Have you ever paused to consider what truly defines you, beyond your job title or family role? Our latest podcast episode unpacks the concept of identity through the lens of our identity in Christ, and how it weaves into the fabric of our marriage and daily interactions. We share candidly about the laughs and lessons learned from small grievances in relationships that, if not checked, can snowball into marital discord. From quirky anecdotes about Walmart Moomoos to exploring the profound implications of understanding oneself, we promise a journey that is as enlightening as it is entertaining.

Fashion, thrifting, and the dynamics of love and marriage often make for amusing conversations, but when interlaced with self-awareness, they gain new depth. We delve into the humorous habits that shape our partnerships and how an intimate awareness of our divine purpose can transform our responses to everyday challenges. This episode is peppered with laughter, especially when we tackle a #DirtyLaundry question about a spouse's unorthodox running attire, while also embracing the serious task of navigating grief and the resilience of love.

Expect to finish this episode with a mix of humor and thoughtful reflection on the love's enduring journey. Join us for a conversation that promises to tickle your funny bone and, just maybe, touch your soul.

Marriage is a complex tapestry woven from threads of identity, purpose, and shared experiences. In the latest episode of our podcast, we delved deep into the intricate dance of marriage, examining how our spiritual identity, particularly in Christ, informs and shapes our relationships with our spouses.

We often find humor in the most mundane aspects of our relationships, like a spouse's unexpected choice of running attire, yet these seemingly trivial matters can speak volumes about our identities and the dynamics of our partnerships. As one listener humorously shared, her husband's choice to run in jeans—with a belt, no less—sparked a discussion about the implications of such choices and how they reflect on the person and their relationship.

But it's not just about the laughs. We also explored the serious side of marriage—the importance of addressing small grievances, which, if left unchecked, can escalate into larger issues. Many might assume that significant conflicts are the leading causes of divorce, yet it is often the accumulation of minor irritations and misunderstandings that can drive couples apart.

Understanding one's identity in Christ was a recurring theme in our conversation, as we pondered how this awareness could lead to a more profound connection with our spouses and a more harmonious marriage. Recognizing that we are all created in God's image, with inherent value and purpose, allows us to approach our partners with empathy and respect, even amidst conflict.

We also didn't shy away from weightier topics, such as dealing with the loss of a loved one. Our reactions to death and grief can vary greatly based on our relationship with the deceased and our own beliefs about eternity. We discussed how certainty in faith can provide comfort during these trying times and how pastors navigate the delicate task of honoring the deceased while remaining truthful to the tenets of their faith.

The episode rounded out with reflections on the nature of love itself, its resilience, and the boundaries necessary within even the closest relationships. We concluded that while love can endure many trials, it requires clear communication, affection, and reassurance to thrive.

Throughout our discussion, we intertwined our own personal stories and experiences, offering listeners a blend of anecdotal wisdom and scriptural insights. By examining the layers of our identities, from our quirks and habits to our deepest spiritual beliefs, we invited listeners to consider how these elements shape not just our romantic relationships but our very essence.

In essence, our podcast episode was a heartfelt invitation to listeners to explore the patchwork of their own lives, to laugh at the quirks, to reflect on their divine purpose, and to cherish the dance of marriage with all its intricate steps and missteps. Join us as we continue to unravel the mysteries of love, identity, and purpose on this shared journey of life and faith.

Episode Transcript

NOTE: Episode transcripts are automatically generated.

Blaire: 0:01

Can't we all just get along?

Zakk: 0:03

Nope.

Blaire: 0:05

Zakk, keep her professional.

Zakk: 0:08

Fun.

Blaire: 0:09

Today, we're learning to really appreciate the small things about our spouse, especially in the ways that they're different from us. Do you excel in this area or do you need a heart check?

Zakk: 0:21

Absolutely not. I'm perfect in every way. This is Love Lessons.

Announcer: 0:28

Real life, real talk, real relationships, faith-based tips, tricks and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life. It's the Love Lessons podcast, with your hosts, christian counselors and marriage experts Dr Zakk and Blaire Gammon.

Blaire: 0:51

Well, that's fresh revelation here on Love Lessons.

Zakk: 0:55

Somebody around here has got to be perfect. It might as well be me.

Blaire: 0:59

Shall I remind you that no human is perfect, which is why we need the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Zakk: 1:07

Is this Jesus' Juke Lessons or is this Love Lessons?

Blaire: 1:10

Well, somebody's got to keep hearing your place.

Zakk: 1:14

Here's what I know.

Blaire: 1:16

Do you know anything?

Zakk: 1:16

I do. A good woman knows her place.

Blaire: 1:21

People are taking their shoes off and throwing it right now.

Zakk: 1:23

In the kitchen is where women belong.

Blaire: 1:25

Is it?

Zakk: 1:26

Women also belong in the kitchen, because that's where the snacks are.

Blaire: 1:29

Why are women in the kitchen?

Zakk: 1:31

Because that's where the snacks are.

Blaire: 1:33

So we're all there to eat snacks.

Zakk: 1:34

Yes, so why else will we go to the?

Blaire: 1:36

kitchen. Well, what were you implying?

Zakk: 1:38

That. That's where the snacks are, okay. That's where we were going.

Blaire: 1:42

We all belong in the kitchen. It's not where you were going.

Zakk: 1:43

That is where I was going.

Blaire: 1:46

You were going to the kitchen To get a snack, to get a snack.

Zakk: 1:49

I'm so hungry right now. I have some good news. Do you, I do. We are not alone. This is not revelation that aliens have come to a point.

Blaire: 2:02

Where are we going with that? Are we talking about like UFOs? Jesus loves you, you're not alone, okay.

Zakk: 2:07

Well, that's true. Jesus does love you. If you're one of his children, he calls you one of his. You're not alone. No, we are not the only people who are willing to be in an inbred relationship.

Blaire: 2:22

Are you talking about a few episodes back?

Zakk: 2:24

Yes.

Blaire: 2:24

A few episodes.

Zakk: 2:25

So that's it. Whoa, that's weird. If you're tuning in for the first time, please go back two episodes and listen, so you have some context here. A couple episodes ago, which was really kind of just, honestly, a throwaway episode, it was our we're taking a Christmas break it was a Christmas special. It was special, right, it was something, it was an experience. It was our Christmas experience we talked about. It was one of those episodes where it just kind of went off the rails really quick. And so we started talking about a guy, a couple, who discovered they were cousins. They were first cousins after they were married, right. And so we said that if we found out at this point in our relationship that we were first cousins, we would stay married, because you know why wouldn't you? And so when we did that, I really saw it going one of two ways. Everybody was going to be like what is wrong with you people? Or it would go the opposite way and everybody was like, yeah, and that's where everyone is. There was not one single person that commented on either YouTube or Facebook that said absolutely not, I would leave them. If you're already married, you're married.

Blaire: 3:36

Cousin or not?

Zakk: 3:37

Right. So one of our friends, heather, commented and said Heather Edge, she said like I have invested too much into the, like I've been married for, you know, 20 plus years. And she said, like I've invested too much and like I don't blame her, I mean, you want to get your ROI and so yeah, she's like at this point we're just staying together. And everybody else commented and be like what's the, what would be the point?

Blaire: 4:03

So yeah, Well, I'm glad that we're normal in this.

Zakk: 4:07

We're all inbred.

Blaire: 4:08

We're all inbred together.

Zakk: 4:10

No wait wait, wait, that's wrong. Anyway, let's move on.

Blaire: 4:15

Welcome to Love Lessons. Oh goodness, do you have a fun fact for me today? Is it going to be fun? Yes, okay.

Zakk: 4:25

Turns out. A new trend on TikTok tells us that men think about the Roman Empire at least twice a week.

Blaire: 4:35

Like the Roman Empire.

