Mismatched Outfits (and Emotions): Surviving the Holidays without Throwing Hands

Relationships
Written By Zakk Gammon

Picture this, you're at the family holiday gathering, the turkey is dry, and you’re inches away from a heated argument about the fashion faux pas of matching outfits with your significant other. Remember this vivid scene as we hilariously navigate through the holiday stress and the drama that ensues in family gatherings in our latest episode of Love Lessons.

We start off by sharing some of our side-splitting experiences involving holiday stress, including a trailer mishap and memorable encounters with strangers. Steering the conversation towards a more light-hearted topic, we find ourselves in a spirited debate on matching outfits with your partner - yes, we’re bringing in some childhood nostalgia too. We’re curious to hear your thoughts on this one! We then plunge into the deep end. Setting emotional boundaries in relationships is often overlooked and we tackle this head-on. From personal space to financial limits, we discuss how to say "no" without feeling guilty.

Swerving back into the festive spirit, we dive into family dynamics during the holidays, the chaos of inviting unexpected guests, and some rather unconventional traditions. This includes an unforgettable bonfire mishap and Christmas dinner served in the early afternoon. We also touch on a serious note, the difficult process of confessing an affair to a spouse, and the path to redemption that follows. So, get ready for a rollercoaster ride filled with laughter, stories, and of course, Love Lessons. Trust us, this episode is packed with anecdotes and advice that you wouldn't want to miss!

Navigating the chaos of the holiday season can be a daunting task. Between family gatherings, debates about outfits, and the stress of maintaining emotional boundaries, there's no shortage of drama and potential pitfalls. This is the central theme of the latest episode of our Love Lessons podcast.

Our hosts share their experiences with holiday stress, including a mishap with a trailer and some memorable encounters with strangers. This hilarious discussion sets the stage for a more in-depth exploration of how to navigate holiday chaos, particularly in the context of love and relationships.

One of the more humorous debates in the episode revolves around the idea of matching outfits with your partner. This lighthearted conversation delves into childhood nostalgia, as our hosts share their views on this topic. But this seemingly trivial issue serves as a springboard for a more serious discussion about setting emotional boundaries in relationships.

Setting emotional boundaries, particularly during the holiday season, is a crucial aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. Our hosts delve into this topic, providing examples of how to set boundaries with personal space and privacy. They also discuss the importance of saying "no" without feeling guilty, a skill that is often overlooked but essential in preserving one's emotional health.

The episode also delves into family dynamics during the holidays. From the chaos of inviting unexpected guests to the complexity of maintaining traditional practices, the hosts provide insightful commentary on how to navigate these potentially fraught situations. This includes an unforgettable bonfire mishap and the peculiar tradition of serving Christmas dinner in the early afternoon.

The hosts also touch on a serious note, discussing the difficult process of confessing an affair to a spouse and the path to redemption that follows. This difficult conversation underscores the importance of honesty, trust, and the willingness to confront difficult issues head-on in a relationship.

The episode concludes with a light-hearted exploration of Thanksgiving dinner traditions and the amusing ways people list their spouse's name in their phone contacts. This segment, while humorous, serves as a reminder of the importance of maintaining a sense of humor and not taking ourselves too seriously during the holiday season.

Overall, this Love Lessons podcast episode is a rich exploration of the complexities of love and relationships amid the chaos of the holiday season. It provides listeners with practical advice, insightful anecdotes, and a healthy dose of humor, making it a must-listen for anyone looking to navigate the holiday season with grace, laughter, and love.

Episode Transcript

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means?(...) It's time to deal with your crazy family again. I know, you've survived Thanksgiving and you're staring down the barrel of the shotgun that's called Christmas dinner. Well, we have some tips today to help you navigate some of the holiday's stress so that you don't carry that home, get into an argument with your spouse and then you just spend all that time and silence on the way home and you're ready to strangle each other and you're trying not to say anything because you don't want to make the kids scream and cry and holler. We've got some help for that so that you can get through this holiday without throwing hands. It's all coming up right now on Love Lessons.(...) Real life,(...) real talk,(...) real relationships,(...) faith-based tips, tricks and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life.(...) It's the Love Lessons Podcast with your hosts,(...) Christian counselors and marriage experts,(...) Dr. Zakk and Blaire Gammon.

 

(...)

 

Hey guys and welcome to today's episode of Love Lessons. For all of you who are listening, we are back in the studio. Praise the Lord. We are no longer at home.

 

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We will be in the future. We know that that's just how it will be but we're in studio today. It's nice. It's nice to have the lights and the monitors and all the things that make this easy. Lights, camera, action. Right. We don't have to tear the entire kitchen apart to make this thing work.(...) It's beautiful. It is beautiful. Sometimes things don't work out. Yeah, sometimes they don't and sometimes they do. Do you have any experience this week about how some things don't work out the way you planned? You had to go there. Didn't have to go there.

 

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You did. You had to have to. Yeah, that sounds right. It works, yeah. Okay.

 

(...)

 

Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you mess up. Sometimes you mess up.(...) So sometimes those mess ups happen in public where people can see it and I had that experience. God likes to humble me sometimes when I start feeling a little too good about myself. Yeah. Okay. So let me start the stage.

 

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So this weekend, this past weekend as of this recording date,(...) by we, I mean you,(...) managed a huge outreach event for our church, Matthew's Table in Owensboro, Kentucky, if you're around, come visit us.

 

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And we prepared some meals at our church and then we took them to downtown Owensboro and got to serve those who were less fortunate. You did a great job, by the way. It was wonderful.

 

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And to make all of this happen, we had to transport some items. And so one of the things that we had to do was to get one of those big industrial sized food warmers.(...) So we did that. But to do that, we had to use a trailer.

 

(...)

 

And the gamut stood out on the trailer. So thankfully, Johnny, one of the fellow pastors at Matthew's Table was kind enough to let us borrow his trailer so that we could transport these items.

 

(...)

 

So that's where the problem started, is that Johnny shouldn't have said yes. We should have known that our success in trailers happened when we were children and not as adults pulling them behind a vehicle.

 

(...)

 

Different kind of trailer. Different kind of trailer. Different kind of trailer. So I'm going to let Johnny hold the responsibility here because he should have just said no. Zakk, you shouldn't have said that. No, we're not going to do that. The trailer's fine. My ego is not. So I felt pretty confident that the trailer was properly attached to the hitch of the truck. Yep. I felt good, but goodish about it.(...) Did all the things, tried to make sure that it wouldn't come loose. And we were in the parking lot. So let me take off.

 

(...)

 

And I said to you, before we go pick up this warmer, let me drive this thing around a little bit. I don't have a whole lot of experience driving trailers. It's just not my forte.

 

(...)

 

So let me drive this thing and do like a big loop around town before we go pick this thing up and I have to start maneuvering in and out of tight spaces. And you're like, okay, cool. So we're going, we barely pulled out of the charge parking lot where we picked the trailer up from. And we go through an intersection and there's a bump in this intersection.

 

(...)

 

And shortly after we get through this intersection, suddenly I hear this awful sound followed by where the trailer had come loose and we were dragging it behind us with just the chains that were attached to the truck.(...) So then I start slowing down and the trailer rams itself up and underneath the bumper of my truck.

 

(...)

 

Might've said a few bad words.

 

(...)

 

More than a few. I'm just hanging out. And you were calm and cool and collected. Which is really funny because I'm pretty neurotic usually until there's a crisis. And then when a crisis comes along, I'm usually the chill one. I was not necessarily chill this time.(...) I was more worried about like another vehicle hitting us or something like that. There was some, you know, it wasn't just cause I was being dramatic.

 

(...)

 

And so I'm like, oh crap. I might've said something other than crap. Honestly, now I've since repented. But anyways, point is, so as I'm getting out of the truck, I turn around and there are these two dudes from nowhere who have come up and they're already back there working on it, trying to fix it. I'm like, what is going on? And one of the guys was like, yeah, we work at such and such muffler shop over here. We saw you going through the intersection. We weren't going this way, but we saw the trailer bounce and we knew it was going to happen soon. So we just decided to follow you till it came loose.

 

(...)

