Splitting Bills, Not Sides: Laughing Through Life's Little Tiffs
Have you ever paused to consider what truly defines you, beyond your job title or family role? Our latest podcast episode unpacks the concept of identity through the lens of our identity in Christ, and how it weaves into the fabric of our marriage and daily interactions. We share candidly about the laughs and lessons learned from small grievances in relationships that, if not checked, can snowball into marital discord. From quirky anecdotes about Walmart Moomoos to exploring the profound implications of understanding oneself, we promise a journey that is as enlightening as it is entertaining.
Fashion, thrifting, and the dynamics of love and marriage often make for amusing conversations, but when interlaced with self-awareness, they gain new depth. We delve into the humorous habits that shape our partnerships and how an intimate awareness of our divine purpose can transform our responses to everyday challenges. This episode is peppered with laughter, especially when we tackle a #DirtyLaundry question about a spouse's unorthodox running attire, while also embracing the serious task of navigating grief and the resilience of love.
Expect to finish this episode with a mix of humor and thoughtful reflection on the love's enduring journey. Join us for a conversation that promises to tickle your funny bone and, just maybe, touch your soul.
When it comes to relationships, it's the small things that often lead to the biggest laughs—and the most heated debates. From the temperature of a room to how much to tip the pizza delivery person, these tiny tiffs are a staple of coupledom. In our latest podcast episode, we delve into the art of navigating these comical challenges, offering both insights and anecdotes that are sure to resonate with anyone who's ever found themselves in a similar spat.
Conflict resolution may not sound like a recipe for hilarity, but when you throw in the stubborn quirks of a loved one, it's hard not to chuckle. Our hosts open up about the frustration of repetitive disagreements with their spouses, whether it's over the need for matching outfits or differing tipping philosophies. Through a blend of real talk and faith-based approaches, they suggest that embracing our differences can not only strengthen our relationships but also provide ample material for shared laughter.
But let's talk about tipping, shall we? The episode tackles the cultural expectations around tipping, sparking conversations and laughter over the pressure to leave a generous tip—even when the service leaves much to be desired. It's a social minefield that the hosts navigate with both humor and practicality, sharing personal stories that highlight the awkward dance around service expectations. This discussion isn't just about tipping, though; it's a broader commentary on financial responsibility within relationships, punctuated with candid anecdotes like the time the power got cut off because someone forgot to pay the bill.
Then there's the domestic jungle, a place where even the most mundane tasks can lead to amusing standoffs. We've all been there, arguing over the correct way to operate the thermostat or the best method to shampoo a baby's hair. It's in these light-hearted moments that the episode shines, encouraging listeners to laugh at the silly yet significant challenges that come with sharing a life.
What stands out in this episode is not just the relatable content, but also the underlying message of personal growth and emotional maturity. As the hosts dive into the importance of conflict resolution and managing emotions, they highlight that the road to a harmonious relationship is often paved with patience, understanding, and a good sense of humor. The episode is peppered with practical tips for better communication and anecdotes that remind us to celebrate our differences, even when they manifest in the temperature settings or morning routines.
So whether you're in the middle of a debate over financial follies or just trying to agree on how to split the household chores, this podcast episode is a reminder that it's possible to navigate the comical challenges of coupledom with grace and a smile. Join us as we explore the ups and downs, the serious and the silly, and find balance and joy in the everyday. After all, it's the little tiffs that often make for the biggest laughs and the strongest bonds.
Episode Transcript
NOTE: Episode transcripts are automatically generated.
Zakk
Host
00:01
Does it ever feel like every disagreement with your better half ends up with you just beating your head against the wall, thinking why do we always end up in this place? Maybe it's that you've never learned healthy conflict resolution skills? I know it's a novel idea. We're going to learn those today on Love Lessons.
Announcer
Announcement
00:22
Real life, real talk, real relationships, faith-based tips, tricks and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life. It's the Love Lessons podcast, with your hosts, Christian counselors and marriage experts Dr Zach and Blair Gammon.
Zakk
Host
00:45
I'll tell you something. I keep beating my head up against the wall about. What. Why you will not match me.
Blaire
Host
00:52
Why are we going back to this?
Zakk
Host
00:54
We're back on this.
Blaire
Host
00:55
We cycled all the way back, you sure are.
Zakk
Host
00:58
You sure are. So several weeks ago we talked about how you don't love me.
Blaire
Host
01:03
That's not exactly how it went, but okay, keep going.
Zakk
Host
01:05
This is another installment of why Zach has not loved Lessons. You refuse to wear matching outfits. I so desperately want to be that old couple that wears like the tie-dye shirts right, and you won't do it. However.
Blaire
Host
01:24
I'm not alone, am I?
Zakk
Host
01:27
There is literally not one single person who is on my side about this.
Blaire
Host
01:33
One of our friends did post a picture of matching airbrush shirts from the mountains.
Zakk
Host
01:37
Yes, they went on vacation. Thank you, Devin. Devin is the only person who ever really supports my awesomeness. She's carrying the show. She really is. She really is. I think that she gets major enjoyment out of just continuing this back and forth, and so she does. But I think she also said it's only appropriate on vacation. Is that right? Is that what she said? We've got a picture of her and her husband that we'll show, where they did get matching outfits or matching shirts, but it was just on vacation.
Blaire
Host
02:09
Only appropriate on vacation.
Zakk
Host
02:11
Would you do that on vacation though?
Blaire
Host
02:14
Maybe there would have to be some stipulations.
Zakk
Host
02:18
What are the stipulations?
Blaire
Host
02:18
Like where are we at on vacation? Is it a touristy enough place that other people are doing it, or are we going to be looked at? I'm worried about the opinions of other people. I will gladly say it.
Zakk
Host
02:27
Yeah, so I think there's a difference in doing it in like Gatlinburg versus like Hilton Head. Hilton Head feels like a more classy establishment. That's middle-class fancy.
Blaire
Host
02:36
Middle-class fancy. There you go.
Zakk
Host
02:39
I mean, I don't think that we should be doing it while we're sunning on the beach outside of our vacation home in the Hamptons. Yeah, I think that I also don't know what it's like to be a level of wealth where we have a vacation home in the Hamptons.
Blaire
Host
02:54
Is that in New York State?
Zakk
Host
02:56
Yeah, right, but yeah, everyone, aside from Devin, by the way. Thank you, devin, for you know supporting us.
Blaire
Host
03:05
Just move on to the important part. Everyone agrees with me it's cringy. It's cringe, as the kids say.
Zakk
Host
03:11
I don't care, just let me live my life. Why are you so ashamed of?
Blaire
Host
03:15
me, let me live my life. You wear something and you're allowed to do that. I don't have to match you.
Zakk
Host
03:21
But I need you to no.
Blaire
Host
03:23
There is this feeling to the side of me? No, that's a deep-seated one.
Zakk
Host
03:26
There is this feeling you need water.
Blaire
Host
03:30
You want me to match you. It's a difference. You need shelter.
Zakk
Host
03:35
I need a 72-hour hold and a Thor's Angel. That's what I need right now, I think I just. Why are you so ashamed of?
Blaire
Host
03:47
me. I'm not ashamed to be married Show a shame. I just don't want to match you. Can I not have some individuality?
Zakk
Host
03:55
No, To become one flesh Blair.
Blaire
Host
03:58
But we're not going to wear one big t-shirt together.
Zakk
Host
04:01
Sam.
Blaire
Host
04:01
No, we are not. Imagine trying to get anything done with both of us in one shirt.
Zakk
Host
04:08
Don't go there. We could get a 10x shirt, t-shirt and wear it and do love lessons in that one shirt.
Blaire
Host
04:18
We would look like conjoined twins.
Zakk
Host
04:20
We would tie one of our hands to our side and we could just like both. So it'd be like reverse, like potato sack races when you were a kid.
Blaire
Host
04:29
How did we get here? I don't know, Can we get out of this?
Zakk
Host
04:33
No, it's too late, we're already in it.
Blaire
Host
04:34
We're stuck in the shirt.
Zakk
Host
04:35
Yeah, this is.
Blaire
Host
04:37
We're stuck in the shared shirt at this point.
Zakk
Host
04:39
Love lessons is a really bad shared outfit today. That's it. I don't know I can tell you folks, sorry, sorry, you're here.
Blaire
Host
04:47
But welcome.
Zakk
Host
04:49
But welcome to love lessons. Here we are.
Blaire
Host
04:53
Do you want to know something that recently occurred?
Zakk
Host
04:58
I would love to know something that recently occurred.
Blaire
Host
05:00
That what's happening to you? Sorry to make you wait. I am curious how other people handle it.
Zakk
Host
05:06
Okay, Are you putting? Are you putting shame on my name right now?
Blaire
Host
05:13
No, not, not shame, but I do have questions. Okay, so I have lessons. Let's let's talk about, like going out to eat or having something delivered and tipping, because I'm curious how other couples handle this If they're on the same page with like how much and what to tip, like what percentage, and like when it's appropriate versus not.