Zakk: 4:37

That's the only one I know of.

Blaire: 4:39

Like history.

Zakk: 4:40

Yeah.

Blaire: 4:41

Is this true? Do you do this? Yeah, you do, you really do this yeah.

Zakk: 4:46

Yeah, I wouldn't say twice a week, but that was on average. Yeah, I would say probably once every couple of weeks. What is it to think about? I don't like sitting and ponder about it, but it just it comes to mind. Yeah, it makes total sense. So now, to be fair, at church we are, we have been preaching through the book of Romans for the last year and a half, almost two years, and so you know, to some degree I think maybe it's that, but yeah, no, it's like. And so now this is a thing on TikTok. And so it's funny, because now people are like what's your Roman Empire, what's the thing that always occupies your mind, and so, but yeah, for a lot of dudes it's. It's. This is not scientific, this is all on TikTok. So you know, keep in mind that that's where we're getting our data from. But at least dudes on TikTok.

Blaire: 5:32

How random I know, and that all men are doing it, or most men are doing it.

Zakk: 5:37

What would you say is the thing that you think about that comes to mind for you, not like if you say, jesus, I'm going to throw something at you, but like what would be the thing for you that comes to mind, most often Like the same topic that you keep going back to.

Blaire: 5:53

I don't have anything I like.

Zakk: 5:54

Is there nothing going on up there?

Blaire: 5:56

No, it's like the things that I need to do and what I'm hoping to accomplish and studies that I'm doing, but like I can't think of anything, what about, like you read these stupid books, that sounds so, that's so dumb to me.

Zakk: 6:12

These fantasy books, Like do you? Do you not ever think about the storylines and stuff in that?

Blaire: 6:19

Yeah, what I'm like reading or thinking about them.

Zakk: 6:23

Yeah, what do you think about it?

Blaire: 6:24

When I'm reading or listening to the podcast about them. Is there anything going on there I'm? That's where I'm struggling with this whole Roman Empire thing is that my brain is like does tasks? It's just like a machine that does some tasks.

Zakk: 6:40

Windows 95. Windows 95 up there.

Blaire: 6:44

Plus add some relationships in there. But I don't have like maybe something, I just haven't thought of it, but I can't think.

Zakk: 6:50

What do you think about when you're falling asleep at night?

Blaire: 6:52

I don't. I go to write to sleep, but I don't have to worry about it. I think I'm going to sleep and I go to sleep. Who are you?

Zakk: 6:59

I know I do you know how long I have to lay there?

Blaire: 7:03

I'm a robot, the inside, I think.

Zakk: 7:05

Do you know how long I have to lay in bed pretending to be asleep for my body to finally fall asleep?

Blaire: 7:10

I think I pretend better than you.

Zakk: 7:12

who's what it is, how long I ever, just to take you to fall asleep.

Blaire: 7:16

Maybe three minutes, maybe Literally, I close my eyes and I don't remember anything else, I just go to sleep. If there are those nights when, if it takes me longer than like six or seven minutes, then I am like oh, I can't go to sleep, I'm frustrated by it.

Zakk: 7:32

What. Yeah, I sleep like a little baby I literally take sleeping medication that knocks me out, and it still takes me most nights at least 25 minutes to fall asleep.

Blaire: 7:48

Even like laying there without your no device eyes closed it takes you 25 minutes to fall asleep, At least yes.

Zakk: 7:55

Now there are exceptions If I take my medication early enough and then I go like do stuff while I'm getting ready for bed and stuff like that, then I can be. I can get to the point where I'm like dog tired, but I have to take the medication, like you know, an hour to an hour and a half before this happens.

Blaire: 8:13

Yeah, I think I'm normal.

Zakk: 8:16

How is it possible that somebody lays down and falls asleep within three minutes?

Blaire: 8:21

I have a lot of peace and joy in my life and I don't have to fight against that. When I'm laying down for this, you're not trying to fix the Roman Empire, nope. Not trying to do that. What would you say? Yours is Okay, you're like okay, obviously it's the Roman Empire, but like what is that thing? That's always kind of like a theme where you think back on.

Zakk: 8:38

Well, it depends. So I think this is where ADHD comes into play, because it depends on whatever I'm hyperfixating on, so it could be something different. Maybe that's the issue is that you don't have ADHD.

Blaire: 8:49

That's it, so what's your?

Zakk: 8:51

conversation Neurodivergent. What did I think about? What did I think about? Last night was one of those nights that I was so tired that I, like I did fall, because I took my medicine early. So I don't know. But here's what I do know, and I have found this is a common thing with people who do have ADHD there's always a soundtrack playing in your head. There's always background music, always, and so I wake up every morning and there's always some random song playing in my head. So this morning it was Chattahoochee by Ale Jackson.

Blaire: 9:26

It was going to be a Chattahoochee kind of thing.

Zakk: 9:29

It's not that I and some people are like, well, that's because you must have been listening. No, no, I mean I'm sure it's been on a Pandora playlist at some point in the last six months, but no, I went through a little Taylor Swift phase, you know, woke up like three days in a row singing a Taylor Swift song. How much better my life would be if I was a man, you know, just so sick of running as fast as I can, and he's about to get there quicker. I can't say any more to the lyrics, so I'm gonna break and copy it right now on Love Lessons.

Blaire: 9:59

Your reign is an interesting place. It's a scary place in there. It's interesting.

Zakk: 10:05

It is a machine that was designed to run Windows 95. That's like trying to run Windows XP.

Blaire: 10:15

Like I don't know what that means. I know that those are like old versions of Windows right Operating system. Don't remember when and how and where, like you're dating yourself.

Zakk: 10:26

Windows. Yes, I'm not a spring chicken. Windows XP was one of the start men. You got really pretty, Remember. It was all boring and gray and then it went to blue and green.

Blaire: 10:36

Yeah, okay.

Zakk: 10:37

Yeah.

Blaire: 10:38

This is probably your Roman Empire.

Zakk: 10:41

That's probably fair Like techie things. Here's what I've learned. I've been accused recently of being a tech snob.

Blaire: 10:48

Oh yeah.

Zakk: 10:49

So our friend Shana. She was running media at church a few weeks ago and she was trying to close out of something and it's a Mac. Most places that do anything creative, they use Macs because they're just more well suited for that. And she couldn't figure out how to close the program because she uses Windows as most people do right in their normal day-to-day jobs. And so I was like, oh, you just go over here and you click on that and you click quit. And she said, yeah, why is it so complicated? And I told her I was like if I had to use a Windows computer right now, I would be like an 85-year-old grandpa trying to figure something out, because I've used a Mac for so long. I had to use it for something for work one time and then it kind of stuck there and I use an iPhone and everything's all connected. And she said so what I'm hearing is that you're a tech snob and you think that you're better than the rest of us. And I was like I mean if the shoe fits. I'm sorry you peasants are stuck on Windows.

Blaire: 11:46

I'm telling you, I've never met a Mac user that wasn't a snob about it. They weren't every single one's like yeah, I use a Mac, every single one.

Zakk: 11:53

Here's what I will say. In my experience, they weren't they won. They run better. They don't. My Windows XP processors still having some trouble here computing they run better.

Blaire: 12:05

If they're so good, then why are you not comparing yourself to a Mac?

Zakk: 12:10

Because you're not going to accept the joke. Clearly, I'm easy. Oh, that's the joke.

Blaire: 12:12

Okay, but we started this episode talking about how you were perfect, so clearly we've we've came a long way since then.

Zakk: 12:23

Windows 95 also was cutting edge when it came out in 1995.

Blaire: 12:27

So you were cutting edge for the top of the show by this boy.