 

And I'm like, these are those people that you hear about that live for this stuff. You know, like when your car goes off in the ditch in the wintertime and you're stranded and you need somebody with a pickup truck to come down and believe. Like I do enjoy that. Like I'm all about it. My friend Kansas, you know, ran out of gas on the side of the road recently and I got to go rescue her. She made all my dreams. You were super Zakk that day. I was very excited about it. Yeah. He's worth keeping everything. If Kansas listens to this, she may be mad at me for publicly telling the world what happened. But anyway,(...) so no one would be surprised. These guys, um, the, the, the trailer was stuck up under the bumper of the truck. Right. And so these two dudes who were average sized dudes were like, Hey, we're going to pick the truck up. The bullets for my G Judah and I are in the truck still. Yeah, they're just hanging out. Yeah. And I was like, are you sure? Are you sure you guys can do this? And they were like, just go move the truck. And I was like, okay, you're in charge here. Clearly I'm not capable of doing this. And so they lifted the truck while I pulled it forward. And then I had to back it up a little bit so they could read and they, they got her all hooked up and everything was fine. Um,(...) and Johnny and his graciousness, um, was very kind when I said, Hey, uh, uh, you might need a new Jack for your trailer. Um, he was, he was very gracious about it. Three different people so far, um, in the last couple of days that I've run into her be like, Hey, were you broke down on the side of the road? No, I wasn't broken down. I just was stupid. Um, I dropped a trailer, I dropped a trailer in the middle of the road. And um, so I have sensed since dropped the trailer back off the proper way, um, properly removed it from the truck.(...) And I never want to drive the bull whenever again.

 

(...)

 

I am ashamed. Sometimes things don't work out the way he planned.(...) So here we are.

 

(...)

 

So our event was very successful. The event was successful. We got to feed over 375 people. Yeah. So it was all worth you dropping the trailer in the middle of the street. You know, I have a, I have a phrase that I like to use every now and then it's all for the kingdom.

 

(...)

 

Uh, sometimes it's just not.

 

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So I did learn something else since our last episode.(...) Um, our last episode was like love lessons unhinged.

 

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We were really this way, but we've tried to do some editing, um, over the first handful of episodes so that we sound professional because you know, you hear that intro Christian counselors and marriage experts and then you've got a couple of ding dongs. So we've tried to sound professional, at least in our editing. Well, not only that.

 

(...)

 

You know, there are podcasts I listen to and unless I'm really job with the people, I need y'all to get to the point, like, like get to the content, get to the good stuff. And so we've been rushing to do that a lot of times and cutting out some of us through editing and so we've gotten a lot of feedback.

 

(...)

 

Well we were slide happy and it was late. It was past my bedtime. You're a medicine and born old. It was a mess. So people loved it. And so we've decided that you guys are just going to get like raw, real,(...) unadulterated,

 

(...)

 

it's just,(...) this is what we're going to edit a little bit, but not too much. Every time you pick your nose, they're going to see it on the camera.(...) So we're still going to be appropriate, but we're also going to add in some of that stuff. Some days might be funny and some days might be, you know, more serious. Depends on the topic at hand. Love lessons unhinged. Unhinged. We're changing that name.

 

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No, I think that we just keep, you know,(...) it's, it's, it's a lesson in, in, um,(...) how the Lord can grow you in any season you're in. That's good. I know. Wait, did Jesus do? Sure did. Pastor, you want a fun fact?

 

(...)

 

I knew this was going to happen. Yeah. How'd you slide that right in there? Here's our fun fact. Okay. So you know how you see people who've been married for a while and it's like, it seems like they start to look alike. Yes. So it turns out this is really a thing and there's some signs behind it. Okay. So I didn't know this was a thing. Um, but how did you stumble upon it? I don't, I don't read something stupid on the internet. Who knows? You know, I just, I bank these things up and I pull them out at the appropriate time. So it turns out that there is scientific truth behind this observation. A study from the University of Michigan found that the longer a couple is together, the more they do start to look alike. And so the reasoning behind this, they say is because couples who do spend a significant amount of time together, they end up mimicking each other's facial expressions or they will start to adopt similar habits and kind of how they talk into things, which I think is true. We do that a lot of the same things. And so over time that ends up creating similar wrinkles and laugh lines.

 

(...)

 

Oh, makes sense. Doesn't it? So what about people who look like they're dogs? Have you ever seen that? Yeah, I don't, I don't know. You don't have an answer for that one. Okay. I don't have anything scientific for that. Okay. But the, that, okay. So at least that makes sense because I have wondered how people look so much alike. Have you ever met a couple and they're like older than they're like, are they brother or sister because they look so much alike?

 

(...)

 

So interesting. So let's, let's, let's just share with the world how you don't love me.

 

(...)

 

What is it this time? Tell the world what I've done to offend you. Not only great doctors that game, I want us to look alike, but I want us to match. Oh no. And you will not wear matching outfits. No, I will not. What is wrong with it? I need, I need you to explain why you're so passionate about it. Like what the validation you get. It's not that I am like so desiring to match. It's that I'm not. It's that you won't. It's that you don't love me. At least not publicly.

 

(...)

 

No, you want to wear like matching tie-dye shirts that say like I'm her and he's mine. Okay. Well, that's a little, that's a little silly. With like arrows pointed at them. Although I have seen the ones that are like, if, if lost return to Rita and then like I'm Rita, that'd be great.(...) That would be pretty applicable with our relationship. Why can't we like when we go on vacation and like there's, you know, Hilton and Island and it's on like the obnoxious tie-dye. Why can't we get matching shirts?(...) We can. We just can't wear them at the same time unless we're on vacation. No.

 

(...)

 

Roy and Marie Hicks, some of our very dear friends, hopefully they're listening and they haven't given up on us yet.

 

(...)

 

They love to wear matching shirts. It works for them. Because they love each other.

 

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When I see Roy and Marie do it, I think, oh, when I think of you and I do it, I think that's so cringy. That's cringe as the kids say. There is nothing cringe about loving your spouse Blaire. I love you very much, but it does not mean that I want to share. Or are we supposed to wear matching underwear next? Okay. They make those. No, don't make it weird.

 

(...)

 

Why don't you love me? I do love you. And if that's the way I have to show it, then you are going to feel very unloved because I'm not going to do that for you. Clearly.

 

(...)

 

I've worn similar like church logo stuff.

 

(...)

 

Yeah, but you made me change if we're wearing the same church hoodie. If it's the same color. See, why are you ashamed of me? I'm not ashamed. I just need some individuality. Okay. No, you don't. Yes, I do. After nearly 14 years.

 

(...)

 

You stuck with me homegirl. Oh gosh.(...) I need to know what the people think.(...) This is something people need to send. We're going to share this on our Facebook page.(...) Is it appropriate for you or your spouse to wear matching and or color coordinating clothes? Because there are some people. Color coordinating is fine. And there are some people who won't wear color coordinating clothes either. I think that's great. Color coordinate all day long. We do that a lot. So it's just matching for you. It's like copy and paste.(...) What about like cute family pictures where like everybody and the dogs wearing the same kind of pajamas? Oh, that's cute. Pajamas, pajamas. How do I normally say pajamas? Is that how I normally say pajamas? Yeah. Pajamas. No, we don't say that. I'm not Midwestern. No, pajamas. Pajamas. Jammies. Or jammies. There you go. No, because that's for like Christmas, you know, pictures or something like that is intentionally that everybody's wearing the same. And we do do matching Christmas pajamas for everybody.

 

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That's okay.(...) So here's what I'm hearing.

 

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It's okay as long as it's on your terms.

 

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That's what we match. Why do you have to decimate me like that? What?(...) Under certain conditions, it's not cringy. It's like, oh, that's cute. Just like your love is available under certain conditions.

 

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I'm so up for you today.

 

(...)

 

Welcome to lessons. There's no love left.

 

(...)

 

We get in my ruler and smack your hands when you don't follow the lessons.

 

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Okay. I want to know what the people think.(...) We do. Get on our Facebook page. Hold that thought. Get on our Facebook page.(...) Do you, um, do you choose to match with your spouse or is it cringy? Do you choose to match with your spouse or do you no longer love them?(...) That's not going to be what the ball says. That can't be the only options. I have some PTSD from rulers.

 

(...)

 

You were not a great kid. Okay. That's fair.

