Piss-Poor Justification: Dog Dilemmas & Striking a Balance in Marriage
In this hilarious yet insightful episode, we take you through our misadventures with one of our pets, sharing hard-earned lessons about compromise, acceptance, and facing challenges with grace and humor.
We expose everything from the peculiar world of 'girl math' affecting our financial decisions to the playful dynamics within a marriage. Be ready to laugh out loud as we recount how we've playfully tricked our children (and each other) and discover how adopting a new dog ended up being more challenging than anticipated.
We switch gears towards the end, navigating the tricky waters of differing church beliefs in marriage and providing advice on striking a balance between personal preferences and core values. As Christian counselors and marriage experts, we bring our personal experiences and professional expertise to the table, aiming to provide real, practical advice to help keep your relationships healthy and strong. So buckle up and join us on this rollercoaster ride of love, laughter, and Love Lessons!
When it comes to marriage, nothing is as black and white as it seems. From adopting a pet to managing finances and navigating differing beliefs, the road is filled with unexpected turns. In our latest podcast episode, we dive deep into these issues, offering insights drawn from personal experiences and professional expertise.
Who would have thought that confusing a standard poodle for a golden doodle could teach us so much about compromise and acceptance? As we share our hilarious misadventures with our new pet, we realize that life’s curveballs often present the best opportunities for growth. Our experience with our pet taught us that the essence of relationships lies in compromise, acceptance, and facing challenges with grace and humor.
Our discussion also extends to the peculiar world of 'girl math' and its impact on financial decisions in relationships. We explore the trend of justifying expenses in a twisted mathematical logic, emphasizing the importance of open, honest, and sensible financial management. After all, the health of a relationship is not just about emotional compatibility but also about financial compatibility.
The dynamics within a marriage can be playful, and we share some of our favorite ways to tease each other. However, we also highlight the importance of ensuring that the humor is mutual and respectful. In our view, shared inside jokes and gentle ribbing can indeed strengthen a couple's bond.
One of the more serious topics we tackle is gaslighting. While it can be used playfully in some contexts, its impact on relationships can be significant. It's crucial to understand the fine line between playful teasing and harmful manipulation, and we provide insights on how to ensure that this line is not crossed.
As the episode progresses, we delve into the complex waters of navigating differing beliefs in marriage. As Christian counselors and marriage experts, we share our experiences and provide advice on striking a balance between personal preferences and core values. It's a delicate dance, but one that can be navigated successfully with patience, understanding, and compromise.
To sum it up, marriage is a rollercoaster ride of love, laughter, and lessons. It requires constant effort, compromise, and a good dose of humor. But with the right mindset and tools, it's a journey worth every step. So buckle up and join us on this adventure, where we explore the unexpected lessons from a misguided dog adoption to the humorous hurdles in marriages. Our aim is to provide real, practical advice to keep your relationships healthy and strong.
Episode Transcript
NOTE: Episode transcripts are automatically generated.
(...) You ever heard that saying or seen it online? It said, "I didn't want a cat and my wife wanted a cat so we compromised and got a cat."(...) On today's show, we're going to talk about why compromise is so important. We're going to talk about real and practical ways that you can find compromise in your relationship so that you can keep moving forward with success. It's all coming up right now.
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Real life.
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Real talk.
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Real relationships.
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Faith-based tips, tricks, and challenges to improve your marriage and change your life.(...) It's the Love Lessons Podcast with your hosts,(...) Christian counselors and marriage experts,(...) Dr.Zakk andBlaire Gammon.
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Hey there, welcome to the show. We are glad you are here with us.
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I want to talk about something important. Okay.(...) There is this new trend going on. Yes. I've had it.(...) Up to where? Up to my eyeballs, lady.(...) What is it? If you've been on TikTok, you've seen this nonsense about girl math.
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Girl math. Tell me about...why don't you give us...this is no longer Love Lessons, this is girl math lessons. Make it make sense. Tell us what girl math is, Blair.
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You could go on social media and find better videos to explain it. Girl math is if I buy something for $30 from Target but then I return it, then I've got $30 free to use. It's like whatever I buy is free after that. Wrong.
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Or if I load money onto my Starbucks app,(...) then when I go and actually use it, those drinks are free because I already paid for it.
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Or if we're going on vacation and I rent a condo for a week, that's not part of my vacation budget when I get to vacation because I already paid for it. It's like that, my Condo's Day is free.
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This is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.
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But all girls, I've not talked to one that we've talked about this that does not agree. Yeah, because it's finally some public justification of your poor behavior.
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It's a thought that we're like, "Oh, okay. So this is like I could get this for free or do this or I'm just like rerouting money." Yeah, exactly. That's called money laundering.(...) I'm laundering any money. I've got to have money to launder it. Yeah, you don't have any because you keep using the stupid girl math. Girl.
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You know what? They blame boomers for crashing the housing market but flippin' white women are single-handedly destroying this nation's economy. You know Hobby Lobby and Kirkland's are doing great but everybody else. Yeah, it's funny how that works, isn't it? Girl math.
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It makes as much sense as toilet paper math. Why does it upset you so much? Because it's wasting money. You're not...