Zakk: 12:30

As things go, I just it just gets a little worse and a little worse. So I did see a meme that said it was somebody snarling and it was like it was said iPhone users, like I can't believe that you use an Android, I feel so sorry for you. And then the Android person said I don't think about you at all.

Blaire: 12:49

Shade, shade was through.

Zakk: 12:53

I guess I'll just keep using superior equipment. Yep.

Blaire: 12:57

Snom. So something that I see is that introverts will marry extroverts and that this will cause conflict related to how they stay home, how they go out, how they function and how they do things.

Zakk: 13:12

And I think that's really unexpected for a lot of people, right, it kind of sneaks up on them. So, you know, you've you've heard opposites attract, right. But there really is some truth to that. And so introverts and extroverts not always because I would say that we're two extroverts, that that came together but a lot of times, more than often than not, extroverts and introverts will be attracted to each other because they see qualities in the other person that they don't possess, right? But I think it's important that we define what an introvert and an extrovert actually is first, because a lot of times we'll say, oh, it's, oh, it's an introvert, and somebody say, well, I'm about, I'm an introverted extrovert, okay, cool, I'm glad for you, congratulations for being unique. But the truth is, is that there, for a lot of people, there are some different traits that from each, from introvert, from being introverted and extroverted that you can share. However, as a general rule, most people are not exactly half and half. They're. They're more introverted than extroverted, right? So an extrovert is simply someone who processes emotions externally. People who tend to process emotions externally enjoy being around other people. Because they enjoy processing those emotions around other people. Sometimes it's just joy, you're happy to be around other people. Introverts process things internally right, and so because of that, they tend to be people who maybe more I don't want to say loners, but they enjoy time to themselves, and so extroverts are recharged by being around people and introverts are recharged by being by themselves, right.

Blaire: 14:42

Or with their small groups and family or what not yet.

Zakk: 14:46

So in understanding those definitions we can quickly see how that can create conflict between people right. If you are somebody who really enjoys going out to eat and you want to do that four nights out of the week and you're married to someone who wants to leave the house once a month, that can cause some challenges, yeah.

Blaire: 15:02

If you want to do it together, certainly Right, right. So you have to figure out how to strike a balance to get everyone's needs met. What can we do to make sure that the extrovert has time away to process with other people and that the introvert has time to spend with their small group or at home, or by themselves, or whatever it is that they need to recharge? How can we strike a balance?

Zakk: 15:23

Yeah, sometimes that striking a balance is just admitting that you don't have to do everything together. Yeah, there are. The problem is is that the extraverts are typically the ones on social media who post like we're having a great time and we love this. And then you think, oh well, that couple does everything together, so we have to do everything together. And that's not necessarily the case. You and I enjoy that because we have many shared interests. We're both pretty extroverted, so we tend to enjoy those same things. But if you are someone who really needs that time alone because it stresses you out to be around that many people, that's okay. Let the other person go out to eat or something. They can go have friends. Yeah, there's no law saying that we have to spend every waking moment together as a married couple, especially if you have different needs and there's no good way of meeting those right.

Blaire: 16:08

Now, on the other side of that, just because you are different does not mean that you should do nothing together, exactly Because then you're not adding to, you're not creating emotional intimacy and spending time together. So, striking a balance of letting that extrovert go out with their friends, letting that introvert stay home, but how are we going to prioritize time together, whether that's at home, on the couch, together, meeting that introverts needs, or out, you know, at a concert or going out to eat? That's meeting that extroverts needs? Where's the balance in all of that?

Zakk: 16:39

So one of the things that I have recommended to couples for years and we did this until we had a baby and we will do it again but prioritizing a weekly date night right. Yes, there are times in life when you can't. We're at a stage right now where a weekly date night is just not feasible to go out and do something, but we still try to get together and hang out and spend time together, as it all acts yeah and we say weekly date night.

Blaire: 17:01

we're talking about leaving the home.

Zakk: 17:03

Yeah.

Blaire: 17:03

But you can still prioritize a date night at your home if you can't leave your home for other circle stances. Yeah.

Zakk: 17:11

There's a pastor here in town who preached on this once about strengthening your marriage, and the line was like I don't care if you go and sit out on the back porch, like with your spouse, after the kids go to bed and you'll drink a Coke or something Like, just spend that time together. Yeah, so that's a different subject for a different time. And my point is is that prioritizing a weekly date night and each of you take turns in doing what it is that you enjoy doing? So, for example, if you're the extrovert who enjoys going out, like you all go out to eat and let's say, tuesday nights or date night, and on Tuesdays you go out to eat, tuesday night you should be listening to love lessons together, but any other night go out to eat, and you do that one week, and the next week you stay home and watch a movie together, right? So that way both of you are compromising, like we've talked about recently in episodes, and then also you're both working on getting your needs met and you're serving the other person, right, and so it's just this, it's a really. It works really well when both spouses are committed to that.

Blaire: 18:14

Now let's talk about if someone looks one way in public and looks different at home.

Zakk: 18:21

We see this or I see this a lot, yeah, and this is actually something that you and I went through until we really truly learned and understood each other before we went through, or we learned it when we went through marriage counseling. So people, people are different and so they're. You might see people, you might see someone who is very extroverted and they're very jolly to be around in public, and then they get home and suddenly they're and that's very much you right, it's just me. So when we look at it's not a bad thing, when we look at how people are made, some people in their outer area if you've ever heard temperament, you've ever been at revived counseling center, you've heard us talk about temperament, you know what we're talking about but people in their area of what's called inclusion, their outer bubble, their people that they want, that they have to interact with outside the home, surface level relationships, you may be very extroverted, but then at home, in those deep personal relationships, you might be very introverted and that can be really shocking for somebody who doesn't understand that dynamic. So when we first got married, I am the same way at home that I am out in public, not to say that you're fake, but just the way you approach relationships are different. Yes, so I am this intense all the time, in public and at home, and it's exhausting for people everywhere. You tend to be very like woo fine friends when you're out in public and then when we come home, you're like I really need to decompress, I need some time to myself, and I never understood that until, like, we learned to really appreciate each other's differences. And so many times the point, the very long point that I'm trying to make here, is that so many times, when someone is married to someone like this, they say, okay, you're this way here, and then we get home and you don't want to talk to me, and so what that tells me is that you don't like me. It's a me issue. Yes, so, number one, stop being so selfish, because it's not about you. But number two, that was a joke. Number two is that it's important to recognize maybe that's how God made them you might be married to someone who is like large and in charge out in public, and then at home they tend to be more meek and more reserved. That's okay. That was actually yes, so you thought that I didn't like you, yeah, because I was convinced that you were faking it when we were in public and that we would get home and you just couldn't stand me. And then, in my own codependency and need to be needed and loved, I would just like suffocate you with affection because I'm like maybe if I just love her harder, she'll love me more.

Blaire: 20:44

And that just pushed me the other way, because I just needed time alone.

Zakk: 20:46

Right. And then when we learned that there are times now that you will come home and you're like, okay, I just like, can I go in here for a while? Can I like watch something on Netflix or scroll through my phone, and I have to think and I'm like, yeah, come back when you're ready to talk.

Blaire: 21:01

Yes, there's a lot of freedom in that. So, understanding that your spouse may look one way and actually be with you differently, that does not mean that they're fake. It's actually part of how God made them or could be part of how God made them, at least, depending on some other factors and so giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to dig in those areas where they connect with you.

Zakk: 21:23

Yeah, Now if you're in a situation where the other person really is fake and like y'all are fighting and you're mad at each other and you go out public and pretend like everything's fine and then you get home and y'all speak to each other, call Revive Counseling Center.

Blaire: 21:36

It's like that when you're trying to get the kids out the door to go to church and everybody's hollering and screaming and the dogs barking and it's like we're going to have a great time worshiping Jesus to take Exactly. And then you get in and it was like how are you all over one, Just happy and blessed. Yeah.