Zakk
Host
05:33
Well, I mean, tipping fatigue is a thing like everybody wants a tip. Now it, yes, somebody shared on Facebook and I had seen it a couple of times and I thought it was a joke, but this I'm pretty sure was serious. Somebody had shared that their landlord sent out an email. I guess whoever they rent from, they can pay online for their. I guess it's what the people do. Now to I don't know. I don't know how many of those works. I just know the house payment gets automatically drafted before we're making out. I don't have a tip, but anyway, the point is is that when they went online to or they got an email about hanging online, there was a place for them to leave a tip for their landlord. That's crazy and I'm like here's a tip, fix the leak.
Blaire
Host
06:13
Right yeah. Change out the air filters Right yeah. Thank you Every three months.
Zakk
Host
06:22
I wish I had a landlord come change our air filters.
Blaire
Host
06:24
See, that's the it's supposed to be the benefit of renting. Yeah, Somebody handles that I know.
Announcer
Announcement
06:30
I need a property I don't have anybody that handles that.
Zakk
Host
06:32
I need a property. Anyway, I'm sorry.
Blaire
Host
06:36
Everybody wants. We went into Hardee's the other day and ordered at the counter where we were going to have to pick our own food up, eat and bus our own table.
Zakk
Host
06:44
And had the worst service that I have had in a long time.
Blaire
Host
06:47
anyway, and they still said do you want to leave a tip?
Zakk
Host
06:50
Yeah, here's a tip here's a tip, I find we're staying at her.
Blaire
Host
06:56
So the situation that came to mind.
Zakk
Host
07:00
Wait, it's really ironic that I'm making all of these statements, because I'm the issue with tips in our relationship.
Blaire
Host
07:06
Exactly that's what I want to get at here's. Here's what came to mind. We ordered pizza one night and the lady delivers it and you come back from picking it up from the front door into the kitchen and you're like, oh, she was nice, she thanked me for her tip and I was like was really thankful for her tip yeah.
07:26
And I said well, how much did you tip her? And you said I don't know Whatever. The app told me to like 18%. And I said is that thing like $12? You tip the pizza delivery people $12. No wonder she was so thankful for this tip.
Zakk
Host
07:44
God wants us to be generous.
Blaire
Host
07:46
Don't Jesus shoot me right now. Yes, he does, but he also wants us to be smart with our money. Right, and you're like 18% sounds good for pizza delivery. Listen like these people are paid a minimum wage or whatever their wage is, and tips are on top of it. It's not like their waitresses, where they make like two bucks an hour and they live off their tips.
08:07
Listen and like one time $12 is cool, but like if you're throwing out 18 or 20% every time we get like something delivered or we go somewhere that they don't actually like, bus our tables and bring us like drinks, so then we're going to have to cut back on our eating out.
Zakk
Host
08:27
There's just a lot of pressure on me because not only now are they asking for tips, but they give suggested tip amounts.
Blaire
Host
08:36
They do, and is that how it happened? Did they suggest to you what you should have done?
Zakk
Host
08:41
Yes, it said my three options or there were four options. There was like 18%, 20% and 25% and then other. And I can't do tipping math, like we've talked about before. I can't do toilet paper math, girl, math is just obnoxious, like I don't do math. Okay, I took AP statistics in high school so that in college I would never have to take a math class.
09:01
So you went with the lowest thing just about killed me, and I went with the lowest thing because that was the option that was presented to me and so doing other and like making because you can't do math.
Blaire
Host
09:12
So that's how people need to get one over on you. Here's the deal.
Zakk
Host
09:15
Yeah, we accept tips on love lessons. Just go to love lessonsfm slash die.
Blaire
Host
09:19
You're going to send a tip in, all right.
Zakk
Host
09:21
You can give us tips on how poorly we're doing at hello, at love lessons. We just live in the society where it just bombards you, and I don't do math.
Blaire
Host
09:35
It pressured you into it. Yes, it like tip, pressured you into doing it.
Zakk
Host
09:39
We were in line at Starbucks, maybe recently, and they and I'll I do give some kind of small tip at Starbucks because, like there is an art to you know, being a barista at Starbucks and I'm not smart enough.
Blaire
Host
09:55
But are you giving 20% 18%?
Zakk
Host
09:57
no, I'll just give like three or four dollars. What, oh baby? If we're both ordering, I'll give three or four dollars.
Blaire
Host
10:05
If we're both ordering three or four dollars it's still 18 to 20 percent. Are you kidding me? Right now I've got to take away your card.
Zakk
Host
10:16
Okay, if they're staring at me or if it's just suggested in the app, I just panic and I just push whatever feels right.
Blaire
Host
10:26
Please stop doing that. I don't know, babe. I don't know why I spent $500. She was looking at me and she suggested it, and so I did it.
Zakk
Host
10:33
But so what's funny is, though, that there are times that I get really irritated at the tip expectation, because, you know, people used to have like little tip jars, and it would say, tips are never expected but always appreciated, and now they like swing the tablet around. Actually, they just stare at you and I'm like, oh, it's an expectation.
Blaire
Host
10:51
I have not had many situations where they stare at you. Oh, I have you feel like they're just looking at you though.
Zakk
Host
10:57
No, I have had, and in those situations that's where I get really irritated and I refuse to tip.
Blaire
Host
11:02
So if they are like forcing you to do it, then you're going to rebel against that.
Zakk
Host
11:05
Don't tell me that I'm going to tip.
Blaire
Host
11:07
But if they're trying to pressure, even medium pressure you into it, then you can be. Can I go back to the rule like oh no, it's Starbucks, I don't do much, and then you just literally spit it out that you do like 18 to 20 percent at Starbucks.
Zakk
Host
11:20
No, we're not going to go back there. Here's what I want to know.
Blaire
Host
11:22
I'm taking away your app access.
Zakk
Host
11:24
Here's what I want to know.
Blaire
Host
11:25
Today.
Zakk
Host
11:27
Here's what I can sell on the online spot. I think you can do it through the website. Where there's a will, there's a way. What I want to know is when did the standard for tipping go from 15 to 20 percent? I feel like that's been in our adult lives.
Blaire
Host
11:43
Yeah.
Zakk
Host
11:44
But I don't remember when. But here's what I want to know Tipping Back in my day, tipping used to be something that you gave based upon the level of service that you received and the quality of service that you received right. So why is it that when we go to a restaurant and we receive bad service I'm not talking about like mediocre service, I'm talking about really poor service that your standard still starts at 20 percent for for the server, like we have been the situations where the server has been like not just inattentive, but like straight up rude, like annoyed that we place an order and we were millennials. So we're not trying to rock the boat here, we're not. We're not Karens, we're not asking for a lot and the service can still be really bad and you're like no, you can't tip 15 percent, you got to tip. Why is it that you have the standard at restaurants but I can't give the barista $4.
Blaire
Host
12:45
Well, the difference is their hourly rate. If they're a waiter or waitress or server at a restaurant, they're making two dollars and 13 cents an hour, or whatever it is. They're not making a livable wage which we could debate, a local wage, which is not what we're here to do. But the barista, are you having an existential crisis, right? Now.
13:07
Do you smell toast? No, but, the barista or any of those places that are asking for tips these days that deliver, deliver. Most of them are making above minimum wage and so in my mind, your make, your company is already paying you a certain wage that they and you, because you accepted that employment contract. Right here I go in my HR brain that you agree to make and so anything above and beyond is great, but it's not necessarily base wage that you should be basing your financial, you know whatever.
Zakk
Host
13:40
I disagree with any of them.
Blaire
Host
13:42
So to me, logically, I go OK, you already have this employment agreement. Tips are above and beyond. They're always appreciated, never expected. But with servers, I believe that it is like that is we are helping them make a livable wage.
Zakk
Host
13:56
With the understanding, as part of their employment agreement, that good service is expected. Go read any job description for any server and it is going to tell you that friendly service is expected, that you are to be helpful, that you're to be all of these things, and if you are rude and hateful, then you have not met the expectation to receive like to disagree with that, and if that's something extreme like that that I'm going to, we're going to leave less than 20 percent.
Blaire
Host
14:25
There have been times that I've done it. It's going to have to be pretty extreme, though, for me to do that.
Zakk
Host
14:29
I don't know there's ever been a time that you've ever left anything less than 20.
Blaire
Host
14:34
I can think of several times that I've left 15 percent.
Zakk
Host
14:37
Now I will say this I will never not tip a server unless, like they just came out and threw food at me, like literally through it, I would never not tip. I don't know.
Blaire
Host
14:45
Here's. Here's what I think. I know a lot of this is generational too.
Zakk
Host
14:48
This is true. I have older family members who will leave a two dollar tip on like a 60 dollar bill or leave the rest of your change, or leave nothing at all. Irritates the heck out.
14:58
Yeah, so then you're throwing extra cash on the table as that we walk away and make it for me, irritates me that the older generation does listen. Boomers, if you're listening and you're getting all you know your knickers on a twist here. You all have been complaining about millennials and Gen Z for the last 15 years, so get over it. 20 years. I don't know why the rent was free. I really don't like when boomers make it a point, as they're leaving, to go like hunt down the server when they're in the middle of waiting on another table and hand them the money, like they're doing them some kind of personal favor and like bestowing great riches on them when all you did was hand them a five dollar bill.