 

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Marilyn Roberts, my second grade teacher, God rest her soul. I believe she's gone on to be with the Lord now. She's gone to glory at this point.

 

(...)

 

She might, my days in second grade were not glorious with her.

 

(...)

 

She had this purple ruler. You were a little alien. I wasn't that bad all the time. Sometimes I was sweet. I don't have very many stories that you've told me that you were sweet. All the stories you told me are where you're being a little butt head. Okay. She smacked my hand with the ruler all the time. It was her favorite past time. If I would try to ask a question and that I needed like actual direction on, she would just smack my hand. It was very, it was very heartbreaking for little Zakk. I did go back and see her several years later. I was in 10th, 11th grade, I think.

 

(...)

 

One of my sisters had something going on at that elementary school. I was still back by and she was very kind and sweet. I think she had forgotten that I was a tiny terrorist in her classroom.(...) She probably forgot you at all and was just acting like she knew who you were. Also on the same day, that was my second grade teacher. I went to my third grade teacher.

 

(...)

 

She looked at me and she said, "It's Zakk, right?" I hadn't been in the school in several years, probably since I was in second or third grade. She goes, "It's Zakk, right?" I was like, "Yeah, good for you for remembering." She's like, "Yeah, I can remember something." I said, "That's probably because I was such a bad kid." She goes, "Yeah, probably so."

 

(...)

 

Anyway,(...) curling up was really hard for me. Okay? I know. I need some sympathy.

 

(...)

 

Do you need empathy or sympathy? I need all of it. I need you to wear a matching freaking t-shirt with me. Would that make you feel more loved? Would that take care of what Marilyn Roberts did to you as a child? Yes. Would that heal your trauma? Yes. I don't think it would. If it really would, then I'd go out in the middle of Fredericka Street in a matching shirt and walk down. We could have our own gaming style parade down the street. We did the other day when I dropped the trailer in the middle of the road. There were squad of parade of vehicles waiting for me to get out of the way. Yeah, that's true. We weren't matching that day though.(...) Now, my attitude matched something.

 

(...)

 

Some bad words.

 

(...)

 

Anyway.

 

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So we survived Thanksgiving.

 

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We're still alive.

 

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It got me to thinking that it's funny because this time of year between Thanksgiving and Christmas is traditionally when the phone lines start lighting up at the office.

 

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Many times it's because people go to their family for Thanksgiving. They realize they're crazy and then think, "Oh crap, I've got to do this again next month." Right. I'm going to be re-triggered next month. So let's talk about boundaries and why they're important.

 

(...)

 

Not just around the holidays, but it's very timely right now.(...) Yeah, so this word has such a negative connotation because people don't like boundaries when they're set against them, if you will, or set to where they're not supposed to cross over.

 

(...)

 

But boundaries are a really healthy thing.(...) When you actually look at what a boundary is, it is really and truly establishing parameters to make sure that you are emotionally okay, that you're taking responsibility for your own emotions, and that your own well-being is maintained, as well as those that you're in relationship with. Yeah. So here's an official definition from the internet webs.

 

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Emotional boundaries are taking ownership of your own feelings and not being made to feel responsible for other people's feelings, part one, and then part two, a frontier or bounding line that gives you a sense of entitlement about your personal space and privacy. So those are a bunch of $5 words, and I like to talk in 25 cent words. And so really what that means is just saying, "I can only be responsible for how I feel.

 

(...)

 

However, I'm going to set a line, right, boundary, so that someone else's behavior does not cause me or make me feel or get me to a point that I am going to act or feel or behave in a way that can create a negative impact on this relationship." Right? No, I misspoke when I said make you feel because nobody can make you feel any kind of way despite the fact that you might want to blame them for it. You're responsible for your own feelings and your own emotions. You're choosing to have that feeling. Maybe rightfully so. Right. Right. That's not something that you're not entitled to feel the way that you do, but boundaries help you to be able to create a place where you know where the line is so that you don't go in that direction of that negative feeling or emotion because that can cause harm. Yeah.

 

(...)

 

So we hear boundaries and we think negatively, but we already do this in so many different areas of our life.

 

(...)

 

Maybe not emotionally. And so it's why we allow the set boundaries in other areas, but not emotionally. For example,(...) have you ever rented a billboard and put your bank account routing number and the password to your bank account? No. The billboard for hackers to get into? Yes, I have. No. What about in your neighborhood? Have you given a key to every neighbor in your neighborhood? Even the ones you've not met. Did you knock on the door and say, "Hi, nice to meet you. My name's Zakk. Here's a key to my house. Come in any time you want." I'm off. No, you restricted access.(...) You were smart about who you gave access to.(...) It's the same thing with a boundary, with an emotional boundary. We need to be smart about who we give access to us and that needs to be based on their responsibility level, how responsible they have been with the access that we've given them. Yeah. That's really smart. Have you ever thought about being a counselor? That actually comes straight out of a book.

 

(...)

 

Lisa Tuckers, Good Boundaries and Good Boss.(...) Ladies, if you've never read it, I highly, highly recommend it, especially if you have trouble saying no or are a people pleaser. She's got a couple of good books on her. Here's an aside, real quick. Not really. This kind of goes with boundaries. No is a sentence all by itself. Yes. It's one of the most valuable lessons you've ever taught me because I am a people pleaser.

 

(...)

 

Did you just say I taught you that lesson? You did. Did I really? Yeah. Tell me all the ways. That was the only thing you ever taught me anyway.

 

(...)

 

No. I taught Dr. Zakk something?

 

(...)

 

Gosh.

 

(...)

 

I'm sorry. Go ahead. It wasn't talking about me. I hate it here.

 

(...)

 

I don't feel safe in my own home.

 

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So that's a joke. Don't call the police. So as people pleasers, it's really easy to feel guilty to manipulate it into doing things. Isn't it? Absolutely. No is a sentence all by itself. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Scripture says, let your know be know or let your nay be nay if you're a horse or you read that in the King James version. That's what you did. If you're a horse who reads in Shakespeare and English, then that's fine. That works. Yeah.

 

(...)

 

But know is a sentence all by itself. You are not required to explain your know, to explain your reasoning. You were just allowed to say no, even if it's your mama.(...) So in that book,(...) Liz Tucker wrote it with her counselor, Jim Kress, and he says in there, children explain adults in form.

 

(...)

 

And so that's really important when you are communicating boundaries.

 

(...)

 

But even before that,(...) what are they and what are they not? So we've kind of talked about what they are. What are they not? So boundaries are not setting something up to hurt people. It's not punishment. Right. We're not punishing people. We're not saying you don't get access to me because you don't deserve me and you know, doing your little Z snap.

 

(...)

 

Boundaries are protecting yourself and protecting the other person with the hope that it helps to keep the relationship intact. If you say that you're putting up boundaries because you never want to speak to so and so again, that's not really a boundary. It's not a boundary. And that's okay, by the way. If you don't want to speak to somebody, you're not obligated to. But let's call it what it is that you don't want to talk to that person because you don't like them. Again, that you're allowed to not like somebody. Jesus said we had to love everybody, not that we had to like everybody. You were cutting someone off without saying here's what's going to change that.

 

(...)

 

Yeah, that's not necessarily what we're talking about here.

 

(...)

 

So an understanding of when you might need a boundary.

 

(...)

 

Emotionally. This might be when something is said to you or done to you that make you feel unwell emotionally. You feel like you are responding in an incorrect, unhealthy manner is probably the best word to use there. So if you are responding in a way that is hurtful, harmful to you or the relationship. Kind of like when you won't wear a shirt that matches.

 

(...)

 

Anyway so that's when I did it. So I had a personal boundary and that's the other thing I want to touch on here too. You're welcome. I'm just here to help.

 

(...)

 

This boundary,(...) a good indicator that you might need one is if you are having a conversation with someone or you're responding and you feel a twinge of ugh at something that they've said or done that's making you respond that way. Again, you're choosing your responses. You might consider what's a boundary in this situation.

 

(...)

 

For example,(...) if you are sitting around eating Thanksgiving dinner and Aunt Ida brings up politics. Frickin' Ida, just shut up. I know, like why are we doing this Ida?(...) Then it might be and her beliefs are so drastically different than yours are and this is going to be a contentious conversation.