Zakk: 21:51

I love this time of year on Facebook when people will share. It's like a picture of mom and dad in the front seat and they're furious and they're not speaking to each other and it's like we just argued for 20 minutes, getting out the door to go make fun holiday and run.

Blaire: 22:06

Yeah, exactly yeah.

Zakk: 22:11

So it's not all about you.

Blaire: 22:14

You know another one.

Zakk: 22:15

What's that?

Blaire: 22:16

It is opinions.

Zakk: 22:18

Yes.

Blaire: 22:19

If you are married to someone who does not have a lot of opinions, that does not mean that they don't care.

Zakk: 22:26

Yes, yes.

Blaire: 22:28

Going back to how God made us introverted versus extroverted, for example, I am a person with many, many opinions. There's not much. You could ask me my opinion on that. I couldn't draw one at some point? Sure, pretty quickly. You, on the other hand, don't care about a certain amount of things, and so you won't draw an opinion because it's too much energy to do, to put your brain into working on those things. You're doing other things, the things that don't matter, right, the things that really they don't have any impact on us. And so for the longest time, I thought you just didn't care, you were apathetic. And after learning each other and realizing, oh, it's not that you are not engaged, it's not that you don't care, it's not that you're apathetic, it's that these particular things don't have an impact on your daily life. Therefore, you're not going to let them drain your energy supply. Yeah. Whereas I have endless energy when it comes to opinions, and so that didn't compute with me. So if you're like honey, what do you want for dinner tonight? I don't know, does that mean that that person doesn't want to put the energy into it, or does it mean they really don't care? Like, don't draw conclusions just based on your opinion of that person's response related to do they really not care or not?

Zakk: 23:44

And that you know people love to joke about that, like let's argue about where we're going to eat, but that is something now. We do argue about this a lot.

Blaire: 23:51

Argue is a strong word.

Zakk: 23:52

Okay, that's true, we will get a little silly over it. Sometimes, though, when we're like what do you want to go eat? And you're like I don't know, and then nothing sounds good. That is a different situation, but there are times that I have heard couples that will get into these disagreements and she'll say what do you want to go eat? And it will be like I really don't care. And she's like well, I need you to pick something. And he's like you pick something, I'll go wherever, like Mexican, chinese, italian McDonald's, you pick it, I'm going to eat it, I'll be happy with that. And that doesn't mean that they're an uncaring person. It's just that they are. They're not invested in that opinion, and I see it a lot with men and women. Men tend to again, it's not a blanket statement, but in general terms, I think it's fair to say a lot of times women tend to care more about details, where men tend to care more about big picture, and that's not a bad thing, it's just how we were created to be, and so and it's very much that way, even when we're having conversations about stuff, a lot of times I don't care about the details Like tell me what I need to do? Tell me, let me know the bottom line.

Blaire: 24:55

And I want to take the scenic route.

Zakk: 24:56

Yeah, and that's great, and so, and there are times that I'm like sure, tell me the scenic route or there's a reason I need to know these details, but generally like I don't care. So.

Blaire: 25:06

Yeah, and that does not mean that you don't care about me, right, or the situation. It's just that you're not spending, expending the energy to draw an opinion on something that doesn't matter in the whole realm of eternity right, right, whereas I, like again, I have endless energy in those areas.

Zakk: 25:22

So Well, and also think about it like this too, Because this is on the flip side of that. I'll hear husbands who'll say there are things that I care about, and then when I come home and I try to tell you about work, you don't want to hear anything about it. You don't care about what he does for a living. You might Again, that's a general term but, like you, don't care about every detail of his day, right, but that's where his mind is going, and so there are things that you also don't necessarily have an opinion on, right, and that's okay, right?

Blaire: 25:51

It's okay. What you have to be mindful of is that you have to make sure that you're not invalidating your spouse. Yes, you have to make sure that you have a lack of opinion or your lack of care of a situation by not contributing to them and their need and to the overall. If there's a task that needs to be done, if you are apathetic to what you have for dinner and the emotional load or the physical the responsibility is on your spouse to always figure that out and your spouse is feeling some type of way about that, then you need to talk about it. Yes, then it becomes an issue, right? But if it's truly you know, something that is minor, that is not contributing to dysfunction and or hurt feelings in the relationship, that you really don't care about, then those things we can let those go. Right. They don't have to be major things. Yeah, what we're not saying here is that it's okay for your spouse to not have a pulse and to not contribute to the household, whether that be emotionally, financially, parentally, etc.

Zakk: 26:53

Mm-hmm. And so if you are in a situation where your spouse they do need you to pick up the mental load like I do not have the capacity to figure out dinner, can you please help? And you're someone who doesn't care, typically, what you eat, that's fine, but you can still pick up the responsibility of deciding what's for dinner.

Blaire: 27:13

Just because you don't care does not negate your responsibility to the matter.

Zakk: 27:16

Yes, yes, but I think that there's value in learning to express the difference and I don't have an opinion in this versus I don't care about your feelings about the matter.

Blaire: 27:27

We've actually stopped saying I don't care. In our home I don't know if you've realized that or not we more say I don't have an opinion on that, or it doesn't matter to me one way or another, or we've used different words to get in the way. Because I don't care sounds like really and truly. Yeah.

Zakk: 27:42

I don't care about you. I don't care about you, yes.

Blaire: 27:45

So that's helped with understanding that I don't have an opinion, but a welcome to dive in with you if needed Well and it you know it's.

Zakk: 27:55

There's value in saying I don't have an opinion, but I support whatever opinion you do have, absolutely Like. I don't feel strongly about this, and so if you feel strongly about it, then I'm good to go with whatever like. Like. I trust your ability to make a decision in the matter and I trust that you have a reason that you care the way that you do and feel about it the way you do. So by all means, let's roll.

Blaire: 28:14

I feel strongly about what type of toilet paper we have at our home. Yeah. I don't think that it bothers you when we're the others, unless we have it.

Zakk: 28:21

I would use a cinder block if I had to. Oh, that's bad, that's maybe an exaggeration, but seriously, something like that Same paper samples are added to your money, but that's a great example Like that just does not. There are certain things that don't faze me, and if you feel strongly about it, let's go, I'm great, and I will take on that opinion with you. You will co-sign that opinion. Exactly that's support right there. That's supporting your spouse.

Blaire: 28:53

Next level.

Zakk: 28:54

Yeah, so there's a quote that I found online. I've used it before in different contexts, but I think it's worth saying here. So we live in a world that's ran by extroverts Okay, mainly because they're the ones that got up and ran their mouth. The introverts were like fine, do whatever you want to. Now, the problem is that the extroverts were in the world, and so we often forget that extrovert and introvert is not right versus wrong. Correct. People are created differently. Some people. People are taught, especially in America, that we have to like, believe and achieve and succeed, and if you're not running a company by the time you're 35, then you haven't succeeded in life. There are some people who want to live a very quiet life, who are comfortable staying in the same job they've been in for years. There are guys who have worked in a factory for 30 years and they work on the assembly line and they love it because they know the job, they know the expectation, they don't have to interact with anybody, they don't have to make any decisions, and that's great. It's consistent and stable. Yes, there is nothing wrong with that, and so it's important not to compare yourself, but it's also important for extroverts to recognize that there's not something wrong with that person because they're not running their mouth like you. So, anyway, I said all that to say. There's this quote that I love. It says instead of telling introverts to step out of their comfort zone, maybe extroverts should work on making the zone more comfortable.

Blaire: 30:20

I'm a little scared to ask, but I am, it's fair. What is your favorite part about being married?

Zakk: 30:30

Teaching a savage like you how to be civilized in culture.

Blaire: 30:36

You enjoy that.