Blaire
Host
15:39
I want to know why they do that. Is it? Are they worried like it's going to get taken off the table by, like another customer or maybe the best person's going to take it Like? I wonder if they're worried it's not going to get to that person?
Zakk
Host
15:50
Here's my assumption they want to hear the server say thank you so much. I think it's an ego thing I could be full of it.
Blaire
Host
16:04
I mean, we know that's true, but maybe not in this situation.
Zakk
Host
16:10
I just want to know why my generosity is such a problem because we're going to be living in a cardboard box. Because you were so generous, because you were I have never known anyone to go for from being too generous.
Blaire
Host
16:28
Okay, is it that you're being generous because they need to have it, or you feel pressure that's expected of you and you don't know what to do, and so then you're unwise. We got. We got to classify it Like it's one thing to be intentionally generous. It is another thing to be unintentionally or irresponsible in your decisions regarding finances.
Zakk
Host
16:54
Here's my problem. One of them, one of the many. I am just so bad at math. I am so bad at math.
Blaire
Host
17:04
They have calculators for that, I know and I do that.
Zakk
Host
17:07
I will calculate that. I usually have hands you the receipt and I'm like, please do this, because you can do it Most of the time.
Blaire
Host
17:11
they tell you what it's going to be.
Zakk
Host
17:13
Sometimes, but sometimes they don't. And even if they do tell you how much it's going to be, it doesn't always have what the total will be after you add the. Which is why you carry calculator around in your pocket months at the time, but you can often calculate the tip and the total and sign the receipt by the time that I like even pulled my calculator or my phone was calculating. I don't carry an actual calculator in my pocket. Anyway, clean your calculator. Clean your calculator, but it's just too much. It's too much pressure.
Blaire
Host
17:43
Then you should not go buy these things. If you can't deal with the responsibility of being smart, I think I'm going to move to like England or Australia where, or take things as something. Here's an idea At the end of your sermons, pastor.
Announcer
Announcement
17:59
She asked her to. She asked her to. She asked her to.
Blaire
Host
18:01
She asked her to, she asked her to, she asked her to, she asked her to. So she said she's going to try and get. You see if tipping culture takes over the church.
Zakk
Host
18:10
That feels Irregular it does you know?
Blaire
Host
18:13
you'll just tie 10% of it back to the Lord and it'll be okay. Check that box.
Zakk
Host
18:17
God loves a cheerful giver, not a doodle food giver. I would love.
Blaire
Host
18:22
Exactly, and you were dutifully giving because you were pressured.
Zakk
Host
18:27
I would love to be one of those people that like reaches a level of wealth where I could totally give somebody like a thousand dollar tip at a restaurant. Like not to like, like I wouldn't want to like even like, make them feel awkward about it. You got to leave it on a receipt or something, just go yeah. It just go Like I would love to be that person. I think that's so cool. People do that. Yeah.
18:44
So, but alas, I'll never reach that level of wealth because I'm paying 18 to 20% in tips every time that I go to Starbucks.
Blaire
Host
18:54
I cannot believe you're giving three or four dollars.
Zakk
Host
18:58
It just feels right.
Blaire
Host
19:00
Feelings are not fact. Feelings are not fact. What do we talk about to people in therapy all the time? Just because you feel that way does not mean that that's reality. I just feel like I don't care what you feel like.
Zakk
Host
19:14
My baby count, does not care what you feel like Clearly here's what I want to know.
Blaire
Host
19:20
You know what? Have we ever been-. I will never wear matching clothes with you as long as you do this.
Zakk
Host
19:24
I can change it and you would never wear matching clothes. I would consider it closer if you yeah, okay, okay, have we ever have our lights ever been shut off in the-? Okay, not early on because I was mad with money, but in the? Last, you know since I've been an mindful adult, have our lights ever been shut off, except for that one time I forgot to pay the bill, like two years ago. I think you just need to mix this completely.
Blaire
Host
19:48
Mix it completely, mix it completely.
Zakk
Host
19:51
Love life is a little we'll appreciate this. So early on in our relationship I was awful with money, right Like overdraft your bank account. You literally did have to take my debit card away and it took me a long time to-.
Blaire
Host
20:01
I sure did.
Zakk
Host
20:02
I'm spending responsibility back and then over the years because you hate managing the finances after I have proved myself capable of actually managing the finances. You know, I have not only gained debit card back, but I don't even know that you could log into our bank account right now if you tried, it's not completely true.
Blaire
Host
20:20
Anyway, go ahead.
Zakk
Host
20:21
I think you could figure it out if you had to, if I died. But the point is is that I manage the finances now, so I pay the bills and whatnot, and-.
Blaire
Host
20:29
And Zach has ADHD.
Zakk
Host
20:30
I do.
Blaire
Host
20:32
And Zach forgets what he's doing. He does. He spends in a circle a lot of times where he was like, oh no, he's going to do this, and he just walk in and you're like, oh wow, like-.
Zakk
Host
20:40
You're just pausing stuff up again.
Blaire
Host
20:42
The mainframe has glitched. What are we doing?
Zakk
Host
20:46
So I think it's been like two years now has a year and a half, something like that. Yeah, I was getting ready for work one morning, I think I'm like in the shower and all of a sudden the lights go out and I'm like, well, that's weird. I guess there's power outage.
Blaire
Host
21:05
There was. There was At our house, at our specific address.
Zakk
Host
21:08
So I pull up our power company's outage mat and there are no outages reported. I'm like what's going on? And so I go like flipping stuff and like what in the world is going on. And so I am like, okay, well, I guess I'm going to call and report an outage. So I called the power company, talked to customer service and the lady is like, okay, I need to report an outage. And the lady was like, okay, what's your address? So I tell her and she said there are no outages in your area, sir. And I said, well, clearly there is, because the lights aren't working. And so she pulls up my account and she said, sir, you've been disconnected for not payment. And I was like what, yep, and I have. I don't know that I have ever.
21:59
I wasn't being mean to this lady, but it was clear that I was getting irritated because she was saying like there's an outage and or there's no outage. And I was like, clearly, there is Never once, considering the fact that I might have something to do with this situation. And so I was. I said I am so sorry. I said what do I need to do to make this work again? It was like a bad breakup. I was begging her not to leave. Come back, delighted, my life is gone, please come back. And so she was very gracious and I paid the bill over the phone and like the $30 reconnection fee, and she said okay, now it'll be a couple hours, you know, before they're able to get back out there. Mind you, I'm still soaking wet, like I still hadn't finished getting ready. Now I have to get ready in the dark.
Blaire
Host
22:48
Was that the stuff in our refrigerator and freezer? That's what I was thinking about.
Zakk
Host
22:51
It was only a couple hours Abbot of the stuff. Did you have to replace anything in the fridge or the freezer?
Blaire
Host
22:58
No, no, but that's where my brain immediately goes. I'm not worried about you getting ready in the dark.
Zakk
Host
23:02
Consequences for actions. Okay, well, that was my concern and they got the lights turned on and I was mortified. Thankfully, shortly after that, they finally got it set up where you can go online into your account and manage like automatic draft from your bank account. So now, like the electric bill and the water, and all that's together, but then the gas is never.
Blaire
Host
23:26
Yeah, we don't have to worry about this anymore.
Zakk
Host
23:27
It's all automated. So now I just get an email receipt that says thanks for your payment.
Blaire
Host
23:33
So when you asked me that question, has you?
Zakk
Host
23:37
had. What was the question? Have we ever. But it had nothing to do with my tipping.
Blaire
Host
23:44
No, but it was still not the best analogy because, yes, yes. And then you know, early on in our relationship, that's what caused me to say I wasn't moving back home, it was our. I went, got home from work and our lights were cut off and we had no money to turn back on and I was like screw this. I'm leaving this town.
Zakk
Host
23:59
I was young.
Blaire
Host
24:00
And I moved back four hours and I said you can come with me or not, and you just decided to come with me. So I was triggered when you texted me and said hair lights got cut off this morning and I was like what are you talking about? I was just forgot to pay the bill.
Zakk
Host
24:14
Actually. And then your second. I don't know it was a question it was, but you said we live on in too nice of a neighborhood for our lights to be getting shut off. What happens if the neighbors find out and I'm like I guess they'll know that I also forgot to pay the bill? Here's what I can say as someone who you know, cause we were like flat broke for you know, a few years early on in our marriage. There is a there's a very different feeling of oh crap, my lights have gotten shut off and I can't afford to pay this bill versus why am I such an idiot? How can I have forgotten to pay this bill and please take my money?
Blaire
Host
24:53
Yeah, yeah, the shame is not as deep.
Zakk
Host
24:57
No, no no.
Blaire
Host
25:02
So do you want to hit me?
Zakk
Host
25:04
I mean that feels extreme.
Blaire
Host
25:06
Hit me with a fun fact. Oh, I can hit you with a fun fact.
Zakk
Host
25:10
So this is, this is a nice, also fun fact.
Blaire
Host
25:14
Okay, it's like a nice, warm, sunny day, in fact, for it's some good news.
Zakk
Host
25:19
Okay, on love lessons. So the risk of divorce for people who are married for at least five years is significantly lower than it is for people who have been married for a shorter amount of time.
Blaire
Host
25:30
Okay, so five years or more.
