Ever wonder how much of what we believe about marriages is just myth? Strap in as we, Dr. Zakk and Blaire Gammon, shake things up and challenge popular marriage misconceptions. We'll unpack the dangers of holding onto the idea of an "ideal soulmate" and how this belief can create unrealistic expectations. We emphasize the importance of appreciating what our spouses do right and learning to control our responses instead of obsessing over their shortcomings. 

As a married couple, we understand first-hand the impact of the parenting styles that shaped us. This episode encourages listeners not to replicate or outright reject their parents' relationship dynamics but to learn and adapt. You'll also discover how small consistent actions can yield significant transformations in a relationship. Plus, we explore the power of validating emotions in a relationship and offer practical advice for handling disagreements in a healthy way. And remember, love isn't about perfection, it's about grace, kindness, and understanding - let's navigate these truths together.

Dr. Zakk and Blaire Gammon, in their recent podcast episode, delved deep into debunking popular myths about marriage, aiming to help couples create a healthier and more realistic view of their relationships. They tackled various misconceptions that often lead to unnecessary pressures and expectations, ultimately damaging the relationship.

The idea of an "ideal soulmate" is a commonly held belief that the Gammons addressed. Many people have a predetermined checklist for their ideal partner, often shaped by societal expectations or media influence. However, the danger lies in these expectations becoming unrealistic, leading to disappointment when our partner doesn't meet this idealized image. The Gammons emphasized the importance of appreciating our spouse for their strengths and contributions, rather than obsessing over their shortcomings.

They also addressed the influence of our parents' relationship dynamics on our marriages. It's common to either replicate or reject these dynamics in our own relationships. However, the Gammons encouraged listeners to instead learn from their parents' relationship experiences, adapting and growing beyond those patterns. It's about taking small, consistent steps to create change, rather than trying to make large, sweeping transformations.

A crucial aspect of a healthy relationship, as discussed in the podcast, is the validation of emotions. A common pitfall in many relationships is the dismissal or invalidation of one partner's feelings. The Gammons stressed the importance of recognizing and respecting our partner's emotions, even when they differ from our own. This acceptance is a vital part of building trust and fostering emotional intimacy in a relationship.

Moreover, they reminded listeners that love isn't about perfection. It's about grace, kindness, and understanding. It's about navigating the highs and lows together, offering patience and forgiveness, and continually choosing each other every day.

In conclusion, this insightful episode of the Love Lessons Podcast challenged many common misconceptions about marriage. By debunking these myths, Zakk and Blaire provided listeners with practical advice and strategies to cultivate healthier, more understanding relationships. Their message serves as a valuable reminder that successful relationships are built on realistic expectations, continuous growth, and mutual respect.

Show Transcript

ZAKK

Host

00:01

Do you ever find yourself waiting for a big change to happen in your marriage before you can finally feel like it's a success? In this episode of the Love Lessons podcast, we are continuing in our series of marriage myths and we are going to uncover this false belief and show you how small, meaningful changes can have a huge impact on your relationship. It's all coming up right now on Love Lessons.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

00:27

Real life, real talk, real relationships, faith-based tips, tricks and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life. It's the Love Lessons podcast, with your hosts, Christian counselors and marriage experts Dr Zakk and Blaire Gammon.

BLAIRE

Host

00:52

Hey guys and welcome to episode six of Love Lessons. We are continuing on in marriage myths so I have a moment to bring with you. So last episode we introduced dirty laundry and I have a little bit of your dirty laundry to air. So you had promised us that these fun facts are fun and in reality, that it's not been that much fun.

ZAKK

Host

01:19

The last two episodes have been kind of dark, haven't they?

BLAIRE

Host

01:22

Yeah, I'm going to need you to work on that.

ZAKK

Host

01:24

Okay, I've got one.

BLAIRE

Host

01:26

Is it going to be our needs here?

ZAKK

Host

01:27

Yes, yes, okay. So apparently we end a marriage ceremony with a kiss, because in ancient Rome a contract was finalized by the party's kissing. Oh, okay.

BLAIRE

Host

01:43

It's kind of like a handshake, like old school handshake.