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It's not free money. This is money that at some point has to come out of our checking account. Can we go back to toilet paper math? Toilet paper math. What is that? You know when you're walking through the grocery store and you're in the toilet paper? I feel very strongly about this too. I don't really like math.(...) This should just be math lessons. Is that the problem? Yes, that's it. It's math and jumbo. No, it's the stupidity behind both girl math and toilet paper math. You know when you're walking through the aisle in the grocery store and you see all the toilet paper and it's like 14 jumbo rolls equal like 87 regular rolls. Yes. And that's one brand but then another brand is like 12 rolls here equals 38 rolls there. And then nobody's...the math ain't mathing. The math ain't. Who actually did all of the work to figure out what was a roll? How many times do they have testers that are just wiping their butts constantly? How much toilet paper work was a real pain in the butt today babe?
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How much wood?
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Shut up. Shut up. And I've never gotten a solid answer to this toilet paper math but I think that it's stupid just like girl math.
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I think that toilet paper companies are doing well and most of the women on TikTok agree with girl math and so I think it's a you problem. I don't think it's a math problem.(...) Well when we can no longer afford our house or toilet paper because of your girl math problem then we'll see whose problem it is. That's valid. Love Lessons is taking donations so we can keep our lights on because Blair won't stop going to Hobby Lobby and Target. Hobby Lobby that's different but Target if I have a gift card it's free even if that means I have a gift card because I returned an item. No if somebody gave you a gift card then it's free for us.
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If you return something it's not free. It's free. No it's not. It is.
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I'm redirecting it. It's free.(...) So then I buy it on sale so if I return something get $30 back. I get something on sale for 20% off. I have gotten a really great deal. It's almost like I had to buy that item because of how cheap it was with my discount and my gift card.(...) You know I've been a therapist for a long time and I've heard people justify some really poor languages and this has to be the poorest.
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I mean this is just piss poor justification. Yeah well you had to call me out like that in front of everybody but everybody else does it. All the other girls do it. Don't don't don't. You gonna jump off the bridge too? I probably would. Honestly. Yeah you would. People ask that question and it's like if everybody else is doing it I'm gonna be like what's down there that's so fun. Let's go. I got back handed one time as a kid for saying that. My dad was like if everybody jumped off a bridge would you. And I was being honest I wasn't being a smarty look and I was like yeah probably. He didn't think it was funny. I wasn't trying to be funny.(...) It was true. You sure would. You'd be like what's down there guys. It looks fun. Come on.(...) I would too. Girl math.
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Girl math. Do you want to hear a fun fact? Do you have something? Does it have to do with math? With our math lessons for the day? No. Okay.(...) So it turns out teasing your partner isn't just for fun. It's actually good for your relationship.
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I don't know about making your partner crazy now.(...) Still research is still occurring. According to research conducted by the University of Kansas couples who gently poke fun at each other tend to have longer more satisfying relationships.
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I feel like you're holding something back here you want to say real bad. Teasing and humor can help couples navigate disagreements, express affection, I very much show you love by terrorizing you, and de-escalate tense situations. So those silly pet names and shared inside jokes are actually strengthening your bond. However, according to this it says this isn't to say you should turn your relationship into a comedy roast. The key to successful teasing is ensuring that it's light-hearted, reciprocal, and respectful. If your jokes hurt your partner's feelings or belittle them, it can do more harm than good.(...) Yeah, we hang out here a lot. Yeah. But we're very good about not being harmful. They really are in good faith and not to pick fun at something that someone's sensitive about. Yeah. But we... I love to aggravate you. It's one of my favorite things. I think that it is your favorite part about being married. Yeah.
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Aggravating you to no end.
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You can tell if I've been out of town or we've been apart for a few days and you come home, I'm aggravating the crap out of you.
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It's like when I was in fifth grade and the boys would chase us around the playground.(...) It's the grown-up version of that. It's except there's not boys and girls. There's me and you. And so I'm the only one you can take this aggravation out on. You're welcome.
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It's a special blessing.
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So what are some of the things you do to aggravate me? Why don't you tell the people? I love to tickle you. Yes. I love to... I really like to gaslight you.
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But we know what's happening so it's not hurtful or harmful. No, yeah. Not in a bad way. But like if I'm trying to show you where something is on your phone or something, I'll convince you that it's not there in a different place. Yes. And you're like so blessed and you're like, "No, I know it's right here." And I'm like, "What are you talking about?" Every now and then I can't understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.
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And you were like, "Here, I didn't know yet." And I'm like, "No, I'm getting hired to design."
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Stuff like that. This started very early in our relationship. Yes, it did. So we did this thing early in our relationship where we would make up false... They were lies. That's just called... They were. Why lessons? Life.
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Math and lives. We would make up things to try to convince the other person it was true.(...) And so the best one, and we didn't know each other so well like we do now. We can't get it over on each other now. We are so good at like reading... All trust is gone in this relationship. Well, we're so good at reading the other person that we're like, "I know that you're BSing me right now." But early on we didn't. And so we would do this. And so I know the best one was whenever we were going through Bowling Green. Kentucky. Kentucky. You want to tell this one? You go ahead.
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And you were...(...) Was it you or me? Remember, you did it. Yeah. I said, "Well, I wonder why Bowling Green is named Bowling Green?"
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And I made up the stupidest thing on the spot. Yeah. And you believed it. I was naive. You said, because the earliest settlers of Bowling Green were professional or good at bowling. They had a passion for bowling and they got here and they said, "Oh, it's so green here." And so they named it Bowling Green. Ding dong. Self-belief there. I did. I was like, "Oh, okay."
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And I don't know how long it took years. It was a considerable amount of time. It was years later when I mentioned it. I think I said it to somebody and you were like, "Blair, honey, no. That's not really true. You didn't want me to be embarrassed." Yeah. Yeah. It was a good time. That was a good one. What about my favorite one for you?