Zakk
Host
25:32
Yeah, your, your, your, your chances are much higher of of maintaining a successful relationship. So research shows that nearly every person does think about divorce at least once it crosses their mind, maybe not necessarily strongly considering it, but maybe the thought of what did I get myself into? Is this really working or whatnot. But most people, according to this survey, really do want to stay married and work their problems out. So we I think that I mean most people are jaded because you typically you either see somebody's highlight reel on Facebook or you don't hear anything until everything falls apart. Right, yeah, so, and? And then you know it's portrayed.
26:12
I'm not blaming the media for everything, because I hate when people do that. My life's terrible because I see an end. No, your life's terrible because you make poor choices. But the point is that has nothing to do with fun fact. The point is is that we oftentimes only hear about bad news and so we think that divorce is like super prevalent. But really a majority of people do want to make their relationship work, and I think that maybe we're even more jaded because of just the type of work that we do. Sure, because we typically only talk to people when they're in crisis and so.
Blaire
Host
26:40
But A large part of what we do is talking to people in crisis, about recalling the good times. Yes.
26:48
Beginning perspective is so important, Like, can you take a second? We have this tactic where it's all falling apart. But take me back to how you all met, How'd you get engaged? And a lot of times that will help to bring a little bit of levity to the situation, even if it's a tough conversation, because they have shifted their perspective a little bit and they're thinking about happier times. That's not fixing your problems, but it is helping to, you know, emotionally regulate you a little bit and to recall okay, this person's not completely horrible, did make a choice to marry them. We did have some good moments at some point.
Zakk
Host
27:20
Exactly, exactly, and it's you know. I think that oftentimes one of the most beneficial things that a marriage counselor can do is just to simply offer some perspective, right? Like you're in the middle of this, it's so hard for you to see, but take a step back and recognize the big picture here, right?
Blaire
Host
27:39
And your marriage counselor can do that, because they're not in your marriage, they're not emotionally invested in, tied to it like you are, and so having that third party that can give you help, you see, that perspective is important. The challenge is you accepting that perspective. You, you're cheersing that you want to see something different than what you're seeing Exactly. Do you want to know what's amazing to me?
Zakk
Host
28:01
How handsome I am.
Blaire
Host
28:03
No, I mean yes, but no, that's not what I was getting at. Do you want to know what's amazing to me?
Zakk
Host
28:08
How lucky you are to be married to me.
Blaire
Host
28:11
No, I'm trying to set this up so you respond to me. Do you want to know what's amazing to me?
Zakk
Host
28:16
What's amazing to you, blair. Thank you, you're welcome.
Blaire
Host
28:20
What's amazing to me is that when we go to school, we go to a geometry class, an algebra class, and they teach us, you know, the Pythagorean theorem, and Y equals MX plus B.
Zakk
Host
28:30
Say that 10 times faster. No Pythagorean theorem.
Blaire
Host
28:33
And then we go to biology and they teach us that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, great, cool. And then we become an adult and no one ever taught us how to do taxes Apparently. No one ever taught you how to tip appropriately. Fair. And we're also not taught how to resolve conflict in a successful, appropriate way. Yes. We are not taught anything emotionally how to handle. It's just like do the best you can.
Zakk
Host
29:01
Well, and we people our age, and I would say probably those who are 10 to 15 years older than us, and certainly 10 to 15 years younger than us also grew up in households where divorce was incredibly common yeah, and if not divorced, then certainly just parents who are miserable because they also didn't know how to resolve conflict. And so we just grow up repeating these cycles.
Blaire
Host
29:26
Yeah, it's a cycle, it's a generational thing that kind of gets passed down and it evolves a bit over time. But successful conflict resolution really depends on our ability to do several different things. Yeah. And we're not taught those things.
Zakk
Host
29:41
But they're also not incredibly difficult either.
Blaire
Host
29:43
No, you just have to be aware that they exist and that you need. There is action that you need to take to successfully resolve conflict, because when conflict happens, we like we've talked about we usually want to run the other way or we want to ignore it. Some people want to address it, but it's more so. Let's address it so that we no longer have this conflict, not necessarily because they want to address it, they just want to get through it.
Zakk
Host
30:05
Yes, I don't want to feel bad anymore. I don't want you upset with me Right?
Blaire
Host
30:09
So let's sweep it under the rug, let's just let's get over this as quickly as we can. But what if we told you that having the ability to successfully resolve conflict creates emotional maturity in you?
Zakk
Host
30:21
And intimacy.
Blaire
Host
30:22
And intimacy in your relationship. What if we told you having conflict could actually be healthy for your relationship, because you could create an environment where you're using some of these tools and it creates more intimacy? Yeah, but you have to know to use them, because if you don't, then it's going to cause worse issues, right? Yeah, you're going to have to make a lot of emotional re-pairs instead of creating intimacy.
Zakk
Host
30:47
You're going to end up repeating what you know and what you've seen, or what you think is appropriate based on, like what's on television or stories that you've heard. And it never works.
Blaire
Host
31:01
Right, so let's chat, let's dive into these, let's talk about it, let's talk.
Zakk
Host
31:06
So there are four basic. These are very basic. We could talk about this for, you know, weeks.
Blaire
Host
31:11
And we will. We have been talking about conflict resolution. We're going to continue.
Zakk
Host
31:14
But these four tips are meant to be incredibly easy things that you can implement on your own. And before we jump into these, let me say this too We've touched on this before, but it's worth repeating again because people tend to forget pretty easily. One person in the relationship can start doing these things and see some big impacts. Right, this doesn't require a huge change on both spouses. It's great if it is, but if the other person is digging their heels in and they're just not in a place where they can try to help the relationship succeed, there are still things that you can do to make impacts the good impacts, healthy impacts on the relationship.
31:56
Right yeah, that's a good point. So here's point number one Manage stress while remaining alert and calm.
Blaire
Host
32:04
That's good.
Zakk
Host
32:05
Those two things often feel like they don't belong together. Right, Like, here's some stress fullness. Yeah, so be calm. Right, Because oftentimes you know like stress and frustration and irritation means that our hair is on fire. Right, we're running around with a crazy person.
Blaire
Host
32:21
So what you need to understand in this is that you need to know ahead of time that conflict is going to stress you out, and so, if that happens, you need to, when it happens, you need to have a plan in place of how you're going to remain calm while under pressure. So don't be hit blindsided, don't be unexpected, if you will, in this and being caught in this thinking oh my gosh, this conflict, it's stressing me out. I'm so upset, yeah, yeah, you're going to be. So how are we going to handle that when that happens, so that you can make sure that you remain calm, so that you're able to actually accomplish healthy conflict resolution?
Zakk
Host
33:02
Exactly, Exactly. It's so important because when we are calm, everything makes so much more sense, right? When we are upset, when we're angry and when we're frustrated, we can just get irrational right. Yes, this doesn't necessarily mean that you're, you know, throwing a hissy fit. It might, but it's also. It's just difficult to think clearly.
33:23
Yeah, you're irrational thinking your brain yes, you know, we've talked about that before. Our stinking thinking can cause. It can make us believe things that just aren't true, right? And so when we're calm, we have this ability to be able to actually look at the situation somewhat objectively and to be able to look at verbal cues and even nonverbal cues that the other person is saying. So, when we see our spouse start to cross their arms, or that leg starts or foot starts to tap in or whatever the issue is, we know okay, so I've struck a nerve here. What can I do to help diffuse this situation so that we can still keep having this conversation, for example, yeah, so good.
Blaire
Host
34:04
So the next one kind of goes into this controlling your emotions and your behavior. So if you're able to stay calm, you're able to control these. If you're not able to stay calm, then your emotions and your behavior are likely to be erratic or responsive to what the other person is saying, not necessarily to trying to resolve the conflict, and so our emotions and our behavior really need to try to be aligned with resolving that conflict. So how do you do that? I can sit here all day long and say you need to try to control your emotions and behaviors and you can say cool player, if I knew how to do that, then I would have been doing it my entire life.
Zakk
Host
34:45
Right. Thank you for this groundbreaking information.
Blaire
Host
34:47
Thank you for the groundbreaking information, and so the first thing I'll say is that distance or pursuer tool that we've talked about is really key here. The reason that you're doing that is to control your emotions and your behaviors so that you don't get to a point emotionally that you are too unpredictable and you're too elevated to actually resolve conflict. So that's a really great tool to be able to take a break, walk away with assurance that you're going to come back to the table but that you have time to actually get out of that fight or flight mode that your brain gets into, where you can't accomplish anything, and walk away to calm down, to then be able to make logical choices out of that.
Zakk
Host
35:26
Yeah, exactly, and you know how many times over the years have you told people? You are responsible for your own emotions. You have to take responsibility for the way that you feel. No one can make you feel any kind of way.
Blaire
Host
35:40
Yeah, if you're in my office you say he just made me so mad. Depending on the situation I'm in my head, I'm thinking it, but I might not say it, depending on where we're at, what we're trying to accomplish. But I may say no one can make you feel it Now. It might be a situation where it would be valid that most humans would feel upset based off of what's happened, but you are still making an active choice to get angry or to be sad or to be offended or frustrated or whatever emotion you're choosing. You own that emotion. You're still choosing that, maybe for good reason.