Zakk: 30:39

It's been nice, the training over the last few years, to see the fruits of my labor. Yeah, no, no that you are my best friend.

Blaire: 30:49

Yeah.

Zakk: 30:50

You're my person and that I especially love the fact that I know that you're always in my corner when I'm wrong. And what are you laughing at?

Blaire: 31:00

I just realized what my answer is.

Zakk: 31:02

Oh, okay, gosh, I'm scared too, and so I love that you're in my corner, even when I'm wrong. And there will be times where I'm like I know that I'm in the wrong here, but I just need to complain and I need you to co-sign, and you're like go off King.

Blaire: 31:16

Yeah, that's it. I don't think I've ever said those words to you, but you could. If that's what you've gotten from that, if that's what I've conveyed to you, then I've done a good job.

Zakk: 31:25

If you wanted to say that, that'd be okay.

Blaire: 31:26

Go off, King.

Zakk: 31:27

Yeah, okay.

Blaire: 31:28

Yeah, would that imply you're the King? Is that what that means?

Zakk: 31:32

Yeah, I mean like all the girls get cold queen, why can't the men be cold King?

Blaire: 31:36

Okay, sure, okay.

Zakk: 31:39

Here's a little encouragement for you ladies who listen. Pay your husband a random compliment and tell him how amazing he is, especially if he doesn't get those very often. Watch him turn into a little girl. He might not call big and tough at first, but he'll turn into a little girl.

Blaire: 31:52

Or ignore it. But inside it's making an impact.

Zakk: 31:55

Yeah, yeah. What's your favorite thing about being?

Blaire: 31:58

married. So I would agree with you. It's that you're my person, it's that you're always there. You're actually a very helpful person to have. So it was just reminding me. When I was a kid I would talk to doors. They'll go with me here. Automatic doors, right, though they're very normal today when you're going into businesses, but back in the 90s they had them, but it wasn't that they were everywhere. And in my little brain there was like not a person in these automatic doors doing it, but like a person maybe watching a camera that was opening and closing it, or like the doors were sentient a little bit, maybe, like I just imagine that these, like when a door would open for me, I would thank the door, I would say thank you, thank you. Every time I had great manners as a child and that carried over to things To inanimate objects To inanimate objects, and so you are like those doors You're always helpful, you're always there for me Half of the left-hand side audience has left the room.

Zakk: 33:05

They have walked out the door.

Blaire: 33:07

I was a young little child. Okay, I don't think doors now.

Zakk: 33:12

She did it when she was 27.

Blaire: 33:14

I said thank you, thank you. You just remind me of those doors. You're always helpful, you're always there for me.

Zakk: 33:19

It's very kind. That was a very weird way to get there Coming in clutch, that was my brain. I'm sorry, king is coming in clutch. Oh Lord, here we go. So why is it that you made fun of me for talking about angry beavers the other day, but you talked to doors?

Blaire: 33:32

Talked Past tense. As a child my brain wasn't fully developed. The bigger thing came from a fully developed brain. Me talking to doors didn't.

Zakk: 33:42

I'm a pastor. I've got to make analogies somehow.

Blaire: 33:45

Go off, King.

Zakk: 33:48

We're going to change the name of this podcast Go off King King's Lessons. Oh man, that's a good episode title. So we asked this to some of our love lessons folks on Facebook. We asked some people what is your favorite thing about me? We got some responses.

Blaire: 34:04

So Scott said companionship, which he's right Go off King there. Yeah, Evan said all is the right answer.

Zakk: 34:12

Yes.

Blaire: 34:13

All things are my favorite about being married.

Zakk: 34:15

Go off, King.

Blaire: 34:15

Yeah, he's a smart man. He's been doing this for a minute.

Zakk: 34:19

He and Chelsea have been married for at least 10 years. Yeah, we've been not 10 years. No, I think it's been 10 years. What year is this? Yeah, if not what's the?

Blaire: 34:28

You can't do math, so we might as well stop for a minute, sorry, go ahead. Britney said loving one another even on the days that are hard. Yeah, I got my back and I've got his, and that we're a team.

Zakk: 34:37

Yeah.

Blaire: 34:38

She also added a second one.

Zakk: 34:40

Okay.

Blaire: 34:41

Having somebody to help me make the bed. Those four corners are rough when you're doing it alone.

Zakk: 34:45

Amen sister. Yeah that's true. Go off, Queen.

Blaire: 34:48

That's a good one. And then baby said the support that he gives me, no matter what I'm going through or the busy life that we have, he is always there supporting me as I am with him.

Zakk: 34:58

That's good.

Blaire: 34:59

That's good stuff.

Zakk: 35:00

There are a few others, too that I think are really good. So a lot of people have said Kara said he's my best friend. My BFF, danny said she's my best friend. Those are really good. I really like what Karen said. She said having a partner for 30 years who has shared all of my most significant experiences is such an amazing gift. Isn't that cool yeah. No one else would get all of our jokes and references so we got to stick together forever until the good Lord calls us home. That is so cool to have that person who's seen you in all those stages of life. And then I really love what our friend Brandy said about her husband, charlie. She said marriage has helped shape me into being more like Christ than anything else in my life. My husband has loved me like Jesus when I didn't deserve his love. He challenges me to be better, encourages me to give my all in anything that I do, causes me to love harder, laugh longer and forgive quicker. I learned because he leads by example and I think the Lord daily for this man.

Blaire: 36:02

It's profound.

Zakk: 36:03

So, brandy, if you're looking for a new career choice, riding Valentine's Day cards would be….

Blaire: 36:08

Hallmark's gonna call you girlfriend. Yeah.

Zakk: 36:10

But I mean, that is she summed up perfectly, I think, what a marriage is supposed to be like. Right, yeah, great Right, like pointing your spouse back to Christ is and that's something that I fall short of regularly, you know. I think it's a good question for all of us how am I representing Christ in my marriage and how can I point my spouse back to Christ? So it's good stuff.

Blaire: 36:39

And if you are listening and you're hearing all of these positive things and you are struggling to come up with your favorite thing about being married, dig into that. If you can't come up with a good answer or some of these things that you're hearing or are not striking with you or you're going, yeah, I don't get that, then I would say do some reflection on your relationship and is it where you want it to be? What areas do you want it to grow? What goals can you create for your relationship? Yeah, and how can you talk to your spouse about?

Zakk: 37:09

those, yeah. So the point of all of this is really to encourage us to enjoy the simple things in marriage. So the theme that we've kind of been following in these last few episodes of Love Lessons is a conflict in marriage and conflict resolution and how conflict plays such a role in our everyday life, and so so many times, this is a great example of how we can work on something on our marriage. That is not necessarily we're trying to fix something that's broken, it's just improving our relationship. Right, how do I learn to enjoy the simple things? What can I do to really appreciate my spouse? How can I show them that love and appreciation and whatnot? And we so often think many people have this mindset of when I get to this next stage, when I get here or whatnot, then life's going to look perfect. But what can you appreciate about the right now, specifically about your spouse? So thank you, guys, for those of you who continue sharing, because we love seeing stuff like that and it's easy to talk about the bad, but that's some of the good right.

Blaire: 38:09

Yeah, you need to focus on that too.

Zakk: 38:13

We introduced something a couple of weeks ago that I didn't know was going to take off like it did, but people love it, and so, by popular demand, it's making a second appearance here in this episode. I've even given the segment a title Toxic traits.

Blaire: 38:29

Oh no.

Zakk: 38:31

We aired some of each other's dirty laundry. Yeah. A couple of weeks ago. Some of our complaints these were things that don't matter, but we got a big laugh out of them and the people watching and listening got an even bigger laugh.

Blaire: 38:44

Well, I think it's because it's relatable.

Zakk: 38:46

Yes, and we're dramatic.