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Go ahead and tell it to.
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So we were listening to a song on the radio.
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Now mind you, the song that was on the radio I had listened to whenever I was a teenager and I had downloaded it illegally. Right?
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LimeWire. Bear Share. Listen,(...) we walked on LimeWire so these Gen Z's could run on Spotify. Yes. Anyway, so when I had downloaded it, there was like this five second beep in the middle of the song.
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Didn't think anything about it. Well, years later, we're in the car and on the radio and that version. So they powered it. So they powered it at the place and there's this beep. And so I didn't say anything, but I heard it. I was like, "Oh yeah." And you said, "What was that?"(...) And somehow so quickly I said, "Did you not know that that's how Colombian drug lords communicate about pickups and drop offs of drugs through songs on the radio?"
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And I like made up this whole thing and you believed it. So stupid. LimeWire and Sinker. You went with it. Yeah. I'm so stupid. Yeah. So this also translates to our kids. We've done this to our children. Oh no, the tooth fairy. Yeah.
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When our oldest was in first grade, she was a little delayed in losing her first tooth.
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When she was in first grade, her teacher calls us and was very concerned. And I was like, "What's going on?" And so she didn't believe that the tooth fairy was real because we had just pulled stuff over on her so many times. And so she was like, "You're making this right." There's no way this tiny little fairy comes into my room. Right. I mean, the tooth fairy isn't real. Right. But I hope you know that if you're listening. I don't know why his children are listening.(...) Anyway. If you're a kid listening to this, please go find something better to do with your time.
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So the teacher calls. They were reading a book about the tooth fairy and I guess probably went up to her and went, "Oh, that's real." And so with little context, the teacher called and was very concerned. And so I had to tell her that I just, I told my children lots of lies.
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We have done a lot. We told, they think they're adopted. They don't really think they're adopted, but they think that there were two brothers.
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That we left to live under a bridge. That we put under a bridge. Freddie and Eddie. We had before we had them. They were convinced for a minute it was true. Put them under a bridge. Yeah. But we didn't use it to threaten them to put them under a bridge. We just- We were just driving under a bridge one day and I said something. I'm like, "Hey, what about Freddie and Eddie?" Yeah. And so- What's really good too is that when I come up with something out of nowhere, like if we're really in sync, you'll just go along with it. Yeah. And that's really nice.
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This is lie lessons. I realize we're just big liars.
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This whole thing's a sham. We're not even married. Big lie lessons.
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Oh man. What was I going to say? It was going to be really funny. Oh, that happened one time. What?
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So, when I worked in HR, we did a benefit audit and so you had to show proof of marriage. Yeah. And I had a lady come in one time and her marriage license was never actually turned in and got in the seal and everything. And so she'd been married or what she thought was married to her husband for like 28 years. And they were living in sin the whole time? It wasn't- they had a whole wedding and everything, but it wasn't registered with wherever they lived. Wow. And so they had to go and officially register it and officially be married after that many years. That's hysterical. Insane. Wow.
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So, we have to go check the seal on our marriage license. It's good. Is it good? Yeah. Okay. It's legit. It's too legit to quit. Or is that a lie?
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Lie lessons. No, I'm 92.5% sure. Did they notarize it? Is it sealed? Yes. Okay. Yes. I know it has the seal from the Milton County. Great state of Florida. Or no, the Milton is the city. What's the county? What is wrong with me?
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What's the name of the county? Santa Rosa County. Yeah.(...) I was going with Escambia County, but that's the next one over.
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This has nothing to do with love lessons. No. Anyway. But both their hearts. They're still here. Move on. Let's move on. Okay. So, let's talk about something that every healthy relationship needs in order to make it. Chocolate.
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No. I mean, that could help, but no. It's another C word. Carrots.(...) No, it's compromise. What was that? Compromise. I'm not familiar with this word. I know you're not.
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Compromise. You've probably never experienced it before.
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I don't know anything about this. Let me show you a little bit. Let me teach you. Okay. Learn you something. Learn me something good.
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So, when we look at the concept of compromise. Compromise.
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It is a skill that every person needs in relationships to ensure that they are managing conflict in a healthy way.(...) And so, I'll have people come in and say, "We don't know how to compromise." Because it's usually your way, my way. We go back and forth. We don't come to a middle of the road agreement. Something that we're both okay with, but that we have given a little bit on our side. So, when we look at it, what is compromise? We have to kind of start at the basics. What is it?
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It's simply an invitation to collaborate, to solve problems.(...) So, when we say, "Hey, let's compromise," we are inviting one another to come together to be on the same team to tackle solving whatever problem that we're having in our relationship at the time. Whatever the issue is. It's nothing bigger than that. However, we certainly make it bigger than that, don't we? I think every person is born with the ability to compromise. It's just that in our own selfish nature, we don't want to. Right? Yeah, because we do that in a lot of areas of our life. Right?(...) I mean, think about work and jobs that you get.
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When you go into a job, did you want to work 5 to 1.30 p.m.? 5 a.m. to 1.30 p.m.?(...) Maybe, maybe not. Did your employers say, "Here's what you're doing," and you said, "Okay, I want this job so I'm going to compromise and work the schedule they give me." We do that. I mean, what about your electricity bill?
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Do you want electricity so you have to pay whatever there is for it? You're compromising by saying, "I'm going to agree to this because I need this service, so I'm going to pay whatever this is." Yeah.