ZAKK

Host

01:46

Right, so I'm really thankful that that is not part of our culture and tradition today. Could you imagine? Could you imagine like going and buying a car and after you sign the sales contract, you've got to like make out with your sales rep.

BLAIRE

Host

02:02

I don't think it weird.

ZAKK

Host

02:04

Exactly. I'm glad that now we just sign stuff, for, like you know, doc, you sign, or whatever it is that we and shake each other's hand out of respect. Right, yeah, Right. So that's awkward transaction. Could you imagine like going home and be like well, babe, I got a really great deal on that car today. It's because, you know, I, I'm a, I'm a really good kisser, so you know you should go see my car salesman.

BLAIRE

Host

02:29

He'll get you a great deal and he's going to kiss her too.

ZAKK

Host

02:31

He uses a breath mint first.

BLAIRE

Host

02:34

It's very considerate. Okay, you have redeemed yourself with that fun fact.

ZAKK

Host

02:40

That's really weird.

BLAIRE

Host

02:41

Keep that energy going.

ZAKK

Host

02:43

That's. That's where my mind goes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm wondering. But there's your, there's your, your fun, slightly disturbing fact.

BLAIRE

Host

02:52

I think that's interesting.

ZAKK

Host

02:53

Yeah, it is interesting.

BLAIRE

Host

02:56

The ad live that you had on after was a bit disturbing. Now people are gonna be thinking all day long about kissing the car salesman.

ZAKK

Host

03:03

You're welcome. You're welcome. What if you have to like you I mean, that's my job here. You know, this can go outside of car sales as well. Like you can make out with your realtor, right, if you work in an industry where you have to sign an employment contract, you know, like right, like how bad, do you want this? Oh, that's actually sexual harassment. Never mind.

BLAIRE

Host

03:26

Yeah, what about if you become a member in church?

ZAKK

Host

03:31

So I teach our commitment class, our new member class yeah, I'm not kissing the new members, yeah.

BLAIRE

Host

03:40

You're not kissing the new members. That's awkward.

ZAKK

Host

03:45

Could you imagine? Good, well, I went to go join this church today and I had to kiss one of the pastors. I don't know what was.

BLAIRE

Host

03:52

Yeah, yeah, something about Rome, I don't know. So the next myth that we have is that my ideal soulmate is out there hiding behind a cloud of butterflies, rainbows and heart emojis.

04:07

So whether you believe in soulmates or not, that's not really what's up for discussion here. What I really want to point out is that there's an underlying thought process that can set us up for unrealistic expectations. So if we think that our ideal soulmate is out there and we create a checklist of what we want our ideal person to have, we want them to be six, four and washboard abs and earn $500,000 a year and and love their mama and, you know, whatever else.

ZAKK

Host

04:34

Well shoot, I'll take that soulmate. That sounds great.

BLAIRE

Host

04:38

So? But if we do that, that all we're doing is creating an unrealistic checklist and we're setting ourselves up for failure because those needs are likely not going to be met and we're focusing on the things that we want instead of focusing on the things that we can control and the things that we, that we, should be working on. And so maybe that's your checklist when you're single, but that when you're married and you had an idea and a checklist of what your soulmate, your spouse, is supposed to be, and the one that you've got's not living up for that, to that, well then we get into some unrealistic thinking and we start wondering is the grass greener on the other side? They're not meeting my needs. I'm now focused on what they're not doing, then focus on what they are doing well, and we have a really skewed sense of perspective when we do that.

ZAKK

Host

05:28

The only reason the grass is greener on the other side is because there's many who are sitting on it.

BLAIRE

Host

05:34

It's being fertilized.

ZAKK

Host

05:35

Exactly.

BLAIRE

Host

05:35

By someone else.

ZAKK

Host

05:36

Exactly.

BLAIRE

Host

05:37

Your grass can also be green if you would focus on putting the work into it and not work on trying to get out of it. What's not so clearly stated through all of this is that we are trying to find our happiness in another person without being content in who we are.