Blaire: 38:49

One of us is the other's even headed, normal, reasonable, at all times.

Zakk: 38:58

And this is not lie lessons. So we're here to tell you Go off, king, thank you. We're here to tell you all of the bad things that are better. Half does.

Blaire: 39:11

These are minor things, right? These are funny things.

Zakk: 39:13

Fresh from the complaint department Fresh from.

Blaire: 39:17

This is true, but we do this in good faith, and it is just we're not picking on things that are source subjects in our relationship.

Zakk: 39:25

These are things that we laugh about because they're ridiculous.

Blaire: 39:27

Yes, so it does not mean that I don't feel rage, but that's a normal emotion for me.

Zakk: 39:31

That is your baseline.

Blaire: 39:33

I thought it was angry.

Zakk: 39:36

What do you think rage means?

Blaire: 39:37

Rage is elevated anger.

Zakk: 39:38

Okay, so anger is your baseline.

Blaire: 39:40

Okay.

Zakk: 39:41

Rage is one more. I don't think anger is my baseline.

Blaire: 39:44

Don't make me clack on a keyboard.

Zakk: 39:48

That one is something that you can tell Blair's level of irritation by how loudly she's typing.

Blaire: 39:53

I'm a clacker.

Zakk: 39:54

You're a clacker.

Blaire: 39:55

Ask people who've worked with me.

Zakk: 39:58

I walked into the revive office one day. I was. So. Our office is inside a building, an office complex. We have a suite in the building and I was coming up to the front door of the suite and I was in the building. I was coming to the front door of the suite and I step inside of that and then there's another door between the waiting room and all of the counseling offices. There's music playing in the waiting room and over that I could hear you clacking down the hallway. You were so intensely I was clacking. This was not even one of the toxic traits I was going to talk about, but it is something it's.

Blaire: 40:29

You think it's a toxic trait.

Zakk: 40:31

No, You're not very hard to read. Now your resting face can be if somebody doesn't know. But if you're feeling an emotion, it's typically known. I'm the same way. It's not hard to figure out what I'm thinking. It's an extrovert thing, I know. Okay, do you want to hear a complaint?

Blaire: 40:51

From the complaints department.

Zakk: 40:52

From the complaints department.

Blaire: 40:53

How about it Go off?

Zakk: 40:55

King, why is it when we go somewhere and I GPS what you complain about, that I don't do, but then when I do put something in the GPS, you seem to think that you know better than Siri? What wisdom has been imputed to you that, when Apple Maps or Google Maps or Waze or any of those things, when it knows the best way to get there in the quickest amount of time, based on traffic, how is it that you seem to think you know better, especially when it's a place that you've never been to, where you have no experience in?

Blaire: 41:36

See.

Zakk: 41:37

Let me, before you even finish, let me give some examples. A few weeks ago, we went to Indianapolis, indiana, for the weekend. Okay, correct, that's right. I was there we live three to three and a half hours away. There are about four ways that you can get there from where we live, and so I punched it into the jeep. What am I? 85 years old. I typed it and punched it down. I input the address of our hotel and it gave me the direction to go and you were like no, we don't need to go that way. And you've been to Indianapolis once in your life, Twice. Once in the last time you were there, we were there together, and that has been almost 15 years ago. So tell me how it is that all of these satellites it is called a global positioning system, after all all of these satellites know where we are. Apple knows all the traffic data because it can read our location. It knows the roads that are closed and what's not working. How is it that Blair knows the direction that we need to go when she knows that it's wrong if you don't even know how to get there because we have to use the GPS in the first place? Please enlighten us. Go off, Queen.

Blaire: 43:08

Okay, so in that particular example I have been it's piss poor justification all over. I've been up in that area and I know the way up there.

Zakk: 43:20

Okay.

Blaire: 43:21

I've driven it and so the way that it was trying to take us did not feel like the way that I have been it's number one but two. I do that because you, my dear, my sweet, sweet summer child, have this habit of punching it in the GPS, feeling like you know which way you want to take, but then not paying attention to where the GPS is taking us, and then getting frustrated when it's taking us a different route than what you thought because you're not paying any attention.

Zakk: 43:51

Okay, it's not that I'm paying and not paying attention.

Blaire: 43:54

It's that you trust. You have full blind trust. Gps have led people into oceans before.

Zakk: 44:00

Once. Okay, one time I've already taken out the trash one time. No, it's because the GPS will be like turn on to this road, and I'm like okay, but I don't know what direction you want me to turn on this road, because the way that you think that I'm pointing is not necessarily the way that I'm going. Or it uses these obnoxious words like go north and I'm like West. If I knew what North meant, I wouldn't need the GPS. Right, I am so thankful that I grew up in a generation that has GPS is because if somebody handed me an Atlas and said, get here or you die, you better start playing in my funeral.

Blaire: 44:33

It's hard digging that grave.

Zakk: 44:35

I wouldn't know where to go to dig it. I don't have a GPS to get there. No, no, it is. So what I'm hearing you say is that, before we even pull out of the parking lot and you're arguing with the the direction the GPS is going, you're doing it in anticipation of me screwing something up. Is that what I'm hearing? Absolutely, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Blaire: 44:54

If I go on trips with friends and they put it in. I have full faith that we're going to get there. I just know that we'll put it in the GPS and you're like where's the takeness? Oh, I didn't want to go this way, and so I am preempting all of that by trying to determine what the best way is to go.

Zakk: 45:09

So what you're saying is it's easier to be kinder to your friends than it is your spouse. This is a whole other love lesson that we could talk about.

Blaire: 45:15

I feel like I'm kind to you why?

Zakk: 45:16

do you treat other people better than me?

Blaire: 45:18

I want to know why you won't. Let me be helpful.

Zakk: 45:21

Because you I can. 90% of the time when you have argued with the GPS, you have in fact been wrong.

Blaire: 45:31

No, I don't think the situation is quite the way you think.

Zakk: 45:36

I'm not feeling the sensitive, the feelings are not facts Correct. Okay, all right, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're still here. You have to admit defeat.

Blaire: 45:48

Well then, we're gonna be here while.

Zakk: 45:49

Why? Why is it that you have to correct? Why is it?

Blaire: 45:55

It's because I have control problems, zach, is that what you wanted to hear?

Zakk: 45:58

Yes, but why is it that you don't have control? Problems when other people are doing it, it's because you have grace for them if they screw it up, but you don't have grace for me.

Blaire: 46:03

No, it's because I already know you so well to know that you aren't going to be sure how, which way you wanted to take. If there's one way only to get there, then we're good. There's multiple ways.

Zakk: 46:15

Yeah, but at some point like five minutes in, I'm like I guess this is the way we're going, like it just is what it is at that point.

Blaire: 46:20

There have been times that we have literally turned around with a different route that you wanted to go and have lost time on it.

Zakk: 46:25

That's fair.

Blaire: 46:26

Yeah.

Zakk: 46:26

But that doesn't mean that you automatically have to assume I'm gonna screw it up. Give me the time to screw it up before you get mad.

Blaire: 46:31

I'm not automatically assuming. I'm saying let's look at the route and go. That's how I'm wanting to do it. That's why it's like hey, I think this route's the best route. This is a year problem, it's not a mean problem.

Zakk: 46:41

But every time, 90% of the times that you have argued with me, you have been wrong and you have gotten us so discombobulated we have gotten. We have planned on taking trips like weekend trips where it's just the two of us to have a great time, and we have gotten into a fight before we even leave town because we argue about the GPS.

Blaire: 47:01

I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need you to point that out to me later, specifically because I'm not recalling that.

Zakk: 47:05

Nashville, Indiana we go to Indiana a lot more than I realized, I guess. Nashville, Indiana we went for a weekend trip. I said it Six months ago.

Blaire: 47:12

Yeah.