Zakk
Host
36:14
Yeah.
Blaire
Host
36:14
But you're still choosing it, and so it's important from an emotional maturity standpoint to recognize that that is your emotion, that you're choosing to have, just like you can choose to not have it.
Zakk
Host
36:25
Yeah, you know, that's the. I think it's important to recognize that we can validate an emotion while recognizing at the same time that we still have to take responsibility for our own emotions Right.
Blaire
Host
36:37
Yes.
Zakk
Host
36:40
If I ask you to, you know, swing by the post office and pick up a package for me and it's really important to me and you forget to do that, I can be upset that you didn't do that and that's a fair emotion to have Sure.
36:55
But you didn't make me upset. I chose to be upset because of the situation that's going on, and both of those things can coexist. At the same time, you know, your spouse can say something really hurtful and demeaning to you, and while I would agree I think it's valid that you feel hurt or angry or whatever the emotion is by that, it doesn't mean that that person made you feel that way, because you are trying to make them responsible for your emotions, and that's just not how it works.
Blaire
Host
37:24
Pro tip here if you are still working on some of these tools with your spouse, don't tell them. Well, you're choosing that emotion. Don't use that as therapy ammunition, because it will not go well. Now maybe you get to a point in your relationship where you're able to say, hey, you know what, I'm sorry for my pardon, but you are choosing to live in that. Okay, you might be able to, but don't come out of that. Be like you know what. You're just choosing to be mad right now, and that's your choice.
Zakk
Host
37:55
Will not go well for you Also, don't say sorry, feel that way.
Blaire
Host
37:58
Yeah, let me invalidate your feelings in one sentence.
Zakk
Host
38:02
Right, but that's something that is something that we have done in the last you know handful of years. We've gotten to a point to where we can not that it's our responsibility. If you make me upset, if I'm upset because of something you've done, you're not. You don't come claiming responsibility. But you'll also say, hey, I'm sorry, you know that that happened and that led you to to where you are. Or I'm sorry that you're upset and that not in a demeaning way, but like hey, I'm sorry you're mad.
Blaire
Host
38:34
I'm sorry for one part. Yeah, because we almost always play a part in it. Yeah.
38:39
Very rarely do we not have any sort of responsibility to it, and so maybe that other person chose the emotion, but we create an environment that allowed them to choose that emotion. So I want to take you through something here. So, when we talk about controlling your emotions and behaviors, it's important that you understand what got you to those emotions and behaviors. And so it's sequential, it's, it's a line. So our thoughts create emotions and from those emotions we take action. We have behaviors, yes, and so for me to tell you you need to control your emotions and behaviors. There are tactics we can give you walking away, taking some breaths, but what you really are trying to do is create space for you to calm down, for you to deescalate in your emotions and behaviors, to get back to rational thinking. Yes.
39:27
Because that's where you need to do self-talk, that's where we need to have a conversation in our brain and go okay, I said this and it made them say that, and they were probably triggered in what they like having that logical conversation, walking through what has happened and trying to get to the root of why it happened. Was it about the fact that they didn't do the dishes or was it about the fact that I felt disrespected after all of the work that I've done all day long, that I came home to a sink full of dishes that I asked that they would do and they did it, and then I, you know, elevated from there and it got. So maybe we go back to the table and say, hey, what I realized is that I feel disrespected. Again, those are our emotions, that we're choosing.
40:10
But what was underneath this? That I felt disrespected and I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like I was invalidated because I have worked hard and I asked for this to get done and it didn't. And maybe that leaves some room for them to say you know what? I didn't get to do it because this other really important thing popped up. That was a bigger deal. And then you're able to actually have a conversation about it, instead of being upset that what you wanted didn't happen because you didn't create any room for understanding what happened in this made up scenario that I have that I know everyone's probably dealt with.
40:41
So we have to get back to rational thinking. But you cannot do that until you were able to control your emotions and your behaviors.
Zakk
Host
40:50
And you know what I see. This is kind of an aside, but I think it's important. What I see a lot of times in couples is that that scenario can come up and the person can even say, hey, this is how I'm feeling because of this, this is what it feels like to me, and the other person still feels the need to defend themselves. You know, I'm sorry. You don't know what kind of day I've had. There is so much freedom when a couple can get to a point where one person can say, hey, here's how I'm feeling and here's why I'm feeling it, and the other person can just say you know what? I'm sorry, it just slipped my mind. It's not because you're not important, it's not because I don't care about all the things that you've done. I just didn't do it today. I'm really sorry.
41:40
There's freedom in that, because the other person can be like you know what, it's all right, like we'll take you in it, you know, because both people are able to have a healthy conversation, Because it's calm, right, because you're, you're not walking in and you don't start slamming stuff, and I guess I've got to do everything around here and everything, and it's there's. There is so much freedom in being able to say, hey, babe, I'm there's no excuse. I just didn't do it today.
Blaire
Host
42:07
Yeah, I just didn't think about it and and that person not responding Listening to respond it. Yeah you're kind of done at that point, you know yeah, another thing too, I think is important.
Zakk
Host
42:19
I think therapists and counselors get a bad rap because the question is you know, how do you feel about that? Or why did right, why did that make you feel? Why did you feel that way? But the reason that get that gets asked so much is because If that becomes our internal thought process, then we begin doing some investigation into why it is that we're behaving this way. If your spouse didn't do the dishes and you come home and you see a sink full of dishes after everything you've done and you start Slamming stuff and you know you're thinking in your head, they don't care about me. The other person asks what's wrong and you're like nothing you, you, you, you, you, you.
Blaire
Host
46:13
Now you could choose to be offended by that, but in reality you're living in the reality that you created, in the environment that you created. Same thing in our relationship. If they are Inviting you to a conversation, if they're talking about their feelings, if they're trying to resolve conflict and you were uninterested in coming to the table to do so At some point they're going to decide they don't want to have this conversation with you because they're going to be so upset and bitter and anchor and resentful. Don't be surprised when that happens. Yeah, you are living in the reality you created.
46:42
Yeah so pay attention to what's being expressed, because that is them trying to have relationship with you.
Zakk
Host
46:49
And to your point, something that you kind of touched on, um it's, it's really easy to Disagree with somebody About their emotion or think that their emotion is justified yes right. I don't think that you should be mad about that. Okay, I don't care what you think I should be mad about because your emotion is yours.
Blaire
Host
47:07
Right like we've talked about so that's the opposite.
Zakk
Host
47:10
It's like they're that person. You're trying to take away the responsibility or the the person's ability to have that emotion, and that is equally unfair and damaging right.
Blaire
Host
47:19
Just because you wouldn't get mad about a situation Doesn't mean that another person reasonably Would get upset about that. And that just because your opinion is they shouldn't be upset about it doesn't mean they really shouldn't. That's their own reality.
Zakk
Host
47:33
You can do. You can disagree about the facts around the situation, um, and you can disagree about how the situation should be handled, but if that person is mad about something, let them be mad if they there is. There is. So many marriages could be so much better If people were just allowed to be mad and to sit in that for a few minutes, right?
Blaire
Host
47:54
That actually goes into our next point.
Zakk
Host
47:56
Look at that, look at that segue being aware and respectful of our differences.
Blaire
Host
48:01
You may have a difference about what upsets one of you versus the other, but you can still validate that that person has that experience and that's their True, that that's their reality, that their emotions is their feelings doesn't have to be yours, but just because it's not yours doesn't mean it doesn't exist at all.
48:17
Yeah, so being aware and respectful of our differences. This one, this is such a key point you can tell you in marriage counseling, because people will come in and they'll be on opposite sides. I'll not know how to compromise or Just not know how to get through a certain issue. At the end of the day, what it comes down to is that they have more Respect for themselves or more desire to be right than they have love and respect for their spouse.
48:39
Yes, yeah and when they realize that sometimes when they get that gut punch, they're like oh, it didn't mean, I didn't mean to. And most of the time they don't like I'm like, you know, I understand, you didn't mean to.
Zakk
Host
48:52
We just live in a society where we're all like Searching for this significance and that turns into a shouting from the rooftops that we're the one who hasn't figured out.
Blaire
Host
49:00
Yes, yes. The problem areas are when you realize, no, I don't respect them and I don't desire to grow that. Then it's like what, what do you want to do with this? How are you going to fix this? Because that Respect, that core respect and love and spirit of charity and honor that we're supposed to have for our spouse Is the core to where a lot of these things stem from exactly. If you don't want to be a part of that.
49:22
If you don't have that, then it's really hard To make positive things stem when there's no fruit.
Zakk
Host
49:30
Yeah, nothing's gonna grow. You know how many times, and and this is not something that we've always been successful at but how many times have we said something along the lines of Um, I, I, I don't get why you feel that way, but like I want to support you, like I'm sorry you feel that way, not in a disrespectful or a condescending way, but just, you know, like I'm sorry. That's how you feel about it.
49:51
I don't get it, but I'm sorry you're going through that, yeah, but I appreciate that you're upset about it and how can I support you? In that.