ZAKK

Host

05:54

In who we are in Christ Exactly, and so, whether or not you believe in this concept of a soulmate, god ordains marriage, right. Marriage is a means of grace that God has given to us, and so this covenant that we have entered into with another person and with God means that once we're in covenant, that is our soulmate, for lack of a better term that we are in this, and this goes back into every myth that we've discussed on this podcast. Right, that love is a feeling that they should meet all of my needs and all. You are in covenant with this person. Therefore, you are commanded per this covenant to grow in grace, to grow together in this relationship, right.

BLAIRE

Host

06:40

Yeah, and just because you're unhappy in your own words, just not making the words go and bringing you somebody else's husband as your soulmate. So now it works. So now it works.

ZAKK

Host

06:48

The Holy Spirit will not guide you to somebody else's husband. So this myth is something that we see a lot in marriage counseling with a lot of couples, no matter where they are on the age spectrum or the experience, life, experience spectrum or whatever. This belief that my marriage will be good if it's either like my parents' marriage or very much unlike my parents' marriage. Right, if we grow up in a household that has a great marriage and mom and dad love each other and they don't fight in front of the kids and they show what healthy conflict resolution looks like and they show love to each other, then we grow up thinking man. We might grow up thinking man. My life really needs to look like this.

07:28

My parents' marriage was so successful and so mine's going to be successful if I do just those things. Right, but those are your parents. Those are two people in that covenant relationship with each other. You and your spouse are two other people and so if you try to base it exactly off of what you see, you're just setting yourself up for failure because you're not gonna be able to be those two people. They certainly have good things they can offer. There are certainly things that you can learn from that marriage to want to use that as a reference. But you can't set yourself up to succeed if you do everything just like they did.

BLAIRE

Host

08:01

Right, and from that relationship your parent's relationship, for example you create belief systems and you carry those on into your relationship. And so while you might think that your parents had a great marriage, and that's how you want your marriage to be, your spouse may feel very differently and they may have a very different belief system. And so if you two have very different belief systems and can't get on the same page, you've had conflict and you've got to figure out how to resolve that and how to compromise, and so this myth can cause you to take on a belief system that can cause conflict in your relationship.

ZAKK

Host

08:39

Exactly exactly. And then we have the other end of the spectrum, right? My parents had a horrendous marriage, or I had an absentee parent, or my parent was married multiple times and I don't want to look like them, and so we try to go the exact opposite, and that's just as detrimental, right? Your parents might have failed quote unquote in a marriage, or they might have had a lot of conflict, but that doesn't mean that you can't garner something from that relationship, right?

BLAIRE

Host

09:05

Yeah, what do they say? A broken clock is still right twice a day.

ZAKK

Host

09:08

Exactly.

BLAIRE

Host

09:09

What we actually end up doing is, the further we try to go away from that behavior, we become rigid and uncompromising and if our spouse is exhibiting any of the characteristics of the people we're trying not to be like, it creates a lot of chaos and instability in our belief system, in our mind oh no, we've got to work towards not being like that. So it creates a lot of conflict there, but actually at the end of the day, the further you try to move away from it, the further you actually move towards it.

ZAKK

Host

09:37

And I see a lot of couples who come in who will have this like Awful self realization that, oh, I'm doing the exact same thing my parents did that was not successful, because we end up just repeating these patterns over and over again. Right, we have to break that cycle, and so if you don't want to have an unsuccessful marriage or you're viewing your poor Relationship that your parents had as as your basis for what you don't want to do, it's also important to recognize what you might be contributing to repeating that cycle. So our final myth here is one that really just kind of sums up and culminates all that we've talked to up until this point. It is that only a large change can transform a marriage. Right, people think I've got to have this big, massive change in my relationship and we're both gonna come to this crazy realization and like clouds are gonna part and the Sun's gonna start shining down. In Reality, what makes a lasting change in a relationship, or small steps that we put together?

BLAIRE

Host

10:35

There could be some larger and big things sprinkled in with that, but the its sustainability the small things that change over time to sustain the big change.

ZAKK

Host

10:45

I think that there's an assumption, especially with people that come to marriage counseling, that they are going to come in and there's gonna be this massive revelation and like they're gonna start sobbing and there's gonna be this huge breakthrough. And there might be, and that's great when it happens. But I really consider successful marriage counseling when a couple comes in and we start putting things together Little by little, week by week or appointment by appointment, and they just start building upon skills. Those are the ones who I see that find these this real long-lasting success because they they learn tools, they put them into place. One small step is how you start a race, right?