 

(...)

 

You might set a boundary that says, "Hey Aunt Ida, I'd really love to stay at this table and have dinner with you but I don't want to debate politics. So can we take politics as a conversation point off the table?"(...) That's a boundary that you're setting. You're saying I want to continue this relationship. I want to protect what we've got here but to do so I cannot entertain a conversation about politics or religion or whatever family drama is it. No, insert whatever you want.

 

(...)

 

Are you saying it's not appropriate for me to look at Aunt Ida and say to shut your stupid old wrinkly face, you hateful woman? No. That is an example of when you should have set a boundary but you didn't and you let yourself get so emotionally charged and moved that you exploded and you punished in that situation you didn't do it to protect the relationship. You were doing it to defend not to actually enhance and bring health to the relationship.

 

(...)

 

We could talk about boundaries all day long because there's so much information out there when it comes to boundaries but specifically boundaries around the holidays because you're going to be triggered. You're going to be around family that believe differently, that act differently, that you realize okay this is why we come together twice a year instead of once a week to do this. There are a lot of different varying beliefs and so you have to be able to maintain protecting those relationships while setting boundaries. Yeah. So I will say I see people in situations with their families and there are people that I know that have reached a point in their families where they're like I just can't go to holiday functions because it just becomes so toxic whether it's them or it's me or it's both. I just have to stay away and I just want to remind people that no you don't just have to love somebody because they're family. However, just cutting somebody off because you're upset without actually seeking to find any kind of reconciliation is just as bad.

 

(...)

 

Every family is dysfunctional. I have never, I don't like using blanket statements, but I have never seen a family in the years that I have been working with people in a counseling environment that is totally and 100% operating at a way that has no dysfunction.(...) You know the difference in that is that there are those families that are dysfunctional that refuse to understand that they are and to do any work and there are those families who realize that they have dysfunction but they're working on it. That's the defining difference there is who's working to be healthier, to create as much health as they can versus who is justifying and or continuing to live in that dysfunction. Just let you crazy hang out.

 

(...)

 

So we've come up with a handful of helpful holiday tips to deal with dysfunction. This really isn't just holiday specific. This can be used any time of year but it's really helpful especially like when Aunt Ida makes a comment about your fourth plate of food while she's brought her fourth husband to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't know that I know anybody named Ida but if you haven't Aunt Ida I'm sure she's very sweet. She's a lovely lady. Right. But the one in our head is not. The woman we're blaming is not. She's just old, hateful, like crotchety old woman. I'm getting like some like vibes from Christmas vacation. Yeah I could see that. They're the old. Like the grandpa. Was she Aunt Ida? Was that her name Aunt Ida in that? Was it? We'll have to look this up.(...) Anyway, I remember when they were around the table and she was going to say grace and she did the blood fill agents instead.

 

(...)

 

Yes I do. Oh man.

 

(...)

 

Anyway.

 

(...)

 

So we have some tips.

 

(...)

 

Boundary lessons. Not even that at all. Okay.

 

(...)

 

Before, here's tip number one. Before you say yes to something ask yourself how meaningful it is.(...) So this is the, what's the lady on Netflix? Renee Brown. No. The lady who organizes stuff if it doesn't bring jewelry you throw it out. Marie Kondo? Marie Kondo I think. Yeah I think so. Renee Brown's great too. But you know she's like if it doesn't bring jewelry you set it aside. Doesn't spark jewelry. Yeah so you go through your house and you fill out your bills and your bra and your husband.

 

(...)

 

Your bills, your bra and your boo. They're all gone.

 

(...)

 

All gone.

 

(...)

 

Do you ever want to do that? And then your neighbor.

 

(...)

 

You know. Mary's going.

 

(...)

 

Why's your husband in the yard?(...) Mary he didn't spark any jewelry. Do you want it? Oh man. Mary says now he's not sparking joy for me either. Mary really, we do have a neighbor named Mary. Yeah she's pleasant. She's, yeah. I don't know if she'd take me. I don't know if you got rid of me. I don't know that any of the neighbors would. I don't know any of our friends would either. That's true. Yeah. Anyway.(...) Sorry. So before you say yes to something ask yourself how meaningful it is. Here's what I mean.

 

(...)

 

Just because your family does something every year does not mean that you're obligated to continue doing it. If it is something that brings you stress or causes frustration. Absolutely. There are families who will go Christmas shopping for a live tree. This is a real life story. I heard it from a former client.

 

(...)

 

They would go out as a family to pick a Christmas tree. They do live Christmas tree.

 

(...)

 

And every single year they would get into a fight out on the lot. Like mom and dad would start bickering. The kids would get into it. It was just never a good situation.

 

(...)

 

And finally one year we were sitting in therapy and they were complaining about this and I'm like then why not go to Walmart and buy a fake tree.

 

(...)

 

And the wife was like I could never do that. We always had a live tree growing up. I'm like well do your parents still have a live tree? She was like yeah I'd look great. There's your live tree. Go to Walmart and buy a fake one. And it was like this earth shattering information to them. So they went to Walmart and bought a fake tree.(...) And they didn't have a fight. It was great.

 

(...)

 

Just because something is a holiday tradition doesn't mean that you have to do it. Now if it's something that's meaningful to your family that's really important whether it's you know some families do a cute thing now where they like them they make a birthday cake for Jesus.

 

(...)

 

And yes that can be frustrating as a parent but if you've got little kids you know helping them to understand the reason for the season that's different. But if you're just doing it because you know mamma and papa have always done it ask yourself why.

 

(...)

 

So if there's anybody that's in a really dysfunctional family out there listening right now they've already lost their minds hearing that. They're already messaging back and forth going where are we going who are we going to see. Mammy and Papi were doing that in the 30s when Anna Iida was born.

 

(...)

 

Freaking Iida.(...) Well this next one goes into that. Don't let guilt drive your decisions.(...) Let your yes be yes and your no be no. Really assess what is going to work for my family in this season. What is going to mentally be a what are we going to do and what are we not going to do. What expectations are placed on us and are there any that are placed on us that we are not able to meet in this season of our lives.(...) And if that is true then you don't have to be motivated by guilt and shame.(...) Now disclaimer that does not mean that your mama might not try to make you feel guilty about it. Right. Yeah. We always do that. And Iida there she goes again. She's the worst. She's the worst person I've ever met.

 

(...)

 

But it doesn't mean that people are not going to try to make you feel guilty. But that does not mean that you have to take that on and agree that you are going to feel guilty if you have made an educated adult decision based on facts based on understanding the environment and what it is that you and your family need emotionally and you are setting a boundary saying hey we're not going to attend this year or we're going to come a different day or whatever it is that you're doing then you have nothing to be guilty of. You have made an educated decision at that point based on what it is that you and your family need. If someone doesn't like that decision you can respect the fact that they don't like it but you don't have to allow yourself to feel guilty. You can say I made this choice for a reason. They are trying to make me feel bad guilt shame condemnation but I'm refusing to take that mantle on if you will. That's their problem. They need to deal with the fact that they are using guilt manipulation tactics to try to convince me to change my mind when my mind is already made up. That's a them issue not a me issue.

 

(...)

 

Passive aggressive comments count as attempts at guilt and manipulation. If somebody makes a passive aggressive comment what do you mean by that? What do you mean by that comment?

 

(...)

 

Here's an area where I need to grow in my own life because when somebody makes a passive aggressive comment to me I don't get passive aggressive. I get aggressive aggressive and it's not Christ like but people typically only do it once.

 

(...)

 

So while Zakk wants to work on that area he doesn't need exposure therapy please do not come up and make passive aggressive comments to him because he doesn't do well in this situation. I don't do well at passive but in that same theme especially when Ann Ida brings up her political beliefs of how this great country is falling apart which is funny because both sides say that but that's not the point of the conversation.

 

(...)

 

When that happens also remember that you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. It's an invitation but it doesn't mean that you have to accept that. Because guess what you're going to have in nearly every family around the Christmas dinner coming up you're going to have the one person who's like super edgy and she's 22 years old and she knows everything because she's been at college for three years and she's not a Christian anymore and she does all of your idiots all the way to the other end of the spectrum where you've got like Uncle Alf who's married to Ann Ida and you know he makes really inappropriate jokes and you're not really comfortable leaving them in the same room as your kids.