Blaire
Host
49:59
Yeah, we're very big on that because, Look, we've told the mouse story before. Right. It was a big deal to me. I was scared that mouse jumped on me, but you're like no big deal. You know. You now say if it happened to you, you know it would be a big deal. Which?
50:14
is true too right, that's reality too, and in life, life. But you were able to support me, you know, in that it was a big deal to me, but it wasn't to you, right? So, understanding that we have to be respectful if someone has an opinion that's different than ours or we're coping with something in a different way. You know, we want to hold each other accountable and love each other and have respect. We also need to understand that people are different.
50:39
Yeah, they're going to handle things differently, they're going to have a different opinion. Yeah, god made us all very unique Psalm 139 tells us that and so we need to lean into what God created us, not try to conform to be what we think Someone else thinks we should be or make little tiny versions of ourselves.
Zakk
Host
50:54
Here's an easy analogy for people who were hearing this and they're thinking there is no possible way this can even happen in a relationship. Most people who are married do not have the same taste Exactly when it comes to like entertainment, to like music, tv, etc. Right, etc. I Love stupid sci-fi shows. Right, you know this. You hate sci-fi. If there is an alien or a spaceship or You're in, then then like you're, you're done, right.
Blaire
Host
51:26
It's just right.
Zakk
Host
51:28
And so there are like three different shows that I like on Apple TV and all of them in the last month have dropped new seasons. And so I like busted up into I think you were getting ready for bed or something the other night I like busted up into the bedroom, I'm like baby, guess what? This, this, this is on, and I'm so and you were like, okay, how about it? Look glad for you. And it was one of those things where I'm like I don't need you to invest the time and watching this with me, just be excited for me. You worry, you're like I'm really happy for you, like are you gonna go watch it right now? And that is that.
52:04
That seems silly, but there are so many times where somebody can be upset about something and you're like I don't. To me personally, I wouldn't react that way. It's not a big deal, but Absolutely I'm. I'm sorry that you're upset, right, even if the thing that you're upset out is me. I don't get why you're upset, I wouldn't be upset, but I'm sorry that that's what's happening and you know, I want you to know that, that I care about you and that.
Blaire
Host
52:26
So think of it like this if you go out to get ice cream with your spouse and they get vanilla because they love vanilla and you get chocolate because you love chocolate, or either of you wrong, no Are you going to give them a bad, a hard time, a true hard time, and not just you know being silly being silly and humorous, but are you really and truly gonna give them a hard time about liking vanilla ice cream or, vice versa, liking chocolate ice cream, right?
52:56
No, and ice cream is a silly analogy, but it's the same concept. We carry through some of these deep things You're gonna be like okay, they like vanilla. I like different strokes for different folks. We have a different opinion, we are Different in this area, but it doesn't mean that either of us are wrong Exactly. We just have a different preference or a different opinion. Yeah, same concept, just broken down a little bit. Here's what I know. If people understood this, if they were more aware and respectful in those areas that they're different and decide to come together and respect their differences minor on the minor, major on the majors we would not have jobs as marriage counselors exactly.
53:39
And I would be okay with it. Yeah. Like, if marriages were successful, then I could go and do something else. Right, you know no problem, but we? This is one of the biggest things. It's the core and the root to a lot of what we deal with.
Zakk
Host
53:52
And yet one of the easiest things to fix if we put just a small amount of work in.
Blaire
Host
53:57
If we are self-aware that it's happening and then we decide to do some work at it. Exactly.
Zakk
Host
54:03
So I know this is going to come as a big surprise to our love lessons family here, but I'm incredibly dramatic.
Blaire
Host
54:12
No wonder Right.
Zakk
Host
54:16
So here's my point behind this. Several weeks ago, I was getting some stuff out of our storage unit that we have for Revive, for Christmas decorations, so you could put up the tree, the Christmas tree or above. And as I was getting it out of the storage unit the big Christmas tree bag that it's in I was pulling it out and I heard it start to rip and I thought to myself so help me, if this bag rips and this tree falls out, I'm going to absolutely lose my crap. Now, mind you, this is a prelit tree. It comes in three pieces. That's literally it In the base. You stick it in. There's not much to it here.
55:02
Had this fallen out on the ground, it wouldn't have been that big a deal, but that would have been what sent me over the edge. And so I told you about this and you were like, yeah, zach, I don't, I don't, I don't get it, and like I don't know, it's just, this is it? This is what's going to take, like I'm here's the bridge and I'm about ready to jump this is it Right? And I know that I'm not the only person who experiences this. But the point of all this is that we have to learn how to have healthy conversations around topics when we don't agree with something, if something is a big deal to somebody else or if it's something that's really frustrating to you, how do we have a topic? How do we have a conversation around that topic while we disagree on, like, the content at hand, right?
Blaire
Host
55:51
How do we agree, or even agree to disagree, about things that send each other over the edge?
Zakk
Host
55:57
Yes, so we have a few examples today, a couple of ones that are kind of serious, that can be an issue, and then also ones that are kind of lighthearted, to let you know that you're not alone out there, and love lessons land, that everybody kind of experiences these things.
Blaire
Host
56:16
So one for me is I really struggle. That really sends me over the edge. I'm really ready to do extreme dramatic things when I'm not pro-war test you are. And then these are things that obviously talked about, because we have them in our notes, but we've talked about them in our relationship as well. This is not new revelation.
Zakk
Host
56:42
Love lessons, confessions here.
Blaire
Host
56:45
But Zach is very busy, as everybody is right Like this is not. Most people aren't sitting at home eating Cheetos in their beanbag chair watching Cartoon Network, if you are good for you, but most people have responsibilities and whatnot. But you have a lot of responsibilities, you're going a lot Do you have a lot of things pulling at you and I'm also, we'll say, needy in my affection and not to invalidate the fact that I have needs, but there are sometimes that it's just you being my security blanket in some situations where I could be a little stronger or more independent, I'll say and so, as we talk through this, you can see that I'm not placing all of this on Zach, that he needs to make me a priority. We have talked about this.
57:39
But I've also had to do some thinking and some thoughts behind the fact that, okay, it's not that I am not a priority because you don't want me to be. That's that I can't always be, because there are so many things that you do that other things have to be a priority. For example, I can't decide that I should be a priority on a Sunday morning and I want you to go and take me to brunch when you're going to be preaching Right Like sorry Blair, you have to take a back burner because there are other things that you have to do, that God has called you to, other responsibilities you have by Sursa Like right, so you all can get where this is going, because I need to be realistic in my expectations of you and what it is that I need, and also get to the root of why I feel the way that I feel and what thoughts are motivating that, that feeling and any behaviors that come from that.
Zakk
Host
58:31
Well, there's also value, too, though, and getting to a point where you can say like, okay, I don't feel prioritized here, like what is going on with you? Right, probably get your responsibility to remind me of what my priorities should be, but, especially and we've talked about this before, you know, as of late like we're in this really hectic season where both of us have, like, all kinds of stuff that are pulling on us and we have, you know, deadlines for different things, and there's always something Right, and there's there is value in being able to say, like where's your focus at right now, right, like yeah.
59:12
What, what, what is going on, and but when that? If that request gets constantly ignored, then sure it's.
Blaire
Host
59:22
Well, and we have to also understand that while things are crazy in your life too we know that that's true and it's pulling at you it has to be a priority. It still has to be a priority. Other things are the priority at times, but spending time together and having your relationship has to still be on the list. It cannot constantly be put on the back burner because other things are more important, or one day you will find that those other things that are more important are all that you have, because you have not created a culture and or put the work in to creating the relationship that you need to have. That is healthy, that is life giving.
Zakk
Host
01:00:01
And then you're just two people who live in the same house and maybe share children and are more like roommates.
Blaire
Host
01:00:06
Yeah yeah, so that's mine, that's my serious. What sends me over the edge? I'm going to introduce myself, talk on and pull back and realize like, okay, this is likely a Blair issue that Zach might be contributing to, but it's not a Zach issue.
Zakk
Host
01:00:22
Yeah, yeah, so mine's similar to that. Mine is. When we're talking about something serious, it can be very easy for me to assume that you're being condescending. Yeah, and more often than not, because this is something that I also do when I'm trying to communicate something, my brain moves so quickly, especially when I'm frustrated about something, that I will intentionally slow down in my language because I'm trying to get my point across and not either A stumble over my own words or B try to articulate what it is that I'm saying. And so it's ironic that I get frustrated because I do the same thing. But there are times where I'm like she is talking down to me and she thinks I'm an idiot, when in reality, you're just trying to make sure that, a you articulate it and that B I understand what you're talking about, yeah, right, but when I'm being irrational and we're disagreeing about something that I mean, how many times have I said to you like you don't have to talk to me, like I'm an idiot?
Blaire
Host
01:01:24
Yeah.
Zakk
Host
01:01:25
And there have been times that you have said what are you talking about?
Blaire
Host
01:01:29
And there have been times that I'm like, oh, I need to stop talking to him. I got things I don't think he is, but all of my body language would contribute to the you know? Like what did you mean by that? Like, yeah, girlfriend, quit.