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But compromise doesn't have to be a bad thing. No. I think the problem is that we always think that compromising means just giving the other person what they want. Right?(...) But what if we looked at it from a negative perspective, what if we saw it as a positive thing, something to work toward?
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What if we looked at it as a way to show your spouse that you loved and you valued them? What a novel concept. We want our spouse to be loved and valued. We want to show them that we feel that way about them. And vice versa.
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It's having mutual respect for one another, showing honor and love to one another by saying, "I'm going to come to the table with you so that we can tackle this together. I'm going to hear your perspective, even if I don't agree. I'm going to honor and love the fact that you have that perspective and have that grace going into this situation, knowing that we're going to come to a decision because I love and honor you more than I desire to be right or to have my way."
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And compromise is something that when done in the context of a healthy relationship, it means that both partners are pouring into the relationship because both partners are looking for solutions. Right? And this is really easy when we talk about marriages to do when you are doing really well in your relationship. You have a lot of love. But think of it in like if you've divorced someone and you have children together and you have to co-parent, think about that. There's a lot of compromise that has to happen there. And so we're talking about it from the context of a relationship being married, but you can use these skills and should use these skills in all of your relationships because there will be times that come up that you are on separate pages, but you need to love and honor the relationship in that person and the other people at FX, like children, for example, whatever than you value being justified or right in your own way. So why do you think compromise is so important in relationships?
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Because you are going to have different perspectives and you still have to figure out how to move forward with different perspectives, different opinions, with a disagreement.(...) You have to figure out how to do that. You might not be able to resolve what the conflict is about, but you can resolve how you handle the conflict going forward. And without compromise, you can't do that. Yeah. You're just both trying to stay in your ground and get things to go your way. Or that's that big elephant in the room that we never talk about or the thing we sleep under the rug because we haven't figured out how to address it, so we act like it's not here and you, again, will eventually trip over those things. Those things will come back up and you have to figure out how to handle those or they're going to continue to cause conflict. Have you ever tried to sleep an elephant under a rug?
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No, I can't say that I have, but I do imagine that would be challenging. Yeah. Kind of like living life without compromising. See what I did there?
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You tried. I saw what you tried to do. I was just swinging a miss. I was swinging a miss. So let's talk about some healthy ways to compromise.(...) Maybe we agree not to make any stupid dad jokes on love lessons. That would be a good start.
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If I could get you to agree to that compromise. I will never. I know. I will never.(...) We would have half the show, the content for a show if that happened. So yeah, I know you're going to say you're welcome. You just want to get into this list? Okay. You're welcome.
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So bless my heart. Step one, have a respectful discussion. What a novel concept. Notice the word respectful. Yeah.
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That doesn't mean being sarcastic or sitting there with your arms crossed or whatever.(...) It means honestly seeking to find a solution.
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Sometimes having a respectful discussion means going back and listening to some of our previous episodes about the pursuer and distancer cycle and marriage myths and all of those things.
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But seeking to find an understanding, seeking to honor your spouse, even in the middle of a disagreement, it can go a long way.
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This goes into the second one, but it's seeking to understand and not to respond or not to explain yourself.
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If you will give your spouse the floor without jumping in or defending or explaining yourself and knowing that maybe you have a working agreement, rules of engagement, you will whenever you have a conflict.(...) You're going to get the floor for two minutes and then I'm going to get the floor for two minutes and we're not speaking just to respond. We're speaking to make ourselves understood and or to enhance the relationship and dissolve the conflict, if you will, or put it to an end.
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Then we're seeking to understand and maybe instead of responding, we start asking why questions.
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Why do you feel that way? Why is that your perspective?
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Because maybe we get a broader understanding. Maybe we still don't agree with their perspective, but we can see how they got there so then that gives us the ability to love and respect that perspective and that person in that. Seeking to understand and not just to respond and to defend ourselves. If that's something you've never done in your marriage, give it a try and see what kind of change you experience. It can be huge.(...) That really kind of just flows into our next tip. It's like this thing was produced on purpose.
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Acknowledge each other's feelings. Make sure that the other person feels heard even if you don't agree.
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There is such beauty in saying, "I don't understand why you are the way that you are or why you feel the way that you do, but I can appreciate the fact that you feel strongly about it." We have many of those in our relationship.
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I can't think of any right now, can you? No. Are we even married? Who even are we? Who are you? We'll try to come back to that if we have an example. We are very good about saying, "Yeah, I don't understand that perspective, but I respect and love the fact that you are a person who does have that."
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I also know that when you say that to me, it's not ... It's not condescending or anything? No, not at all. It's actually ... I always feel respected when you do it because you always say it in a way that's like you're a very intelligent, smart human being, so if you have that perspective, I know it's valid to you.(...) It validates in that moment even though you don't agree with it. You're still validating that it's okay that I have that feeling or emotion.(...) I will say though, I don't understand your particular kind of crazy, but I do appreciate and respect your total commitment to it. Mm-hmm.(...) Appreciate that. You're welcome. You're so sweet. That was just for you.(...) If I'm not here for next week,(...) everybody knows I've been buried in the backyard. At this point, no one would be surprised based on the way you run your mouth. I know. I wish I ran in general as much as I ran my mouth. Yeah. I wonder what feelings I'm having right now that you need to acknowledge.
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What's the compromise? Do you make like 30% of the dad jokes and I don't throw chainsaw at you?
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I'm willing to take the risk on this one.