Zakk: 47:15

And we got into a fight because you wanted to go one way and the GPS was saying based on traffic, we go another way. And finally, if you recall, I said five layer, we'll just do whatever you want, let's just go this way. Is that gonna make you happy? And then you were like why are you mad at me? And I'm like because you're being a psychopath about the GPS.

Blaire: 47:34

But will you recall that it took us home, the way that it was trying to take us there, and you hated it and you're like go, this is what we should have. Went the other way.

Zakk: 47:42

No, that's not true.

Blaire: 47:42

That's not how it went. Okay, we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this. I think this is a shared issue and you're thinking this is a Blair Toxic trait. You're not looking at how you're adding to the toxicity of the situation.

Zakk: 47:56

All of these things are shared. Yes, true, all of these problems are our own.

Blaire: 48:01

Well, I don't know this next year Well well well, well, well, it's a deep subject, so Zach. So Blair tell me why you will buy things and with the intention of knowing that you might need to return it because it's not what you want, or you're getting multiples to try to figure out which one you like better, or whatever it is clothing specifically.

Zakk: 48:27

The worst.

Blaire: 48:29

And then you will not return it. You are the world's worst about buying something and say I'll just return it if I don't like it, or with the intention of returning some, and then not doing it. Now let me say before you say this yes, Blair has done this before, but it is not my normal. But only like twice in the relationship, it is not my normal.

Zakk: 48:49

I've done it four times this week.

Blaire: 48:50

This is. You literally got three red sweaters last night. He's wearing one of them today, by the way. He liked it so much he decided to keep it. You got three red sweaters in the mail last night and you sheepishly looked at me and said I'm going to return them if I don't like them. And they made their way to our bedroom and I was like don't take them back there, although now we'll see the light of day again. You're like no, I'm just trying to declutter them, so they're not in the house, which I'm thinking about actually getting the other one to. I'm going to buy all of them and I'm going to return them, and then I'm never going to return them, and so then I'm going to have to either have all these clothes that I really didn't need, or I'm going to have these clothes that don't fit me that I'm going to have to give away or sell to Plato's closet because I didn't actually, and I'm never going to go through that effort if I'm not going to return something and then Blair has to get rid of it Okay, so here's what Blair has to take it to the little dropy drop, because I don't take it to the dropy drop. Speak for yourself, sir.

Zakk: 49:47

Haven are almost 13 year old, has a note in her phone. The drop all of the locations of like the clothes to close donation drop offs. Because we are so bad at this, I am the leader. Yeah. Yeah, I make up. I admit I make up 85% of the we also, though I would also like to point out that I know I'm not just buying anything here. I'm still at the stage of my life where I am optimistic that I'll be able to fit in some of my skinny clothes, and so what the problem is is that I've gone three sizes up and I still have some of those skinny clothes up in the attic that are probably going to be donated. I just don't want to admit it yet. So that's another conversation for another time. That's depressing anyway.

Blaire: 50:34

If Amazon shows up, I know 50% of it's going to need to go back and 20% of it might, and usually with Blair at the last minute going take it back. The ice maker is that common of those nugget ice makers. We decided to return it. I decided I wanted him to return it and he kept saying I'm going to, I'm going to at 30 days I'm going to, and it was finally kept reminding him last day. He thought he had a couple more days but when he looked at it it was literally okay, you could do it today or you can't return it. And it was like 30 minutes before it closed. He had a bunch of things on this to do list. He had to drop it so he could take it back. You were so frustrated by this situation of your own creation. This is all true, this is all true and somehow you're upset with me.

Zakk: 51:16

Here's what I have learned, okay. Enlighten us, Dr Zach please, it's not because I'm smart, it's actually I learned it from another mental health provider. When you have ADHD, Likely excuse I knew you were going to say that. It's true. There is all kinds of dopamine and buying something and there is absolutely zero dopamine in returning it.

Blaire: 51:45

And you see how this is a problem right.

Zakk: 51:47

Oh yes, but I can't stop.

Blaire: 51:50

We're not going to use our mental issues as an excuse for a bad behavior. We're going to do something about it, you know.

Zakk: 51:55

I was listening to something the other day and somebody was like it's so frustrating to me, because somebody was like why can't you just do it? And I have ADHD and I physically can't, I just can't. Okay, I just can't, I can't do it.

Blaire: 52:08

If I knew that we were going to be blaming things on medical conditions, then I was going to have some sort of neurological condition that caused me to argue with GPS's. If I knew that's where we were going with our toxic traits today.

Zakk: 52:21

What I have learned is that DoorDash will actually pick up packages for you and take them like Amazon returned, and so it might be worth the two dollars to spend on DoorDash to get them to come pick it up for me. I feel like I could get it to the front step. That's something I could probably do.

Blaire: 52:41

Two dollars versus losing how much ever? Because you don't return it.

Zakk: 52:46

Yeah, that feels like a win for me.

Blaire: 52:48

It's better than it was, but it's not the most ideal. I'll keep you that.

Zakk: 52:53

That's fair. Here's what I do know. If I do take anything back and return it, I have to take it in my own vehicle, because it'll never make it in yours.

Blaire: 53:06

What are you talking about?

Zakk: 53:08

Why is it that somebody who can keep such an immaculately clean house has a car that is a mess? Don't try to justify it, no.

Blaire: 53:20

I don't think that you know what mess looks like. I don't listen. When I was growing up, See here we go.

Zakk: 53:29

I know that you're full of crap because you're stomping your sentence, because you realized it wasn't going to work so you had to start over.

Blaire: 53:34

No, I'm giving you an explanation, I'm giving you an example.

Zakk: 53:37

An explanation of why you're so much. I'm giving you, but.

Blaire: 53:40

I was growing up, we had a neighbor and her name was Ms Pat.

Zakk: 53:43

I'm glad I got that.

Blaire: 53:44

And Ms Pat was very, very messy lady in her house and in her car and she had the kind of car that you opened the door and stuff fell out.

Zakk: 53:53

Yeah, so do you no. I do not yes you do, absolutely you do.

Blaire: 53:58

I don't think that you open my car doors enough if that. If you think that that's true, ms Pat, you couldn't even sit in her front seat because there was so much trash in the seat but on the floor that you couldn't even get into the car. That is not my car.

Zakk: 54:12

I have a trash, can that?

Blaire: 54:13

might be a little overflowing.

Zakk: 54:15

Oh, a little, but it's fairly clean. I almost said BS out loud.

Blaire: 54:21

That is your own issue.

Zakk: 54:23

That is your issue.

Blaire: 54:24

No, I'm not making you do anything. You are responsible for your own actions and your own emotions.

Zakk: 54:29

You're responsible for keeping your vehicle clean, and I feel like it's adequate, it's not adequate.

Blaire: 54:34

I don't think it's great, but it's adequate.

Zakk: 54:35

If you were getting a grade, it would be an F.

Blaire: 54:37

It would be like a C okay. Okay, it's not great, but it's not the worst, a D plus at best. I think that you need to take pictures of my car and we need to have people vote on this. Listen, I think you're biased.

Zakk: 54:50

Okay, let me ask you something.

Blaire: 54:53

I strongly disagree with you.

Zakk: 54:58

When you get ready to go somewhere on a trip and somebody's going to be riding in your car, why is it so important that your car gets cleaned out then?

Blaire: 55:06

Because I do that on any trip. I've always done that. Okay. The same reason that you clean your clean house before somebody comes over and then you say I'm sorry, it's such a mess, and we all know it ain't a mess, it looked good.

Zakk: 55:17

But the difference is, your car wasn't a mess. No, you also don't take your vehicle Before we go.

Blaire: 55:22

That's true. You clean it and you carwash it and it looks fine already.