 

(...)

 

Dang Alf, Alf and Ida what are we going to do with them? I know anyway okay here's the next one. Financial boundaries. Money money money.

 

(...)

 

If you struggle to keep the lights on in your house then you do not have to buy Christmas gifts for all 83 of your nieces and nephews. So it's all something neat that people are doing now where they will put like nieces and nephews all the names in a bowl and then you pick out each one or a sign to one or two and you pick out and that's the one you buy for so that you don't have to go and buy a ton of presents for every niece and nephew. I think if you have a large family then that is a really smart boundary to have in place a really neat thing to bring up.

 

(...)

 

All them kids don't need those dang presents anyway they'd be thankful for what they've got. Well aside from that financially you also need to set boundaries for your own financial well-being and so this could go two ways this could be expectations of family that you are to buy for nieces and nephews or family or whoever it is presents or maybe it's not presents maybe it is contributing to like a Christmas fund where we do fun Christmas activities or whatever financial contribution you're asked to make it might be the expectation of others that's placed on you but it also could be where you're placing that on yourself. Oh I think that I have to do this because it's A what we've always done or what I think we should do. Or it's expected of me. It's expected of me or it's what I want to do because it will make me look good or meet whatever need that I have when in reality this might be and what we've not talked about time for you to set a boundary on yourself.(...) A lot of times we sure like to throw out boundaries for other people but we don't like to talk about that we may need to set boundaries on ourself and set consequences on that for our own protection.(...) I'm only going to spend a hundred dollars on gifts for family and if I go outside of that then the consequences are. I'm going to beat myself up. No no no grace grace. The consequences of that could be I'm going to tell someone who's going to hold me accountable to return some gifts.

 

(...)

 

I'm going to take that money out of another budget maybe it's my fund budget or my eating out budget. I'm going to remove money from that to cover it so I have to fill that consequence later.(...) What are we going to do and that's for our protection because we're teaching ourselves something when we're doing that we're holding ourselves to that otherwise we've been 10 grand a year on Christmas each family and that's you know while the economy might not like that our checkbooks are not we're not going to be sustainable year long year round so anyway why use many word when little word do trick.

 

(...)

 

There are office listeners anyway financial boundaries are important and don't beat yourself up literally yeah or figuratively.

 

(...)

 

Do not go out in the front yard with reindeer Santa Claus and all the Christmas lights up and start punching yourself in the face because you only spent a hundred dollars on Christmas presents. If you did do that will you record it and will you send it to hello at lovelessons.com because Zakk and I would very much love that as our Christmas present.

 

(...)

 

Plan out verbal boundaries that you'll set with your family members this is not standing in the shower and planning out how fights are going to go.

 

(...)

 

And I said and she said oh right. Christmas is know what you're going to say when you get there so that it doesn't turn into an argument such as hey Aunt Ida instead of saying you stupid old wrinkly crotchety woman and Crust Crust over there it's so I'm over that camera I'm sorry. She must feel so bad as a person. Well with all the things you're saying about her. I'm being aggressive aggressive to this mano person I really don't have an Aunt Ida by the way for those who are listening and Aunt Ida is not a code word for something else either. I'm just anyway but know what you're going to say so that when that conversation does come up you're not exploding in anger you're not creating further distance. So kind of like what you said whatever you said it was really smart sounding about not you know I don't want to have this conversation about politics I want to remain at this table. Know how you're going to respond and it is as also as important make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page because when you get there if your mother-in-law drives you crazy and you have to set a boundary then your spouse doesn't need to come up behind you and totally just negate all of that by saying oh come on she's my mom. She didn't mean anything by it. If you don't want your mother-in-law to feed your two month old baby mashed potatoes and you tell her no and she gets mad then your husband comes up and says it's not a big deal(...) then go get a new husband. No that's not what we do this either that's not what we do. But really and truly there's conflict there right you're either going to have a blow up or you're going to shut down and you're going to try to talk about it later and yeah so if your mother-in-law crosses boundaries like that then have a conversation with your spouse ahead of time hey I want to do this because I want to continue to have a healthy relationship with your mom with my mother-in-law. I'm not doing this as a punishment to her but it is a hard boundary that I have out of care for my own child or whatever it may be.

 

(...)

 

It's important that you're on the same page so that you create a united front.

 

(...)

 

Maybe that is being on the same page that you give each other a look when it is time to get out of dodge.

 

(...)

 

And you know every couple has that look right? If you say you don't you're lying. Yes. Or you have a very healthy family at which can I come to Christmas?

 

(...)

 

Figure out what your escape plan is and communicate that ahead of time. Is it like three blinks and like a nose rub? And then it's like gotta go!

 

(...)

 

Is that like 30 minute warning? That's it. Yeah. That's it. So the next one is stick to language that is free of blaming and shaming when you set boundaries. Oh that's a good one. Yeah. So instead of saying you never, you always, you did this when you're setting a boundary. While it is important to describe what it is that they've done when you are informing them of why you're setting the boundary it's I don't feel blank and so when you do blank

 

(...)

 

I don't feel safe when you yell at me and so if yelling happens or continues then I'm going to remove myself from this room.

 

(...)

 

You are saying I am feeling this way. I am taking responsibility for my feelings and so I am feeling this. This is why I'm doing this. Not you yell at me and if you yell at me again I'm leaving.

 

(...)

 

Yes they did yell at you but why is yelling an issue? That's what we need to talk about.(...) They might not respect your feelings but at that point it hopefully will deflate some of the defensiveness because you're saying I'm feeling this way and not I'm telling you to change your behavior for no reason. That it's causing me harm. Yeah. And it, those are simple conversations. They don't have to be this big dramatic thing. It's just hey if this happens, if A happens then B is going to be the result of that. Not a consequence, just a result. Yeah.

 

(...)

 

If you are planning out your verbal boundaries ahead of time, again not mapping it out like an argument in the shower but if and out it always brings up politics then we already know what's going to happen. You can sit here and listen to this and you already know some of the things that are going to be conversations around the table because it's history. We've done this over and over and over again. You're going to know who's going to say what at what point and who's going to get mad and what not. So if you know those things you can anticipate. You can plan out what you're going to say and when you're going to say it because you already have an idea of how it's going to go.

 

(...)

 

This episode of the Love Lessons Podcast is brought to you by CrossPointe Theological Seminary.(...) CTS offers online education and degree programs in the areas of Christian counseling, life coaching, business management and church leadership.(...) Learn more and apply online at www.CrossPointe.education. Plus, use code LOVE on your application and CTS will waive your enrollment fee.(...) CrossPointe Theological Seminary provides an affordable, quality Christian education to move your ministry forward.

 

(...)

 

So everybody's got a little crazy in their family,(...) especially around the holidays. The crazy likes to come out. Sure does. You have any experience in that? I mean, last time you told us about fighting in the front yard. Anything else happen?

 

(...)

 

So we do have in my family a ... It's a tradition. It's a tradition I guess. It happens almost every year. If you know a stray dog, how they don't have anywhere to go, we like to collect stray people. And so we would have, not every year, you said it happens every year. It happens every year. There are many people in and out, but yeah. I've never been to a family gathering of yours around the holidays.(...) It's been a few years since we've all been together. So that's unfair to say it happens now, but at least in the past when we all got together around the holidays, there was never a single Thanksgiving or Christmas that I knew everyone who was there. Yeah. And your family's not that big. Yeah, they're not. We like to invite strays or make sure, which no one should be going without having people. And so it's all good hearted and has the best of intentions. One of the things, we were just talking about this last night, one of the things that I so appreciate about your mother is that you hear people say that so and so would give you the shirt off their back. Your mother would absolutely give somebody the shirt off her back, even if she didn't have anything left in her closet when she got home. And so it always comes from this place of just never wanting anybody to feel left down and wanting to have something.

 

(...)

 

But as you can imagine, it definitely creates some interesting stories and some interesting situations.

 

(...)

 

He is. So this one year, we had a lady who came with her son. He was an adult. He was a young adult son, but he was... Oh, okay. He was grown.

 

(...)