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After you, my dear, the floor is yours. The next one is be willing to give and to take. Yes.(...) Keeping an open mind of being flexible is very key. As I mentioned earlier, if you are going into this with,(...) "I don't want to compromise, I want to get my way," then you are not going into it with the best motives when it comes actually resolving the conflict. It's not a good faith discussion. It's not a good faith discussion. You need to be flexible. You need to understand that you're working on solving the problem of the relationship, which while it is your problem, it's the relationship's problem overall. You and your spouse share this problem.(...) It is not only your problem, meaning it is not only your way that should happen and or your solution, that the two of you have to collaborate together to figure out what that is and that may mean that you have to be flexible and you have to give in some areas. The same Burger King. You can't always have it your way.(...) Sorry about you. If that's what you're trying to do, then you're really going to struggle in this area and in part to your marriage. If you're not struggling in this area, then I would question why. If you think that you're not very compromising, that you're rigid and uncompromising, then I would say why is my marriage so successful if I'm like this?
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Is it that you have a spouse who might be a saint?
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You do.
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He thinks he is. This is saint lessons.
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Or?(...) Like, ain't lessons. Ain't lessons.
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Is your spouse a saint or does your spouse have some feelings of resentment and bitterness that they're covering up because they feel like they can't compromise with you because you always get your way? Here's a fun exercise if you have the cojones to do it. Go ask your spouse if they think you compromise well.
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Then tell them to answer honestly.
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Yep. Don't hold a knife in your hand while you say it. I think you and I had that conversation when we were having this. It didn't go well.
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I was surprised at how little you feel like I compromise.
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But then we talked it through and we discovered that I do compromise a lot more than you're giving me credit for. Sometimes.
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That goes into the next part of this is that the husband shouldn't just give up, right? I get irritated because you see this in movies and TV shows and it gets perpetuated on social media.
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Spouses are not doormats.
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Spouses many times are portrayed as these like bumbling idiots who don't know what's going on, right? And wives are sometimes portrayed as airheads that don't have a look of sense either and that's not fair either.(...) I know some equally stupid people across both gender spectrums.
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But anyway, that's not the point. The point is I've seen on Facebook like that meme that says, "I didn't want a cat and my wife wanted a cat so we compromised and got a cat." Everybody kind of laughed. But the truth is if you are just like the doting husband that's like whatever she wants just so that she doesn't run her mouth, that's not really being successful. That's building a presentment and creating division between the relationship. And so if you're a husband, you hold the responsibility here to ride this ship. It's not your wife's responsibility to turn this around. You've created the environment where the wife gets "what she wants" all the time.
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You have some responsibility here to change the dynamic. And that's going to take some time to do because you have created an atmosphere where this is acceptable. You have created your rules of engagement if you will and the rules of engagement are that your wife is going to get her way or you're going to do whatever she wants. And so you can't just come in one day and throw the law down and say, "We're not doing that anymore." When in reality... How does one throw the law down? I don't know. Throw the book down. Lay down the law. That's what I meant. You're mixing metaphors here. I really am. You're going to be marching when they listen here, woman.(...) You're going to start doing what I say. I'm throwing the law at you.
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She's like, "What?" She fought the law and the law won. The law won.
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But you really will run into challenges if you come in trying to lay down the law and expect... Sometimes it just wants to take a nap.
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Expect that things are going to go how you want them to immediately. You are going to have conflicts because you're going to be creating some new habits. And so you've got to go into that charitably and gently knowing that you've laid a foundation that has to be rebuilt. Yeah.
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And so an easy way to start that is just to say, "Hey, listen.
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From my perspective, it feels as though when we compromise that I don't get my way on anything." Be prepared. There's going to be rebuttal in that because there always will be. But I feel this way and I don't want to feel that way. So I would like for us to work together the next time something of conflict comes up. Don't bring it up in the middle of a fight. But mention it so that you guys... So that can be on their horizon, whether you're the husband or the wife in the situation. Next time, how can we come together to tackle the problem and solve it together versus one person getting their way or not? Like how can we really and truly come to a place where we're solving it together and we're both okay with what that compromise looks like? And so that's really... That kind of hits the next point, the nail on the head there.
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Test the pros and cons together. Instead of just trying to justify your reasoning for being right and justify your decision that you want to make,(...) how can we acknowledge the pros and cons of both sides? How can we look for solutions together?
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Again, going into it with good faith. Stop being part of the problem. Be part of the solution.
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The next one is making compromises lovingly out of good faith. So same thing we've been talking about.
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See compromise is a loving gesture, not a punishment or a sacrifice.(...) So work on not keeping score. Well, you got your way the last time and now I want to get my...(...) That's not the intent of compromise. We know that that's what happens at times, but really so. We're trying to make sure that we're doing so out of a place of good faith and gentleness and charity and love for the other person, not so much as wanting to be right or to get our way, if you will. We've touched on this before, but if both spouses are always trying to show love and honor to the other person, if you're always trying to give more than you take and the other spouse does that too, imagine how differently a relationship can look rather than just saying, you know, shouting over here, "I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I want. How do I get...
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How do I give the other person more? How do I give to them more?" And when both people do that, when both people... We may have mentioned this before too, but when people go into a relationship both thinking they got the better end of the deal,(...) how could a relationship change?
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Very true.
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Another thing that we need to do that I know from personal experience, but also professionally, that people can struggle with is appreciating your spouse, especially when they compromise.
