change, and so I really encourage folks to think about that, to think about the, the tension that you're creating because you're believing two false narratives that are already in opposition to each other and you're trying to force both of those into your relationship. Right, the person has changed. They're not who they were when you got married. Maybe that's for the better, maybe it's for the worse, but to see a successful relationship, to see your relationship change now, you are going to have to put some work in to create some meaningful change, right?

ANNOUNCER

Host

11:21

This episode of the Love Lessons podcast is brought to you by Revive Counseling Center. Revive provides faith-based counseling services to help people find spiritual, emotional and physical wellness, with multiple in-person locations as well as convenient online counseling options. Revive Counseling Center has helped countless marriages and individuals find health and healing, allowing people to create fulfilling and thriving relationships, reviving hope and restoring lives. Learn more at ReviveCounselingorg.

ZAKK

Host

11:53

So this myth is actually rooted in some truth. Love is a feeling. It is a feeling. However, it's not just a feeling, it is also an action. Love is an adjective and love is also a verb, and if we are living out of only one of those, then we're setting ourselves up for failure, because if we totally believe that love is a feeling and that's all that it is, then we're setting ourselves up for the ability to fall out of love, which is not really a real thing. If you fall out of love, then you were never really in love in the first place.

BLAIRE

Host

12:30

Yeah. So that's why this can be one of the most destructive myths that there is, because a lot of relationships end over this one. And really think about it for a second. When you meet someone in the beginning, are you and you fall in love with them? Are you really that deeply in love with them? No, you don't know them well enough to be. You're just beginning to learn and know them.

12:56

There's also, again, dopamine and a high level of romantic infatuation. That's going on, so your body is reacting in ways that are influencing your emotions and so, if you are going on, the love is just a feeling. You're waiting for your body to indicate to you this big emotion which tells you hey, I'm in love with this person. When we look at it on the other side, where it is an act of will, it is a choice. You don't know enough about that person at that point to be so deeply in love. That actually comes over time as you learn more about this person and who they are and what makes them tick and what their life experiences are and how they love you and all of that stuff, and so it's actually opposite. We actually should become more in love with our spouse over time and be more committed to them as we learn more about them than in the beginning, when the dopamine is all firing and we're romantically evacuated and they're the best things since widespread.

ZAKK

Host

13:52

So here's a great way to understand this Think about the person you were at 17 years old. Are you that person anymore? And, thank goodness right, you've grown up.

BLAIRE

Host

14:03

Sure my brain fully formed.

ZAKK

Host

14:05

Right, you have a fully functioning frontal cortex at this point, thank goodness. You, as you grow, you mature, and I would think anybody who's even 18 years old is thankful that they're not the person they were at 17 years old, right, and our relationship is a lot like that. Love develops and matures over the years, and so you know there's that statement I love you more than I did yesterday. That's really true if you're putting the work into your relationship, right.

BLAIRE

Host

14:32

That's very true. You have to put work into it and the feelings usually will follow. So if you think of like a professional athlete, they don't just wake up one day and become a professional athlete, right? If you're going to run a marathon, I don't know many people that can wake up, put on some running shoes and run 26.2 miles without any training or a plan. They have to put some work into preparing to get that accomplishment met. And it's the same thing in our relationships we have to put the work in and those feelings will follow.

ZAKK

Host

15:04

You know, I think about the love chapter in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13,. Right, love is patient, love is kind, love is and I really encourage couples it's more than just a cutesy line of passage that we use in a wedding ceremony, because it's actually describing the attributes of God, really right, and if we are growing to be more Christ-like, then that should also describe us. So I encourage people to take out the word love and insert your name in there. It's a great benchmark for where you are in your marriage, because that is truly love and action. Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I exactly? Am I, am I eager to show honor to my spouse? Do I, am I keeping record of wrong or am I living this life in grace with my spouse? And so it's just a great tool to evaluate yourself and where you are. And, honestly, you're probably going to answer no to a lot of those questions, right? Am I patient? Maybe not as patient as I should be. Am I kind? No, but that's that growth process, that's that maturing and love that we have.

16:11

Yeah, with the other person. So all of those things are an act of will. That's an active choice you're making. But when you are actively making those choices, that's when you get those good feelings, those feelings of love with and from the other person.

BLAIRE

Host

16:26

It reminds me I was dating somebody in high school and I went to a cookout one time and all of his family was there and I had already eaten before I got there and they offered me food and I was like, no, thank you, I'm good. And one of the family members, she just laughed and she said, honey, you can't live off of love. And they all laughed and I was so young and I was like, what are they even talking about? But these were people who had been married for years and they understood that they were saying my girlfriend was the same.

ZAKK

Host

16:54

There's a saying and it's not very cooth, but it's very true have you seen those cutesy little signs that people have that says I love you more today than I did yesterday because yesterday you really pissed me off? That's a great example of how love is not always a feeling, right? There are days that we really don't like each other, but we have to choose to love each other.