 

And I don't remember there was some story that she lived... She had bought some land. She'd come to some money. She'd bought some land, but she ran out of money buying the land. She used everything she could to buy the land. Yeah, they wanted to build an house, super looking mobile home or something like that. Yeah, they wanted to put something on the land, but they didn't have the money. And so they were living in this... It was a shed that was already built on the land. Had no electricity, no running water. And they lived in this tiny little, no bathroom facilities, nothing.

 

(...)

 

It was literally four walls and a roof, I think. Yeah. It was essentially homeless. It was just you had some land.

 

(...)

 

And so she was hiring her somewhere there.(...) And when we talk about family dysfunction,(...) so my grandfather was very particular about food because of how he was raised by his grandparents. And just in a different culture where the men were served and the women did the serving.

 

(...)

 

All of it. So we would sit in our open concept house where the kitchen, the living room, and the dining room were all right there. And he would watch us cook.

 

(...)

 

So this particular lady, I don't remember her name, was there and she was kind of eating out of pots.

 

(...)

 

While drinking all the wine in the house, by the way. Yeah. And she was drinking wine that was in the house and was getting a spoon and eating out of pots, which is a big no-no in my family. That was an unwritten rule. Germs and grunts, like you don't do that.

 

(...)

 

I know. Out of all the things. Out of all the things. But she... Yeah, fine. The front yard's fine. Yeah, fine front yard's fine. But don't double up a spoon. She was.

 

(...)

 

And I remember my grandfather was hollering at her across the room. He didn't know this lady. He was like, and he was cussing at her. What are you doing? And it was like, and she wasn't offended that he was hollering at her and she just kept doing it throughout. I think she was too inebriated by this point. Yeah. And so then there were deviled eggs and she kept eating them to the point where there were none left at the end of the meal. Yeah. Before we even got to the meal.

 

(...)

 

Before we even got to the meal. That's right. They were gone and he was just, he got, he was angrier and angrier and her foot just kept, like it was... He shakes his foot when it gets mad. I was just waiting for it to explode. That's where it gets off.

 

(...)

 

And, you know, that was, we of course took our cranberry sauce out of our jar, out of our can, ocean spray. Right. Cut it up. Nobody ate it. Nobody ate it. Cut it up and put it on a crystal platter and nobody touched it. But you know, it's Thanksgiving. That's what you do. It's one of those great family traditions. It was Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving. Because she was there for Christmas. She was there later for Christmas. Oh yeah. She came back. Yeah. Because we had an extra gift and so we put her name on it. Oh, that's right. So let me tell you what happened after dinner. Oh yeah. This is probably one of my favorite stories of all time.

 

(...)

 

So this woman, bless her sweetheart,(...) she had some type of physical disability or handicap. She had to walk with a cane. Yes. A cane. She had, I don't know if she had an injury or something, but she was walking with her cane at Thanksgiving and again at Christmas. So I assumed it was chronic.

 

(...)

 

So she is inebriated and some of the family members had decided to go out into the backyard, big backyard at your grandparents' house and have a bonfire. Which was a very, we've never done that before. She was like, "Oh, this is a new family thing." That was nice. Yeah. We think.

 

(...)

 

And so,(...) but the yard goes like down a hill. Yeah, it's just a big old slope.(...) And so she walks out off of the back step in her already struggling to get around mobility issues plus being drunk and she just loses her balance and goes rolling down the hill. And she rolled, I mean it was one of those things where you're watching it in slow motion and you're like, "No,(...) somebody get her."

 

(...)

 

And right toward the fire. And thankfully her son stopped her and snatched her up right before she rolled right into the fire. Right into the fire. And it shouldn't be funny.(...) It really shouldn't.(...) But this is the epitome of a holiday at your family's house. To say that my nerves were shot at the end of it because the dogs were barking and everybody's hollering. The kids were really, really old and tiny. You know, yeah, they're running around trying to keep them contained. We got fires and we got people rolling into fires and we've got to cook and clean.

 

(...)

 

We were exhausted before it was all said and done. It was a mess.(...) So, but I will say your family's pretty normal around the holidays. It's pretty, I guess normal subjective. But there's not usually anything unexpected like that that happens. Yeah, we don't have any crazy explosions or anything. We're just passive aggressive. We just hold it all in and make little comments as we walk through the house.

 

(...)

 

It's very healthy.(...) And then I get aggressive aggressive. We just repeat the cycle. It's a whole thing. Merry Christmas. I've got you some aggression.

 

(...)

 

This year I'm giving everyone my opinion. You're welcome.

 

(...)

 

So, I want to know, we want to know what are some weird family traditions that happen around your family or weird stories that have happened. Keep it appropriate, but send them to us on Facebook. You know, here's something fun that you could do. Record a video and send to us. We might be able to feature it on the podcast.(...) So speaking of holidays,(...) I want to talk about something and I want to clear the air right here on Love Lessons.

 

(...)

 

I can tell by the change in your body language and in your tone of voice that I'm not going to like this very much. I just need to know why you're not normal.

 

(...)

 

What did I do this time?

 

(...)

 

You know, the more that you say these things to me, the more that I understand why people think that you give me a hard time all the time.

 

(...)

 

No.(...) It's because something is wrong with you. The more people are just about it knowing that I want to like cut you.

 

(...)

 

What did I do?

 

(...)

 

You and your family.

 

(...)

 

You want to eat, actually now that I'm saying this out loud, I think my family does it too, but I still don't like it.

 

(...)

 

Hello, one, two. Oh no, I have no part in this.

 

(...)

 

Why do you want to eat Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at two or three in the afternoon? What is wrong with you?

 

(...)

 

How long it takes to get it done?

 

(...)

 

Dinner or lunch is not at 3 p.m.

 

(...)

 

Why can't you eat at five or six?

 

(...)

 

It's too late. Why is it too late? Because you haven't eaten anything all day long. Why have you not eaten anything? Because you're saving up for the big meal. You can have leftovers later.(...) It has nothing to do with leftovers. You have to have room in your belly. Exactly. You might not be able to eat it all right now. You can have more later. No, because you've been saving up all year for Thanksgiving. How often do you have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner throughout the year? The turkey and the ham and the roast beef. It doesn't matter whatever I do. We eat it at three o'clock in the afternoon like a bunch of savages.

 

(...)

 

Is this a hill that you're going to die? Yes.(...) Eat lunch like a normal person. Even if you want to eat lunch like a ... You can't have it done by lunchtime. Not unless you start cooking the day before.(...) You don't eat a normal lunch. Eat a sandwich. Eat something. I'm getting a little hangry right now. Just thinking that. You cannot eat on the day of Thanksgiving if it's not Thanksgiving. Unless you're snacking off and you're cooking. Here, I've made you sausage while I'm cooking. No, you could ... It's fine if you want to eat lunch at like 11 o'clock. One does not simply eat lunch today of Thanksgiving or Christmas.(...) Unless it's Christmas breakfast and that's acceptable.(...) Unless Santa drops you off a little. Here we are. Here we are. As long as it's okay with Blaire, we can do it.

 

(...)

 

I just think that it is ridiculous that you can't eat lunch at 11 a.m. on the day of Thanksgiving. It doesn't have to be Thanksgiving themed. Because you're not going to be hungry when it's time to eat at two o'clock. No. I have never once had a situation where I haven't been ready to eat something.

 

(...)

 

Okay. Now, maybe if you're like, "Fettness is my passion," and you weigh like 110 pounds soaking wet. They still like to eat too.(...) Okay. Well, what about those people that go around and they're like, "I just eat like a bird. I never want anything to ... " No, shut up, Aunt Ida.

 

(...)

 

Anyway, no. Eat Thanksgiving and Christmas at a normal time.

 

(...)

 

We did this this year. What time do we eat Thanksgiving dinner?

 

(...)

 

One o'clock.

 

(...)

 

That was the latest that was acceptable to call it a lunch.(...) That's fine. It worked out very well. We're still here a lot to tell the tale.(...) We got to have it again for dinner. I love Thanksgiving leftovers. Let's roll.

 

(...)

 

We do eat the crap out of some leftovers for Thanksgiving and Christmas to the point that we're sick of it by the time that ... That's why we only do it twice a year.(...) I feel like day four, I'm like, "All right, babe. I love you, but if I see another deviled egg, I'm going to lose my crap." Can you imagine those families who have four or five Thanksgiving's that they have to go through throughout the weekend? Yeah. I would be like, "Can we just do a breakfast, guys? Can we just have a Thanksgiving breakfast?" Can we just FaceTime and be titled "Fist?" Can we see everything?