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If it is something your spouse has agreed to a compromise on and it leans more towards, you know, what you want and they're giving a little more,(...) we can fall into habits of not appreciating that, especially if it's the same thing over and over again. So if it's how we parent and it's, "I want to do this and you want to do that, so we're just going to decide this compromise, which is more in line with what I want and that's something that you have to do daily,"(...) we might appreciate it when the compromise is made, but over time that will lose its luster and it will become more common and so we forget that it really was a compromise and that we need to appreciate our spouse for the fact that we're still continuing to do something that they did not like as much and or it's a compromise from whatever their values or morals or whatever it happened to be.(...) So appreciating your spouse and the areas in which they do compromise, being mindful of that. Yeah. And so you like to say that compromise is an equation. That sounds great, but I'm bad at math. What's that mean? So if we look at getting our way as an equation, that is me plus me equals me.
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If we look at compromise as... Which for me is a great equation. Sure. Sure it is. Sweet little Zach.
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It's my world. You're just living that. If we are looking at compromise as us coming together to work on a problem, that is me plus you equals solving the problem, if you will.
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So what I mean by that is I am one part of the equation. You are another part of the equation and what it equals is how we're going to solve the problem. And so it takes the air out of this importance of me getting my way or my opinions or how I want to handle it being big when I realize that this equation is for our relationship and I'm one factor of our relationship.
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What I need and what I want is important.
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I still need to evaluate if that's what's healthy for the relationship and or a healthy thing in general that's needed, but if it's healthy for the compromise that needs to occur in this relationship. Yeah. So there are a lot of different types of therapy out there. CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is the most common one, but I actually take things most of the time from an approach of what's called solution focused brief therapy or solution focused therapy. And so what we're doing in those situations is that we know where we are, we know that we want to get to the solution so we figure out what the solution is and then figure out the steps of how to get there. Right? The compromise is really the same. We know that we want to get to a solution. We know that we're not there now, so we need to figure out A, B, C, and D to be able to get to that solution and to figure out what it truly is. And so most of the time it's not so much the compromise is not so much figuring out what the solution is. It's figuring out how we're going to come to that solution. Correct. Yes.
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And when we start thinking about it that way, you might be bad at math like me, but thinking of it from that perspective, it's just one more tool to make the relationship more healthy. Yeah. And there are couples who are very healthy who I think look forward to opportunities like this because it's truly a collaborative effort where they get to work together. Yeah. Yeah.(...) So maybe look at compromise from a different perspective through different lens. It's not a dirty word. Yeah.(...) Now with all of that being said, there are things that you should not compromise on. Right.(...) There are heels that you should don, if you will. So the first one is things that go against your core values. Right. If you are a Christian and there is something that your spouse is trying to get you to compromise on that is antithetical to the Christian faith and Christian doctrine and from a place of good conscience and good faith you can't do, then you have to stand on that. Not because you're trying to be mean or because you're trying to be right, but because that's a core conviction for you. Right. And so you have to stand up for that belief. And then second, I think, which is equally important is that if your personal boundaries are being violated and so that when we hear that we automatically think of like body autonomy. Right. Like I don't want to compromise on something sexual, which is true, but there are other things too. If there's something that's going to be emotionally hurtful or frustrating or is going to put you in a bad space that you know that you're not equipped to handle, then I don't believe that you compromise on that. Now with that being said,(...) we have to evaluate our boundaries. Sometimes that causes us to have to reevaluate them.(...) And so this assumes that you have placed boundaries. They're good boundaries and they're not bad boundaries meant to control or manipulate.
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But if you say, sorry, can't compromise, that's against my boundary, then I'm going to say before you say that you really need to evaluate what your boundaries are and how this goes against those. Is this a cop out for you? Is this a cop out or is it an excuse so that you don't have to engage in problem solving? Yeah.
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Again, if there's any sort of abuse that is occurring, absolutely hard boundaries there, but don't use it as an excuse or a weapon to not come to the table. Exactly.
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This episode of the Love Lessons Podcast is brought to you by Revive Counseling Center.
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Revive provides faith-based counseling services to help people find spiritual, emotional, and physical wellness. With multiple in-person locations as well as convenient online counseling options, Revive Counseling Center has helped countless marriages and individuals find help and healing, allowing people to create fulfilling and thriving relationships,(...) reviving hope, and restoring lives. Learn more at ReviveCounseling.org.
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So you said that you inferred that I don't compromise a lot and well in our relationship. So has there ever been a time that I have compromised in this relationship? Not once. Not one time. One time. That comes to mind. Only once, okay.
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And what's unfortunate about it is that you were still right even after you compromised. And I will admit it, here in front of everybody on Love Lessons that you were right.
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So I love animals.
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And we had an opportunity a few years ago, opportunity is a strong word, to get a new dog.
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So a friend of ours was selling, they're a dog breeder, professional dog breeder, and they were selling what we thought were golden doodle. Miniature golden doodles. Miniature golden doodles on Facebook. So they sold the entire litter and they had one dog left.(...) And it was to the point, he was like three or four months old. It was like they were running out of time to sell him. Nobody wants him at that point. They don't get to keep puppy stage or whatever. Posted him, I squall and bawled and slungs not on the wall and begged and pleaded for us to get this dog.(...) And I did the whole like, "Mom, I'll take him and walk him every day and I'll give him water and food and all these things."
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So finally, you tried to throw me a bone and you said fine. If they'll take him for like 200 bucks, mind you these are like $2,000 dogs, then we can have him.(...) You thought they were going to say no.