BLAIRE

Host

17:14

Guys, one week ago we came is that down to record this podcast and we were not feeling it, or each other that day, and we were like we cannot talk to people about marriage today because we're not really doing great in our own. We've got a lot going on and we're not really connected and so we had to put in some work because we didn't have a lot of good feelings.

ZAKK

Host

17:33

We both kind of sat here and sobbed.

BLAIRE

Host

17:35

Yeah, we had our own bull therapy session.

ZAKK

Host

17:37

And for those of you who are just listening to this, you're not watching this on YouTube. We have a whole studio set up here, so there are three cameras in this room that hit us from various angles, and we have monitors with each of these as well, so we can look and see ourselves here, and there are a few things as humbling as watching yourself ugly cry on camera times three right.

17:59

No matter where you look, you see like your red, puffy face, but it was also really helpful and, I think, healing for the both of us. Okay, girl, it's spooky season, but here's the deal therapy does not have to be scary. You ever seen somebody who's terrified when they come into counseling?

BLAIRE

Host

18:18

absolutely more times than not, first session. They come in like I've never done this before, I don't know what I'm doing, what I was supposed to do.

ZAKK

Host

18:24

They're a poor of a man's so here's a here's a little bit of a relief for you. If you come into therapy, that is the most important part of what you have done. That's the. That is the biggest first step. Just just show up. I've got it from here. In the first session, you're probably just going to get asked a bunch of questions. You don't have to try to figure it out. You don't have to try to have your life together. You don't have to try to um understand what the next steps are. That's the counselor's job at that first session. Your job is just to show up.

BLAIRE

Host

18:57

They'll let you know what to do from there yeah, as a counselor, I'm trying to know what I need, to ask you to understand what your goals are for therapy, to lay out a plan for how to execute those and accomplish those, and so you feel like you have to come in and know exactly what to tell me that you need to work on. Usually that doesn't actually work out. I might need a frame of reference, but usually it doesn't work out.

ZAKK

Host

19:16

That's why you're coming to counseling in the first place and so many times people view um, getting to therapy and doing the work in therapy is this big mountain they've got to climb. But really just take that first step right. It's kind of like you know, how do you even elephant?

BLAIRE

Host

19:30

worn by a time exactly so.

ZAKK

Host

19:33

It's in light of spooky season as you're. If you're thinking about going to counseling in your own life, don't overthink it to the point that it freaks you out. Just show up, just take that first step. Make that phone call, book that appointment with that counselor you've been looking at online, but just get there, and I can. I don't want to make a guarantee, but I can almost assure that you'll feel better after you get there and you just sit down and let it, just let it out don't make it be near in your head exactly.

20:01

It's just like that monster under the bed when you were a kid. You know your parent comes in and tells you that hey, listen, it's not there, but you just built it up so much. Um, marriage counseling can feel a lot like that scary monster, but it doesn't have to. Our love note today relates to that myth that marriage should not be a lot of work. If you have believed that lie going into your relationship, then you are setting yourself up for failure, and so that is the reason that pre marital counseling is so incredibly beneficial for folks. And even if you find yourself already married but you never went through that process, there's no reason why you can't do it now, whether you've been married for five minutes or five years or 50 years, and so there are a lot of great resources out there for folks.

20:46

You can go to your pastor, you can go to a counselor. There are a couple of really great programs that are used by counselors all over the country and really all over the world. One of them is called prepare enrich, and then another is called simbous saving your marriage before it starts. These are great resources, and there are so many great tools and programs within these that help set couples up for success. I'll post links in our show notes where you can access and find either a prepare enrich facilitator or a simbous facilitator or, at the very least, go talk to your pastor, go talk to a local counselor, get some insights on things that you can do so that, when conflict arises, you know how to handle it, rather than living in the myth that it should be easy so now comes what I think is going to be my favorite part of the podcast dirty laundry.

BLAIRE

Host

21:40

So we want people to air their dirty laundry? Not really okay. We really just like the title because it has some of the meanings. But this is the time where people can ask us questions. If there's a question they have about relationships or marriage or anything, we're open to that. So we want you all to ask us questions and we, over the course of our podcast, again pull those out and answer those, and you can do those anonymously if you like. Yeah, but we just ask that you don't humiliate or embarrass yourselves. That would do it in a fun like army way right.

ZAKK

Host

22:13

So we don't necessarily know everything right, but we can certainly offer some professional experience or go find the answers to these things right. So if you are someone who is interested in getting a question answered, there are a couple of ways that you can send it to us. Number one you can follow us on facebook. Just search for love lessons and you can send us a message there. Or you can email us at hello at love lessons dot f m. And if you do want to remain anonymous, that's totally fine. Just indicate that in the message and we'll start asking and answering some of those here on the show. So it's going to be a lot of fun. So thank you so much for tuning in to episode number five of the podcast. We look forward to hearing your dirty laundry. See you next time.