Zakk: 55:26

The difference is it looks fine already. That's the difference. Now I say oh, this is someone who does have some stuff. On your logic it's a Christmas shopping, but that's not the point. Here's the deal. You went on a girls trip a few months ago and you said I really need to go out there and clean my car, which it translates to Zach. Can you do clean out the car, because Blair rarely cleans it out.

Blaire: 55:49

I just cleaned it out two weeks ago.

Zakk: 55:53

What's the last time you took it to the carwash?

Blaire: 55:56

I think that we need to define what clean your car means. I think that's the thing to do, so you know how.

Zakk: 56:01

when you're like, when you say you're going to do the dishes, that means you clean the counter too. Same thing, all right.

Blaire: 56:07

So you clean the whole kitchen, you know, just do the dishes.

Zakk: 56:11

Exactly. You said I need to go clean up my car, which meant Zach's going to go do it, and so Zach did. And I don't know if you have like bought stock and those protein shakes or not. But you do have a trash can, which is cute. But I open your the car door. The trash is behind the passenger seat, like under judo seats, so it's like out of sight, out of mind, on the floor. And I open the door and two of them fall out, two of the empty. They're not really bottles, what are they?

Blaire: 56:41

They're little cardboard bottles, yeah.

Zakk: 56:43

They're so hot. I was like, well dang. And then I look and it's like overflowing. I don't know if, like, you've been in a chugging competition of protein shakes or what, but they're everywhere. There's so many in there there's not room for trash anywhere else, so then it ends up in your floor and then crack just starts piling up. And then you've gotten in the car and your messy feet have gotten grass and trash everywhere and then I will go and buy the really nice floor mats for your car and you will get in there and you'll have them, like, all shoved up. One time I almost literally got into an accident driving your vehicle because you took the mat and it was so shoved up in there that it was blocking the brake pedal from going all the way down, and I said it's on the journey. You're like, oh yeah, tell me that your vehicle is not a mess. Here's what I know. I drove this vehicle before you did. I had it for like what, three years before you took it over. We traded. I got a different vehicle. You took that vehicle. When I drove that vehicle, it was almost always clean. I many times will refuse to get in the vehicle with you.

Blaire: 57:49

We just have different priorities.

Zakk: 57:52

It is like riding in a pigsty.

Blaire: 57:54

It is not that bad. A pigsty is an F and it's not an F. A pigsty is like.

Zakk: 58:01

There have been days, it's been an F. We're going to have to agree to disagree, because I think that your view of it's so funny how, when I bring something up that you don't like, we're going to have to agree to disagree.

Blaire: 58:14

Well, we can just stay here and drive going with circular motions. But we might as well agree to disagree, so we can move on.

Zakk: 58:20

What would you?

Blaire: 58:21

tell a couple about this. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Zakk: 58:24

This is not a small thing, Compromise this is going to end my life. You don't claim the vehicle.

Blaire: 58:29

You're being quite dramatic.

Zakk: 58:31

But I really won't ride in your vehicle.

Blaire: 58:32

This is true. I'm like come on, honey, just get in my and we'll run over it. We're going to run across the street earlier. Come on, honey, let's go over here and get this. No, let's take my truck. We walked further to get into your truck. Absolutely, we did. You refused to get in mine. That's fairly clean. Right now. It's not been vacuumed or wiped down, but as far as trash goes, as far as clutter, there's very little in there.

Zakk: 58:53

This is like the equivalent of saying you know, they smoke crack with their kids and they, you know, beat people up twice, but they're a really good person.

Blaire: 59:04

Here's what we can end with.

Zakk: 59:07

Oh, I'm sure we can. If it's that messy then why don't you go clean it yourself?

Blaire: 59:12

Good. Great, absolutely this is my answer to everything, would you?

Zakk: 59:21

don't like how I clean something at the house. If you don't like it, go clean it yourself.

Blaire: 59:25

That wasn't where I was going, that's where I went, you jumped and you made an assumption.

Zakk: 59:28

You're darn right, I did. These are great communication skills for people to learn.

Blaire: 59:31

You didn't. You didn't stretch before you made that jump. If my car is so horrible, it's disgusting you won't even ride in it, right, then why do you let your son? Why do you let your daughters? If it is that bad? Why do you let your children ride in this vehicle that you won't get in?

Zakk: 59:55

So what is your son If?

Blaire: 59:57

it's CPS worthy, then why are you letting your children in? I've never said it was CPS worthy. It's an F. I said that you're a slob. Yes.

Zakk: 1:00:03

To my standards of clean. There are times that you run around acting like our house is an F, when, at best, the floor needs to be swept and some toys need to be picked up and probably your beard hair needs to be cleaned out of the sink. Oh, we want to talk about hair. Do you want to talk about the large clump of hair that I pulled out of the shower drain this morning? Or the three balls that I threw away that you like stuck to the wall?

Blaire: 1:00:27

They're not stuck to the wall. They're in a little palm leaf pie and I fixed it so the thing wouldn't go down the drain.

Zakk: 1:00:33

Yes, that does not mean leaving it in the shower player.

Blaire: 1:00:37

As you can see, guys, we have a lot of toxic traits.

Zakk: 1:00:42

We have a lot of things wrong with us. Go ahead, just get your last one out. We've done two and two. Actually, we've done three and three. Now Go ahead, tell us how it's like.

Blaire: 1:00:54

We're going to make this one quick. You go to bed late regularly, most of the time reasons of your own choosing, and then you but you know what time you have to wake up every morning to do life, to be a responsible adult, and you wake up early and you complain because you got very little sleep. And then you're tired all day long and sometimes grouchy, and that is everyone else's problem, and or everyone else has to deal with you being grouchy and complaining that you're tired, when if you had just been a responsible adult and went to bed at a normal time, we wouldn't have to deal with this. You're always like why are you not tired? Because I got eight hours of sleep last night, because I was responsible. Yet you stay up all hours of the night and then complain when you got to wake up, like it's everybody else's fault.

Zakk: 1:01:47

I have no rebuttals to this.

Blaire: 1:01:50

Tax toxic trait.

Zakk: 1:01:52

I sit here and change.

Blaire: 1:01:53

You're the worst.

Zakk: 1:01:58

I agree. Now I will say there was one night last week that I was up until two o'clock in the morning last Monday night trying to get that freaking episode. Two nights, two Mondays ago, trying to get that freaking episode of love lessons to upload. That's valid the computer would not work and I it's still my fault. Ultimately it was my fault because I waited until the last minute. Well, we had a busy weekend too, so some of it was my fault. I waited until the last minute, literally Monday night I'm trying to edit the thing that goes live on Tuesday mornings and it was not working. It was almost two AM before I went to bed and that really sucked. Every other time this week it has been my fault. I hang my head in shame and I resolve the fact that it's not my strong suit. If only you could be so humble to admit your failures when GPS isn't ours.

Blaire: 1:03:00

Today's love note is a simple reminder to appreciate the unique things about your spouse. People often joke that the little things that they thought were cute when they first got together are now the things that drive them crazy. But it doesn't have to be that way. Remind yourself to not take things so seriously. Some fights just aren't worth the separation that they cause in your relationship.

Zakk: 1:03:23

Thanks for that love note. Will you clean your car out now?

Blaire: 1:03:26

It's not that bad.

Zakk: 1:03:28

Not that bad. Sounds like yet another justification.

Blaire: 1:03:32

Okay, it could use some work, but I'm going to need you to make me in the middle on that one.

Zakk: 1:03:37

This podcast could use some work. We'll see you guys next time if Blair's a little trash can on wheels makes it here. But, ed, we'll see you. Ha, ha ha.

Announcer: 1:03:52

Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Love Lessons Podcast. If you are enjoying the show, please feel free to rate, subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcast. That helps others find the show and we greatly appreciate it. Once again, thanks for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.