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But as it turns out, I said, "Would you take $200?" And we knew these people, they knew that we weren't psychopaths and that we were a safe home. And so they said, "Sure, we'd love to give him to you for $200." And so they were like crap. So I was all excited. I went to get him and it became immediately clear as soon as he got to the house that(...) Homeboy was A, not a golden doodle, but a standard poodle. He was enormous. He continued to grow enormously. And two, dude was like wound up super anxious. Yes, he was. Huge separation anxiety. Yeah. And he clung to you. You became his person. Yes. I was like not the mama. He was like, "Yes, you are the mama."
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To the point I had to sleep in the living room for the first week on the couch while he slept in the crate beside me and I would have to keep my hand on him or he would like freak out.
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And he had huge separation anxiety.
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He tried to put him in the crate because they say, "You know, dogs won't poop in their crate.(...) They don't poop where they like." And he did and then he sat in it. And if you've ever tried to clean poodle hair, let alone poodle hair that has poop stuck in it, it's not a good time.
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Weird segment, direction to go and love lessons. But anyway,(...) so it's just bad. It's bad. Yeah. He was a challenge. That's a good word. And I've never really had a hard time training a dog. I'm not teaching him to jump through hula hoops that are on fire or anything, but our dog Molly, I taught her to sit and to stay and to lay down and stuff pretty early on. So anyway, Tucker was a challenge. So finally, I take him to the vet one day for a checkup and I tell the doctor, I was like, "Listen, he's really having a hard time. This is really rough. I think he might need some anxiety medication."(...) And she was very opposed to giving him medication.(...) I understand. This was not a child I was trying to medicate for ADHD.
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This dog clearly struggled with anxiety. And the breed, if you've done any research, struggles with it too. Yes. So this is not new knowledge to anyone. So I'm like, "Hey, doc,(...) something's got to give here.
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We're all losing our minds a little bit." And she was like, "Well, you can try this and you can try this and you can try this."(...) And she was just not having it. She actually sent me home and it didn't get any better. And so for a follow up appointment, I went back and I was like, "All right, this is not working. Poor fella needs something. He's going to like, I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. He's so torn up and stuff."(...) And she was just not having it. And finally, it got to the point where I never walk into a room and say, "I am Dr. Zach Gammon because I think it's douchey and pretentious." But I finally looked at her and I said, "Listen, with all due respect,(...) I understand that you're a doctor.(...) I'm also a doctor. Meanwhile, you are the person who is most well equipped to treat an injury to a dog. I am most well equipped to treat anxiety.
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And if you don't give this dog medication, I'm leaving here and I'm going and getting on medication."(...) And so begrudgingly she did. And it helped him to some degree, but he was still so wound up that we ended up actually having to get rid of him. And I've never gotten rid of an animal before. I used to judge people who did that and then I became one of them. And so it was bad. He tore everything up because he was so nervous and messed up. He's in a wonderful home now. People who love him. It's got land or run around. Yes, and he's great. And they love him and they baby him and everything else.
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But it was not a good time.
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And you were right.
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Can you say that again? You were right. I need a little louder.(...) You were right.
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So it's awful coming out of the hospital. Tastes pretty bad, huh?
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Yeah. So that was a compromise.(...) And my life wasn't hunky dory through that time. Oh, it was the worst. Having to live with him and then you and him and then Molly and him. We kind of fed on each other too. He and I like fed on each other's anxiety. You did. And then the poor children were so upset when we got rid of him because they loved him dearly. Sure. We all did. We did. I was very upset too because he was a sweet boy. Yeah, he was great. He was the worst dog, but he was the best boy. Yes, that's true.
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So what areas in our life do you compromise?
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Hmm.
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This is really turning into another like you were right.
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Just tell everybody. Just tell everybody how you're the best. Go ahead. So I really enjoy like home decor and design. And I am by no means a professional. But I like the Hobby Lobby and the Kirklands and the At Home. Oh yeah. And I love going on Pinterest and I like keeping up with what the trends are doing and some of them I don't like but some of them I do. Wood paneling. No, wood paneling. Okay. So... Time out. You know what I really don't like and I'm so thankful that we agree on? What? Ship lap.
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Ship lap is the wood paneling of our generation. This is a hill I'm going to down. I don't hate it nearly as much as you do. I just think it's overdone. If you're listening and you have ship lap in your home, more power to you. If you're listening and you still have wood paneling from the 70s and 80s in your home, more power to you. All I'm saying is I think that in 15 years kids are going to walk through houses and be like, "Eh, they have ship lap." I just think just because Joanna Gaines does it doesn't mean that you need to. That sermon was free. Please proceed with your story. You just lost half of our listeners when you said that about Joanna Gaines, including me. I'm no longer listening to you.(...) How dare you speak. Is this ship lap lessons?
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That's it.
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No, but I really do love design and so when we were moving into our new house, I was wanting to update and freshen up a little bit and I had some ideas.
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I explained these ideas to you and you were turned off completely. They sounded like the worst. So I was going through this neutral farmhouse type thing.
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Which is interesting because you're not neutral about anything in life. No, I have great opinions on many things. There's not much I don't have an opinion on. I have never once said to you, "Can I get your opinion on something that you haven't been up on your feet ready to offer?" Yeah, so probably wanted to live in a neutral home because I needed a little bit of peace compared to what's going on in my brain all the time. It was like a neutral farmhouse with some French country things going on. That's the most wet girl thing I've ever heard. We did a little bit of renovation before we moved in. So I was working with a contractor and I just had ideas and you were like, "No." So you eventually did give and I was having to show you pictures online of like, "Here's what I'm going for." And you just were like, "I don't think this house can do that. I don't like that. It's not." But you did say, "Okay, whatever, fine." This might have been a time that you gave up instead of compromising. I'm not sure. I just needed a nap. I didn't care anymore. Well, okay.