 

(...)

 

I'll eat my Cap Crunch while you eat your Cheerios. See you at Christmas. Right. I'm freaking ... She doesn't know how to use FaceTime. No, she doesn't. She's still using a flip phone from Jitterbug or something.

 

(...)

 

That's the thing. Does she also have a life alert button around her neck? Absolutely, she does.

 

(...)

 

She's going to be naked if she runs her mouth one more time at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. She's lucky she manned out this year. I've made up this entire person in my head and I've convinced she is the worst person ever. Oh my goodness. It's like Hitler in spot number one and I'm in number two. Dang.

 

(...)

 

Oh gosh. That's pretty good.

 

(...)

 

I had a horrifying realization.

 

(...)

 

What is it? I don't know that we actually love each other.

 

(...)

 

What?

 

(...)

 

A few weeks ago on the show, we asked people what they call their spouse and their phone, what their spouse has listed as a contact. Yes. As a contact. I'm still learning English. Anyway,(...) this all started if you go back and listen to ... I think it was our previous episode where Haven, our daughter, because she was being nosy and watching when I was texting you was offended because you were saying my phone is Blaire because that's your name. It's my government name. Right. It just seems that that's common sense. Right.

 

(...)

 

Then I posted and I shared this on the Love Lessons Facebook page. I got a poll.

 

(...)

 

Everyone's offended.

 

(...)

 

They don't just call their spouse their name and their phone. They have their cute little pet names or they have emojis.

 

(...)

 

To me, this seems utterly ridiculous, but when I say that we're in the minority, out of all the comments that we got, one other person had their spouse listed as their name and their phone.

 

(...)

 

Let me share some examples here.

 

(...)

 

Kim Fogel says that she calls her husband David, "The Hubs."

 

(...)

 

Let's see. Nick Evans says, "Best wife ever." Stop sucking up, Nick.

 

(...)

 

Bambi says that her husband Jeremy is listed as babe with two hearts on the end, which seems very sweet.(...) Jeremy owns his own business. She had to share Jeremy's contact info with a customer one time and she said, "I accidentally sent his contact to a customer as babe." He was very confused and Bambi had to explain that. If he had just been in there as Jeremy, it would have made sense.

 

(...)

 

Our friends, Brandi and Charlie, who Brandi thinks that we're headed for divorce at this point because of how we have each other listed,(...) she has her husband Charlie listed as my sweet husband. I've never called Charlie my sweet husband, so I don't get that.

 

(...)

 

Some people just have husband with hearts. Yeah, Hubby and Sami and Heidi,(...) Amy, several people were just like, "My husband, my honey," and stuff like that.

 

(...)

 

One of my favorites is our friend Karen Eaton, who is as practical as we are. I love that about her.(...) She has hers and her husband Dan in her phone as my baby Dan.

 

(...)

 

Not because she's trying to be sweet, but because she said when she is in her vehicle and she's trying to call him via Bluetooth and she says, "Call Dan," it always calls one of the Davids in her phone.(...) She had to go with my baby Dan. She had to hack it.

 

(...)

 

But I do have one personal favorite.

 

(...)

 

I'm not even sure I want to ask any follow-up questions.

 

(...)

 

Our friend, Shana Moore,(...) has her husband James listed as gangsta. Gangsta, not even gangster, gangsta.

 

(...)

 

Which is funny because if you know James, he's one of the most quiet, with a mouth and a people.

 

(...)

 

I don't know that he's super gangsta. I mean, I think he's cool.

 

(...)

 

I think I'm going to start calling you gangsta in my phone.

 

(...)

 

It was actually Giselle as the only person on this, ahead of everybody who commented who's normal.(...) I'm going to use his first name. Actually, I think she has first name and last name. We're not that far. We're not that formal. Yeah. But now, that being said,(...) if you ever are in conversation with me and you call me Zakk to my face, I will commit a felony.(...) Yeah, because that's not your name. Right. Like I am baby, you're honey, you're sweet pea, you're love of my life, moonie my stars, one of those.

 

(...)

 

But in your phone,(...) Zakk is totally appropriate. Yeah, if I'm at the house and I'm calling for you across the house, it's not, "Hey, Zakk, come here." It's "Babe." Babe! Unless it's been like four times and I haven't heard you, at which point then you're going to start using my real name. Yeah. And that's acceptable. Yes. But if I'm just in conversation, I'm like, "Hey, Blaire, what do you think about this?" No. No, do not do that to me. How dare you say that to me. You're going to set me on fire. Yeah. Or throw a chainsaw at you. Exactly.

 

(...)

 

So, I don't know what this means now. I don't know if we need to add some emojis or what. I think I'm probably out of heart, I guess. Gross.(...) What about them double heart, pink double heart things? That might not be a thing.(...) But you're not Zakk Hart. You're Zakk. Gannan. That's my last name. I'm not going to put that in there. No, that's not going to be weird. No, because I'm just Zakk. What if I did Karen and said, "My baby Zakk." Please don't do that. I think it's weird. Okay.(...) It's just, we're very affectionate people. We're very affectionate people. It's not like we're very formal with each other. No. Like, we don't shake hands good night.

 

(...)

 

It's just a wonderful day with you. It's been very pleasant. Thank you very much. But, it just feels weird.(...) Can I have a confession time? Okay.

 

(...)

 

I always secretly judge those people who had pet names and emojis for their spouse, like ill. Yeah. And now I think I might have to turn into one of them. Oh, they're judging us. I think pressured. Yeah. And the peers very easily. Peer pressures. Oh yeah.(...) I'll jump right in. So now I feel like I have to conform. Okay. I guess I can do like the heart eyes or something.(...) Every time I text you, I'm going to see that. And your friends are going to see that. I think it's more acceptable for guys to not have that in their phone than it is for girls to have.

 

(...)

 

So, our friend Roger, who doesn't listen to the podcast, so what kind of friend does he?(...) He literally made fun of the show and didn't even know what it was called the other day. And I was like, "Thank you for your ongoing support."

 

(...)

 

He has his wife Brittany in his phone as little mama, and I think he's in her phone as Big Daddy. I may have mentioned this last week. So we could go that route.

 

(...)

 

Yeah, that's funny. You ever call me Big Daddy to my face? I'm going to throw up.

 

(...)

 

It's weird. I can't use the same names they're using, but... Right.

 

(...)

 

What about Love of My Life and Moon of My Stars? What if we... It's too long. You could be... You're going to have to... Like it's going to show up on your phone. What was that?(...) Is that like a fade out?

 

(...)

 

He's my mama. Just skip all of that. My mama. My mama mama.

 

(...)

 

Your slama mama.

 

(...)

 

Feel like a custom ringtone for me. That's a shaggy reference for all of you children. For all of the people out there born after 2001.

 

(...)

 

I don't know what's cringe, as the kids call it. But if you have all of that stuff, you're going to have to... The phone's going to have to ring eight times for it to all scroll across the screen so that you can see, like, is this my honey? My moon and my stars? My sunshine?

 

(...)

 

What is it today? I've got it. Okay. I'm going to put you in there's Pizza Hut.

 

(...)

 

You want to explain that for our friends who are nice and don't understand about the humor in that? It's kind of like when you're... There's like a meme on Facebook where the boy picks up... a guy picks up his girlfriend's phone and he's like, "Babe, why is Pizza Hut saying goodnight? I love you." Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to put you there's Pizza Hut. You could put me in there's Pizza Hut.

 

(...)

 

That would be funny. You could put me in there's Domino's. I can accept... Ooh, no. Papa John's. Papa John's. Okay, whatever. Don't be gross.

 

(...)

 

What's wrong with you? Okay. So we have to make some changes in our life.(...) I'm sorry I don't love you enough to have emojis.

 

(...)

 

It's heartbreaking.

 

(...)

 

But somehow when you get through it, I'm going to process through these emotions.

 

(...)