BLAIRE

Host

11:20

Yeah, I actually agree with that. I would. I saw that in our own marriage counseling process, like even a few years after we went. I remember talking to you one day. I was like so what do we even learn? I know it helped, I remember it helping, but I don't remember any like massive revelation or things. I just remember there were small things that we worked on and you very much brought this up. Really get all we did this, miss and this and those were small things that Contributed to the overall health and made changes, and so we've really seen that at work in our own relationship too.

ZAKK

Host

11:52

And so you've got to understand that it's gonna take a series of small steps to find this change, because it was a series of Small steps that got you here, right? Yeah, nobody just wakes up one morning and it's like I have a horrendous marriage now. There are bad things that can happen the revelation that your partner had an affair, or the the loss of something big in your Relationship. But even those things had small precursors that led up to it, right?

BLAIRE

Host

12:19

It's kind of like when you're gonna lose weight.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

12:21

Mm-hmm.

BLAIRE

Host

12:22

It took you a while to get to the point where you felt like, okay, I, there's a weight that I need to lose. Took you to a point to get to that weight and so it's not going to magically come off overnight. And it's the same concept when it comes to making changes in the relationship and with marriage counseling. But could you come in and expect in three sessions You're done and I have news for you. That's not how it works.

ZAKK

Host

12:42

Yeah, you're setting yourself up for disappointment, right.

BLAIRE

Host

12:45

I'm committing to this and only this, and it's the same in our relationship. We're saying I need these changes only to happen, and they have to be big changes. Then you're you're creating unrealistic expectations, like one bite at a time, that element, like we've talked about.

ZAKK

Host

12:58

One of the things that I tell couples when they come in is that you know you've been married five or ten, or fifteen, twenty years. Whatever. It took you five, ten, fifteen, twenty years to get to this point, and so I'm gonna take us that long to get out of it. If you put the work in but it you're not gonna go home today with everything Fixed all of a sudden there's a lot to unpack and uncover there.

BLAIRE

Host

13:16

Yeah, we've got to get through. So if you start making those small changes, that's only in you see progress with that. That's also going to encourage you to keep going with other small changes. If you're running a race, I know a lot of times we like to focus on the finish line, but take a step back and take the opportunity to look back and see how far you've come and use that as encouragement To keep going, because what you're doing is creating an atmosphere or you're making small changes, and it's going to be your spouse freedom to make some of the small changes that they need to make too, without you controlling him. Then you're focusing on yourself and making the changes that you need to, and that's a great witness to your spouse.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

13:56

This episode of the Love Lessons podcast is brought to you by Revive Counseling Center. Revive provides faith-based counseling services to help people find spiritual, emotional and physical wellness, with multiple in-person locations as well as convenient online counseling options. Revive Counseling Center has helped countless marriages and individuals find help and healing, allowing people to create fulfilling and thriving relationships, reviving hope and restoring lives. You can learn more at ReviveCounseling.org

BLAIRE

Host

14:28

So I want to talk about this concept of validating and invalidating emotions. We have said that it is important that we validate that someone is having a feeling, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is fact, and so what we need to understand is that there are times and there will be times in every relationship, healthy or otherwise that they will have difference of opinions on if their emotions should have been true or not right, and that's one of the things we've seen. Conflict is they shouldn't have felt that way. Well, they did. How do you move forward? Because that person is going to continue to feel that way and it's going to be different than you, and so I want to tell on you a little bit.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

15:04

Here we go, I'm going to give an example here.

BLAIRE

Host

15:07

So early on in our marriage we had our two girls. Haven was a baby, and this particular evening we were sitting at our house Actually, I was sitting in the living room and it was quiet. The girls were already asleep for the night. Zakk actually had went ahead and laid down for the night and he worked two jobs at the time, and so I was the only one awake and the TV was off and I was reading on the couch and we had a couch in a love seat that kind of like made an L shape, and so I was sitting on the couch and I was reading my book. It was really quiet and I was being really still, except for turning my pages.