Zakk
Host
01:01:41
Right, so, and there are times that we do it to each other to be silly, right, but there are also there are times where, like that can be the thing that absolutely makes me just lose my crap and shut down, and that's when I have to start doing self-talking like, okay, zach, like she doesn't think that you're an idiot. You are overreacting to the situation where she's trying to express something and you're just not listening here, or you're listening to respond, or you're seeing it through the lens of your own frustrations and whatnot.
Blaire
Host
01:02:10
You know it's funny. These are the two that we brought up. It makes me think of the love and respect book series. I can't remember who wrote it. I'm looking that up, but mine, when I'm not, prioritized the book series, let me go here. It's very big on talking about women need love and men need respect and it goes into details about that. And mine, when I'm not prioritized, is more on the love side. Right, I'm not made to feel special and loved when you feel like I'm being condescending to you. That stings out of respect. So it's funny that those two things actually do fall in those camps.
Zakk
Host
01:02:52
It's interesting to me because it's like we are all unique individuals still learning English, but at the same time, we have so many similarities, right? You know, like and we've talked about this before, maybe on the last episode that we couples will come in and I'll tell them, like, listen, your situation is not incredibly unique. Your experience is valuable and I'm sorry that you're experiencing that, but your situation in particular is relatively common, right, and this is a common theme. Maybe the characters and the names are different, but, you know, often the underlying theme is very similar.
Blaire
Host
01:03:31
So so switching gears and going to humorous things that send me over the edge. My honey, my dear sweet man, am I being condescending right now? Are you taking it that way?
Zakk
Host
01:03:49
No, I'm not even listening. I'm thinking about my other priorities right now, are you?
Blaire
Host
01:03:54
thinking about tipping.
Zakk
Host
01:03:56
Yeah, yeah.
Blaire
Host
01:03:58
Are you doing math over there in your head? I carry the wool. Anyway, your lack of time management, slash, procrastination that in itself drops me insane. You are a last minute guy to the extreme, but not only and I'll figure it out and I'll do it later, but I'm going to think about it. The fact that I haven't done it and need to do it, and it's going to take up my energy and my time and my headspace, knowing that I need to do it, so it's going to steal my joy in those moments because I'm still thinking about it, I'm just not doing it, and then I still wait till the last minute to do it.
Zakk
Host
01:04:36
Yeah.
Blaire
Host
01:04:37
Or it's all true, the whole like time management. Like when you get ready in the morning you are the slowest man. I can get ready way quicker than you can. I can take probably close to three showers in the time that it takes you to take one. And then you just don't get in there and start getting ready. You kind of like draw off and you look at your phone and then you kind of walk around a little bit Like you just don't get to it, you just lolly gag.
Zakk
Host
01:05:11
And a piddler.
Blaire
Host
01:05:12
You are a piddler and like, usually this doesn't have an impact on my day, like you get your own self ready for work, right, and then you leave on your own and what your day schedule with is you, you're accountable to that.
01:05:25
But when it impacts me A whenever you put off doing something when you've got time, that then later impacts me, what I have to do in my time, like if you could do something but you don't then, so then later you go like, oh, I have to do this this day, and then it means that I have to take your responsibilities at home, or the baby or the children, because you weren't smart with the time that you had.
01:05:45
That drives me crazy, like I'm ready to throw hands at that point, I'm ready to throw a chainsaw at you at that point, because I'm like I am then getting the repercussions of your bad choices. But then too, if we are planning to go somewhere together but we're leaving the house together, you will not get out of the bed, even though you know what time that you have to leave and you know it takes you longer to get out of the bed before you, and I'm ready quicker than you and you should be out of the bed before me because it takes you longer, and so I know that I'm going to be ready before you and that I'm just going to go do chores or go do something else that needs to be done, or sit down and do some work, because we're not leaving until Zach is ready and it takes Zach forever because you piddle.
Zakk
Host
01:06:32
Most of the time when I'm peddling, it's because the medication hasn't kicked in yet and I literally don't know what I'm doing.
Blaire
Host
01:06:39
I could even say, hey, should you do this next? And then you're like why are you telling me what to do? This is for valid reason, right. Like who needs to be? Like, brush your teeth now. Like you're not for. However, when you're peddling around, walking around with like one sock on trying to figure out who the president is, I'm like Bruh, go, brush your teeth. Like we got to get going. I know it's so bad.
01:06:57
So you don't want any assistance when you can't do it. So then you're just left to your own devices, which aren't working.
Zakk
Host
01:07:03
The devices are broken.
Blaire
Host
01:07:05
They're broken devices.
Zakk
Host
01:07:07
Listen, there are times that I will like stare at myself in the mirror and I'm like I know that I should be doing something for the life of me. I don't know what that is.
Blaire
Host
01:07:17
But you just stare in, like open mouth, mouth breathing, yes, like looking at yourself Listen.
Zakk
Host
01:07:24
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a real thing and it is real difficult in the mornings, like my thinker just ain't thinking and as much as I would love for it to be thinking, I am the worst.
Blaire
Host
01:07:42
Is that why it takes you so long to shower? Because you can't figure out what comes first shampoo or conditioner.
Zakk
Host
01:07:45
I get lost in thought. I will get lost in thought in there.
Blaire
Host
01:07:48
Well, there are times I'll go in there. I open the shower and I'm like what are you doing? You're just standing there. I'm like are you not doing something? No, I've been lost. Like, if I'm in the shower, I'm accomplishing tasks so that I can move on to accomplishing my tasks.
Zakk
Host
01:08:01
I'm trying to figure out life. Not even like. I'm not even having like shower thoughts, I am just lost.
Blaire
Host
01:08:07
Are you trying to figure out why they taught us Y equals MX plus B and not how to do taxes?
Zakk
Host
01:08:12
There are times that I'm standing in there and I'm just trying to get my brain to do what it needs to do, so that I can, you know, like here's the shampoo Zach.
Blaire
Host
01:08:25
Put the shampoo in your hands, Zach.
Zakk
Host
01:08:27
Right.
Blaire
Host
01:08:29
Also, I'm convinced that you're conjugating verbs in languages you don't even know in there. But two speaking of showers, is there a difference? Are there two groups of people when it comes to how they shampoo their hair?
Zakk
Host
01:08:44
I don't know.
Blaire
Host
01:08:46
Like quick aside here do you put shampoo in your hand and then you put from your hand into your hair yes, or do you squirt the shampoo directly on top of your head?
Zakk
Host
01:08:58
No.
Blaire
Host
01:08:59
I feel like there's a group, a small subset of people that squirt it directly on their head.
Zakk
Host
01:09:05
I mean, what do you do it? Taking it like.
Blaire
Host
01:09:06
Over your. I think I feel like it was a commercial or a movie or something. I watched it and got me thinking and I like looked into it and somebody were like yeah, you squirt it on your head and I'm like, well, well, no, but like whenever we give our baby a bath, I just squirt it directly on his head. No.
01:09:23
I don't put it in my hand Because I'm looking over it, and so I squirt it where I want it, and then I rub my hand and he's just no Put it in your hands because it's cold.
Zakk
Host
01:09:32
You warm it up before you put Are you serious? Imagine if something cold got poured on your head like that. You weren't expecting it.
Blaire
Host
01:09:38
If my hand's not gonna warm it up, it's gonna go right from my hand.
Zakk
Host
01:09:40
No, you lather it, and then you warm it then you put it in their hair no what, you were not here freezing our baby to death.
Blaire
Host
01:09:51
Call CBS.
Zakk
Host
01:09:56
Love Lessons. Confessions number 83.
Blaire
Host
01:09:58
Anyway.
Zakk
Host
01:09:59
Blair Freezes the baby. Speaking of freezing-.
Blaire
Host
01:10:01
He takes a lot quicker of a bath than you do, though.
Zakk
Host
01:10:05
Not when I'm giving him a bath.
Blaire
Host
01:10:07
No, because it's a task and you're getting it accomplished.
Zakk
Host
01:10:10
No, when I give him a bath, we'd just hang out there and play.
Blaire
Host
01:10:14
Yeah, but even then it's much quicker than when you take a shower.
Zakk
Host
01:10:18
I've been medicated by that point.
Blaire
Host
01:10:21
It's already worn off by that point.
Zakk
Host
01:10:23
I've still got a little bit at that point.
Blaire
Host
01:10:26
How do we get this medication any quicker? Do you need to put it in at 3 am? You need to wake up at 3 am and take it real quick and go back to sleep.
Zakk
Host
01:10:35
No, that sounds awful.
Blaire
Host
01:10:37
Fine.
Zakk
Host
01:10:39
Let's talk about your issues.
Blaire
Host
01:10:41
You're ready to move on, aren't you?
Zakk
Host
01:10:43
I'm ready to let everybody know how you're the worst. Here's the thing. That's not a big deal, but it sends me over the edge.
Blaire
Host
01:10:49
Do you feel rage when it happens?
Zakk
Host
01:10:51
Burning heart rage. We have a gas fireplace at our living room. It's Blair's most prized possession.
Blaire
Host
01:10:59
She's the love of my life.
Zakk
Host
01:11:02
Blair begs me to turn on the fireplace starting in September.
01:11:08
It's gas, so you cut it off and you get a light spot and all that when it gets cold outside and I refuse, if we're using air conditioning in the house the fireplace does not need to be on.