 

I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, if you figure it out, let me know. I'm not heartbroken. Honestly, you're probably just going to continue being Blaire and I'm going to continue judging people.(...) Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Are you getting into the pressure? We have to both do it because if I do it, you don't. I can't do it. Then I'm going to feel like I love you more and I can't be in a relationship where I feel like we're lopsided.

 

(...)

 

Can't do it. Here's the deal. What if I put a Christmas tree beside you because you bring me joy and so does Christmas.

 

(...)

 

Which is why I would put pizza besides your name. You could do a pizza emoji like a little pizza slice. This is my wife, Pizza Blaire.

 

(...)

 

I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.

 

(...)

 

Okay.

 

(...)

 

Well, this is probably an area where we're going to have to take some time and process before we move into it. If you're in a relationship where this is the worst thing going on in your marriage, I think you're doing okay.(...) This is a hard question.

 

(...)

 

It's really important and so the person who shared it is going to remain anonymous, but

 

(...)

 

we appreciate their bravery and willing to even send the message.

 

(...)

 

It says, "I recently ended an affair and my wife doesn't know yet.

 

(...)

 

I'm struggling with how to confess this to her. How should I go about this?"

 

(...)

 

From professional experience and lived experience,(...) I can tell you the longer that you keep it in, the more trouble it's going to cause. Yes. Like an infection. Yes.

 

(...)

 

The worst. If you do not deal with the infection, it will get worse. It will take over.

 

(...)

 

So scripture tells us that everything done in darkness will come to light. And I can assure you, just from a place of looking to heal the relationship, coming clean about it and you expressing it's going to be a whole lot better than the other person finding out.

 

(...)

 

Yes. And nine times out of ten, the other person will always find out. And that doesn't mean that God cannot redeem it if the other person finds out. That does not mean that at all. It just means that if you come clean about it, you're already skipping the step of repentance, of appearing to have to be repentant.

 

(...)

 

If that makes sense. So if you come clean about it, you're saying, "Hey, here's what I've done and I want to do something different." You're being repentant of your own choice and not because it seems like you're trying to do it. Yes. Thank you. Yes. I was having a moment there. I was like, "Is she telling us we don't have to be repentant now?" No, no, no, no, no. What is happening?(...) No. You're doing so of your own choice and it's in good faith as opposed to sometimes the spouse can say, "Are they really repentant or are they just saying it because they want me to not be upset with them?" They got caught. They got caught versus they, you know, so it just makes it a little easier. But it doesn't mean that you still can't heal from that. Yeah. There are people out there and even therapists out there who have encouraged people to not come clean to your spouse. That is the worst thing that you can do. That's a crock. Yes.

 

(...)

 

Unbiblical. Mm-hmm. Even when we talk about conflict with another person, it never says, "Don't worry about it." No, it says, "Go to that person." And so, yeah, unbiblical.

 

(...)

 

You're going to confess this to your wife and it is everything's going to blow up. Just be prepared for it. Your marriage will never be the same.

 

(...)

 

But what I can tell you is that your marriage has the opportunity to be better.

 

(...)

 

Just because it's not going to be the same doesn't mean it's going to be for the worse. Right. Now, many times we experience the worst before we get to the better. Oh, yeah. And that's what's going to happen when you confess this. I mean, I don't want to paint a picture of rainbows and butterflies here, but you're going to go through a season where she's not going to trust a word you say. She's going to want to see your phone every 10 minutes. She might want to install an app where she tracks you to figure out where you're going. She is going to question every conversation that you've had for the last how many every years and wanting to know if you were being truthful. She is going to want to know why you like those girls pictures on Facebook or Instagram.(...) She's going to accuse you of looking at other people, even if you're not looking at, she's going to do all these things. And guess what?(...) You'll let her.

 

(...)

 

That's why she pay. Yes, you lose all right to privacy. And this is something that I have debated with other clinicians before. In my opinion, you lose all right to privacy.

 

(...)

 

You have caused very sincere harm to the relationship and now you have to do some work. And what I really encourage folks to keep in mind is that you may have ended this relationship with this other person that you've been having enough air with. It was just a one night stand or whatever it is, but you have you've moved on from it. But just because it's in your past does not mean that it's not in your spouse's future or in your spouse's present rather. Yes, it was in your past, but it's in their present. They're having to work through it and that's going to take some time. So you may feel like, you know, I've moved on from this and I've, you know, I feel good and I'm not going to do it again, but they're living in that every day. And so it's, it's a trail trauma is a real thing. Yes, yes. It's going to, it's going to cause a lot of hurt and your wife is going to say some things that are really hurtful to you, probably out of anger unless she's, you know, a saint.

 

(...)

 

And it's going to take some time. And so one of the things that I've been asked, and I'm sure you've probably been asked too, is like, okay, how long is this supposed to take? It's different for everybody. It is. But you have to rebuild trust and you only rebuild trust by being trustworthy. Correct.

 

(...)

 

That's twofold. So the person who has been untrustworthy has to start becoming trustworthy and building trust, the responsibilities on them to start that process.(...) And over time, as the person who has been offended against the offense happened to seize their spouse being trustworthy and building that, then they should slowly start trusting again.

 

(...)

 

It doesn't happen overnight. Again, it's different for every couple, but slowly as they see, okay, this person is not the same person they were, they're making different choices. They are doing things that deem are trustworthy. They're meeting the needs that I have in the relationship. Our relationship is different than it was. That's when it's like, okay, you're going to have to not hold this over their head forever, process through your own hurt, but forgiveness is key here.

 

(...)

 

And it is attainable, right? Absolutely. I would say, and I would hope you would say the same thing, that I trust you wholeheartedly. Oh yeah, we don't have any issues with phones or where you're going or who you're talking to. Like, this is never even a thought that I have. No. Not a thought. I actually think about it less now than I did before. Yeah. And not that I thought about it before the affairs, because I never thought that that would be a thing that happened. But now, I never ever think about where you're at or, I mean, I usually know, because usually we just are very connected throughout our days. So we don't spend time doing things we don't know about. And it's nice not having to worry, is my phone on me? Is she going to see something? How do you know? Are they going to send a text when they're not supposed to send a text? Right.

 

(...)

 

Now I keep my phone on me all the time because I'll lose it if I don't have it. It's always scary because I have this bad habit of putting it on vibrate and then forgetting where it is.

 

(...)

 

But I mean, there's just there's freedom and saying, I don't know where my phone is. And I don't if you want to go through it. Yeah. Nothing to hide. Right. Maybe you'll find something more exciting than I do. Right. So point is, you have to tell her and you'll tell her soon. So if you, whether you're this person who submitted this question or you're somebody else who's been in a similar situation, if you are holding this in, you need to let it out because there's freedom and there's healing. Again, it's not going to be easy.

 

(...)

 

But you know, when you break an arm,(...) there's there's a lot of hurt and there's a lot of pain, but it can heal and it won't ever look the same. You know, if you get an x-ray of those bones, then I really look the same again. But it doesn't mean that you can't come back. Right. You know, this whole process is kind of like resetting a bone that's set incorrectly. That's the analogy I was looking for. Thank you.(...) Brought the whole background. You did. You did the whole podcast.

 

(...)

 

This thing's staying on because of your single contribution. I'm like, I'm like the electric company. I keep the lights on.

 

(...)

 

So don't forget to submit your dirty laundry questions to us. You can send them to us on our Facebook page or shoot us an email. Hello at lovelessons.fm. And of course, if you want those to be anonymous, we'll keep those anonymous for you.

 

(...)

 

Are you going to say goodbye? Am I supposed to? That's what I just said. I didn't hear you say. You know, I said, and you say, we'll see you next time. I didn't hear you. Lord have mercy to carry this thing by myself.(...) Love lifted me and I had to lift this whole podcast.

 

(...)

 

I want to punch you so bad right now.

 

(...)

 

Three.

 

(...)

 

Is that it?

 

(...)

 

Tearing up the equipment. Can't help.(...) Nobody's having breakfast this morning.

 

(...)

 

Send us an email at hello at lovelessons.fm. And of course, if you want to remain anonymous, just say so. We'll be happy to do that for you. All right, guys. We'll see you later. Take care.

 

(...)

 

Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Love Lessons Podcast. If you're enjoying the show, please feel free to rate, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcasts. That helps others find the show and we greatly appreciate it. Once again, thanks for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.

Zakk Gammon
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