15:42

Well, as I was sitting there turning the pages of my book, out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving on the arm of the love seat, and about the time that I looked up to see what it was, I saw a mouse jump from the arm of the love seat onto me sitting on the couch, and I screamed and it got scared and then it jumped off of me and actually left a little bit of like a little scratch on my foot where it jumped and it scurried away and whatnot, and so I just sat there frozen and no one came and checked on me after the screen.

16:20

And so then I yelled, Zakk, and no one came and checked on me after that screen. And so I remember I yelled for you a couple of times and you came out all groggy and you were like what? And so then I proceeded to tell you that a mouse had jumped on me, had been on our furniture and it had jumped on me, and then it had scratched me, and your response was what do you want me to do about it?

ZAKK

Host

16:47

Yeah, and to this day to this day, guys nearly 14 years later, I still want to know what you want me to do about it.

BLAIRE

Host

16:55

To this day, Zakk thinks that I was being dramatic. Now, mind you, if a spider is anywhere in our house, no matter the size of it, it is my responsibility to do it.

ZAKK

Host

17:02

Yes, you have to be the man.

BLAIRE

Host

17:03

So let's talk about how you have your own things that you're fearful and or do not care for. We have our roles, that we play, and I'm not like scared of mice, but I also didn't want one to like jump on me, you know and I didn't want to get like rabies from a mouse scratch.

17:17

I don't think that's how it works, but whatever. But to this day he still thinks that I was being dramatic, over dramatic and that it wasn't a big deal. And so my emotion is it was absolutely a big deal. Why did you not care and or come take care of me? And I'm not sure what your thoughts are.

ZAKK

Host

17:35

I mean, I think that it's now like evolved to this whole thing that it's not even about the mouse at this point. It's that I want you to care. Why didn't you love me enough?

BLAIRE

Host

17:43

Did you care that I almost got eaten by this tiny mouse?

ZAKK

Host

17:46

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

17:47

To the point where even our girls know this story and they give dad a hard time about the fact that he didn't save mom and or care that it was a big deal that she almost died from this mouse.

ZAKK

Host

17:55

You know, what's funny is that it's not that it's not a big deal, like had it happened to me, I totally would have freaked out. It's just that it's become this thing now and so, like I'm just indignant at this point, I don't care.

BLAIRE

Host

18:05

You're indignant that it doesn't matter.

ZAKK

Host

18:06

Right.

BLAIRE

Host

18:07

Thank you, I appreciate it.

ZAKK

Host

18:09

But I will admit here in front of God and everybody on the Love Lessons podcast, it was a big deal. So you're going to have to go back and listen to this over and over again because I will never say it again.

BLAIRE

Host

18:18

I do feel validated, though it does make me feel better.

ZAKK

Host

18:21

You're welcome. Today's Love Note is a simple reminder to offer grace and kindness, especially in those times of hardship and struggle. In Romans, chapter 12, the apostle Paul reminds us of several ways that we are to show grace and kindness to other people and list specific attitudes and behaviors for Christians. And so in Romans, chapter 12, I'm reading from the amplified version. It says Love one another, giving precedence and showing honor to one another. Some other versions say outdo one another in honor, make that your life's mission. How can I outdo my spouse in showing them honor and grace? That's more than a Facebook post. It's more than just bragging on them. What can I do today to let my spouse know they are loved and valued?

BLAIRE

Host

19:12

So, as we close today, this is just a reminder to submit your dirty laundry to us.

ZAKK

Host

19:17

That's right. Send your burning marriage questions to us on Facebook, send us a message at our Love Lessons page or shoot us an email at hello@lovelessonsfm, and starting in episode seven, we'll start talking about those.

BLAIRE

Host

19:31

They'll get a little grip together and see what we can do Good stuff. All right, we will see you next time.

ZAKK

Host

19:35

Take care.

ANNOUNCER

Announcement

19:42

Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Love Lessons Podcast. If you're enjoying the show, please feel free to rate, subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. That helps others find the show and we greatly appreciate it. Once again, thanks for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.