01:11:21
Why would you turn the heater on in a place that has air conditioning? Now, we live in Kentucky, so we hit that special time of year where it's like you can go back and forth between air and heat four times during the day, because you know you wake up and it's 30 degrees and then it gets up to 70 and then it's back down to 25 and it's the whole thing. And so the thing that you do that absolutely sends me over the edge is that if we're in that part of the year and the air conditioner that we're on AC we're not on heat, you will turn the fireplace on and it will get roasting in the house and then the air conditioner kicks on because that's how thermostats work, and then you'll get cold again. So you'll go back and turn the fireplace on again, and I don't understand your level of thinking there. Like, if you're going to turn on the fireplace, at least have the decency to turn off the air conditioner.
Blaire
Host
01:12:20
Am I allowed to defend myself now?
Zakk
Host
01:12:22
You're welcome to if you would like, but you know it's amazing that I get so much flag for spending so much money on tipping when our electric bill goes to the roof because you.
Blaire
Host
01:12:34
Maybe it doesn't matter if they're going to cut it off anyway, because you're not going to get it. Oh Okay, you were not wrong. But let me frame this up I along with them not teaching us how to access work. My brain does not compute if you tell me a left or a right.
Zakk
Host
01:12:57
This is true.
Blaire
Host
01:12:59
Like, if I'm, look like I have to think about it, if it's a left or a right myself and I've put my little finger in everything, yeah Okay, if you say your left or my right, you have lost me, because I can't. I cannot do it. I can't even figure out what my right is, much less what your right is Right.
Zakk
Host
01:13:15
So when you say that I'm like so what's the side to do with the air conditioner?
Blaire
Host
01:13:20
So I'm getting there, I'm getting there.
Zakk
Host
01:13:22
You have to take a right first to get there.
Blaire
Host
01:13:25
Your right or mine. So what they didn't teach me in school was how to use my right and my left correctly, but also how thermostats work, because when you say turn it up or down, my brain does not know if up means good or bad, if up means we want more air or less air, more heat or less, like I don't get it. And I grew up in a house where you didn't touch the thermostat, like that movie Daddy's Home 2, where the girl touches the thermostat and all the dads get together like it's sacred. No one can touch the thermostat. Yes, that was the home that I lived in, and so I don't quite know how they work. Still as an adult woman. Right, I confess this today. And it wasn't until you explained to me that, like I was causing it to be colder by the air, that I was causing that, that I was like, oh, like, didn't, didn't realize that was what was happening, and so since then I've gotten better. Would you agree with that? You've tried.
01:14:15
I've tried. There are times that it's just cold and you just gotta get a little bit, but I have tried.
Zakk
Host
01:14:20
Babe, babe, babe.
Blaire
Host
01:14:23
I just need the heat, I just need to stay in front of the fireplace.
Zakk
Host
01:14:27
So our fireplace is a gas fireplace with an, an electric switch. So you just flip the little switch and the fireplace comes on right. So you've got that down. But here's, here's.
Blaire
Host
01:14:35
I know how to flip the switch on and off is okay for me.
Zakk
Host
01:14:38
I know how to flip the flip out too. We have a nest thermostat. Yeah. Literally spins and you just tell it what temperature you want it to be in the house.
Blaire
Host
01:14:51
I want the temperature to go up, but more than that, I want the hot heat from the fire on my body right then.
Zakk
Host
01:14:57
But if you're gonna do that, I don't care if you crank the AC up and you set it to where it doesn't get going to the main figure, I don't know how to do that.
Blaire
Host
01:15:03
You're asking me to do things that I'm not qualified or trying to do.
Zakk
Host
01:15:07
Because it's internet connected. Can you at least have the decency to say to like, text me if I'm not around and say I want to turn on the fireplace when you? Please make sure the air doesn't come off? Yeah? I feel like that's not that difficult.
Blaire
Host
01:15:19
There are days I look at him like can I turn the fireplace on? Thank you Please, sir. Can I have some more? I got that permission, but it's because I don't know if it's acceptable for temperature in order to mess with the homeostasis in our home.
Zakk
Host
01:15:34
Here's what's really funny. Is that, like I just have a sense about it, I could be in another country, and I know that you have turned the fireplace on.
Blaire
Host
01:15:43
He will text me as that fireplace. I'm like dang it. How did he know he's living here?
Zakk
Host
01:15:47
There are times that I can be, so we have like an open concept living room and kitchen and the rest of the house is kind of like. So they break it off and so like I can be like three rooms away from this big area and I can just tell Mm-hmm and I'll like, bust out, and it'll be a thousand degrees out there, it is hot, and then the air conditioner is kicked on.
Blaire
Host
01:16:06
Yeah, nothing that you have said is wrong. You were 100% wrong.
Zakk
Host
01:16:11
You don't hear about my toxic trait though, because I also have issues with this fireplace. I don't leave the air on, but what I do is that when I get cold I don't get cold very often, but when I do get cold like I have cold down to the bone, the worst thing that's ever happened to you. I have been fridgeed since the year 1783. And so I will crank the thermos. I thought this is usually like in the middle of the winter, when you know it's January and there's snow on the ground, I'll turn on the thermos. What's the word? Fireplace?
Blaire
Host
01:16:45
Don't ask me. I don't know any of these.
Zakk
Host
01:16:46
I don't know any of these words. I'll turn on the fireplace and I will stand in front of it and it will take forever, because I am so cold that I'll finally get warm, but because I do nothing in moderation, everything like it's roasting by the time that I finally realize that I'm warm and then I'm like I am so freaking hot right now.
Blaire
Host
01:17:08
You do this in every area of your life.
Zakk
Host
01:17:10
This is true. I do nothing in moderation. I am so hot right now that my skin is melting off. Satan is in this room with me, physically present. I can feel the flames from hell burning me right now. I am so hot. What is going on? So I'll like to go stand out on the back porch to cool off, but then I wait too long and then you get cold, and then I'm cold and I just repeat the cycle, the cycle.
Blaire
Host
01:17:33
Yeah, I think your problem is worse than my problem.
Zakk
Host
01:17:35
No, because I'm not like sending our electric bill through the roof.
Blaire
Host
01:17:41
Yeah, that's that. You absolutely do that. But I'm going to tell you when you turn that on and it gets hot, I'm usually okay with it. I don't usually say anything. I'll let you do your cycle because I'm getting warm, I'm getting fireplace time out of it. I'm benefiting from this. So I'm like scoot over, let me have a little, let me have a little sand there.
Zakk
Host
01:17:58
The point to all of this is that we must recognize that we have differences of opinion on these things, and it doesn't have to cause separation.
Blaire
Host
01:18:06
Having a healthy conversation around the serious, but also the humorous things that drive us crazy about our spouse.
Zakk
Host
01:18:12
And learning to laugh about it. Yeah, and when it's, especially when it comes to the humorous things like in the grand scheme of things, and a hundred years, the fireplace and the thermostat, it doesn't.
Blaire
Host
01:18:24
No, we do.
Zakk
Host
01:18:24
Right yeah, wherever we go, anyway, nobody cares, we're going to be cold on the ground. Right.
Blaire
Host
01:18:29
Bodies going to be rotted away.
Zakk
Host
01:18:30
Our arguments might live on.
Blaire
Host
01:18:31
I love life. It's going to be in heaven Forever.
Zakk
Host
01:18:34
But that took a weird dark turn. I mean it's true I mean I guess it's a good turn. How will we get to you know worship with?
Blaire
Host
01:18:41
Jesus, I'll fly away.
Zakk
Host
01:18:41
Okay, that's not the logic. No it's not. Here's a fun fact we're going to have one of those.
01:18:47
We don't even know If you here's a thought then Okay, if you worship at a church where you sing the hymn, I'll fly away. Go look that up and tell me where you find that in scripture. You're welcome. We have got to wrap this up and I've got to get out of here. Where do you get to go? Just like at home, you have turned the heat on and it is well-dreaming in the Love Lesson Studio. It's not that hot, I am sweating.
Blaire
Host
01:19:13
I need a heated blanket.
Zakk
Host
01:19:14
I just need you to quit. I need, if you give me, a heated blanket. I am revoking your access to the space heater in the Love Lesson Studio. It has got to be 84 degrees in here right now.
Blaire
Host
01:19:26
I feel invalidated in my temperature.
Zakk
Host
01:19:33
I don't care.
Blaire
Host
01:19:35
Oh, come to a jump and strike to that.
Zakk
Host
01:19:37
I don't care about your feelings about the temperature.
Blaire
Host
01:19:39
What can you do to fix my situation?
Zakk
Host
01:19:41
It's not my responsibility to fix the situation. You're right. What I can do is leave, because I am not going to sit in these swell drink conditions.
Blaire
Host
01:19:47
You can only be responsible for your actions. Right.
Zakk
Host
01:19:50
I care that you're cold. I don't care that you want it to be a thousand degrees in here, understood. We have to leave.
Blaire
Host
01:19:57
Okay, goodbye.
Zakk
Host
01:19:58
This has been wonderful. I am so glad that you guys have been around for this. I am dying. We'll see you next week, hopefully.
Blaire
Host
01:20:05
Goodbye.
Announcer
Announcement
01:20:10