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So we're not sure if this is actually an example of compromise. We might as well scrap this whole episode.
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It's all a lie. It's all been a lie. This whole thing is a sham I'm telling you. We're not even married in real life. We just met a few weeks ago when we started recording.
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Anyway, we renovated the house and it was all said and done after it was all up and decorated and you walked in and you were like, "Wow.
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Wow. This looks great. I totally see it now." And it's because it's not something that you have an eye for but I did and so then we compromised.
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Yeah, I guess. And so the newest one that you just did to me was it yesterday, the day before? It's not my time. So I have been wanting to do like a bold, moody bedroom and I really want to... We have like a black and it's called French Grey Bedroom Set.(...) It's really big and bold. It's like a French type theme and so I really want to do like some hunter green, emerald green walls with like big black velvet curtains, like very moody, very romantic. I feel moody just thinking about it.(...) And every time I break it up, he about throws up.(...) You're about ready to throw up.
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That's a hill you want to die on to. And so I've not brought it back up because it's not just my bedroom, it's your bedroom too and it's fine how it is. It's amazing that you allow me to even sleep there.(...) I shake your hand. We say, "Good night, sir." We bid each other good night and we roll over.
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And so two days ago, you sent me a message and said, "Okay. I kind of like the green because you saw a video of somebody's bedroom with the dark green walls and you saw..." It looked nice. And it looked nice. Yes.
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So yet again,(...) Blair was right.(...) It's not that was right, it's just that you're compromising.
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Have I ever done a design thing you did not like?
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I don't think so.
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I didn't like the apples in the kitchen when we first got married and all the red and stuff. That was a little much. But that was like the primitive country thing that people were doing at the time. Yeah, I didn't like it.(...) Okay. So I'll give you that one. Okay.
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And then I'll give you a little bit of history.
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I don't know if these chair covers for the love lessons.
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It's it.
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Okay. I don't like any of this. This is awful. Is it?
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No. Well, you picked half of it out and it might be the reason why. I was just trying to... It's so funny.
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I was just trying to find a reason to be contrarian when you had to lob an insult.
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I hate it here. But we have made some compromises in our... These two just happen to be times that I was right. Did you pick that for a reason?(...) No. You picked it. No. Maybe it's just because I'm usually right.
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Maybe it's because you're full of it.
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That could be it too.
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It's time for... Dirty Laundry. Dirty Laundry. Let's do it. Okay. So today's question says, "My husband and I go to different churches because of our beliefs. It doesn't seem to bother him, but I feel very disconnected since we don't worship together. Should we be at the same church? Should I cave on my beliefs and go to church with him? What should I do here?"(...) So this is kind of a two-pronged answer.(...) So at least in my perspective,(...) if it's a difference of worship style or like he goes to a contemporary church and you go to traditional or vice versa,(...) or if it's a situation where he goes to that church because he really likes that they have a nice men's program or whatever the case may be, if it's not a doctrinal issue that you disagree on... If it's a preference. Yes. If it's a preference. Thank you.(...) Then I don't see why there can't be some compromise there. That doesn't mean that you necessarily always have to go to the same church together, but that you can share in going to different services with each other.
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We have some great friends where the husband is Baptist and the wife is Catholic. And so he goes to the Baptist Church service on Sunday mornings and she goes to Mass on Sundays.(...) They always make it a point to go to each other's churches or parish depending on what kind of events are going on around them. So if it's like... I don't know, like a... Midnight Mass for church. Yeah. Like they'll go with that.
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Or if it's some type of like outreach event that the Baptist Church is doing, then she'll go to that. So there's no reason why you can't cooperate like that. Now there are some people who believe and it's okay if you disagree, but if you believe the biblical model of a marriage that the husband is to lead, then if it's not an issue of doctrine and it's an issue of preference, then should you follow your husband's leading in going to his church, I would leave that up to you and you go talk to your local pastor about that. They know more about you than I do, but that's a conversation worth having. Now that being said,(...) if it is a doctrine issue, if it is an issue of their belief in salvation or the Trinity or the role of baptism or maybe they believe in the gifts of the spirit, the apostolic gifts, and you don't, that might be cause for having some separation in church services. If you believe that the other person is going to church and where they're going is teaching heresy, that is different. By the way, just because you disagree with something doesn't mean that it's heresy. It just means that there's a different view of doctrine there.
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If it's a secondary or a third tier issue, then I don't see as much.
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It's cyclical within the Christian community. There are doctrinal issues that come up every decade or so. Right now a big one on the internet that people argue about is predestination versus free will. If you're a member of any large scale Christian groups where they have these kinds of discussions that always come up on Facebook, that to me is a secondary issue.(...) You can worship together and have different views on that.(...) However, if you are married to someone who denies that Jesus is the Son of God, that is a primary issue in the Christian faith. That's where you find some difference.
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It's hard to know with this question, the nuance of the specifics, but if you're struggling in this, I would suggest going and talking to your pastor. If you have concerns, if it's a belief concern, go talk to your husband's pastor too and understand the beliefs of the church. Not in a derogatory way, but just help me to understand to put my mind at ease. At the end of the day, if it's a situation where neither of you feel that you need to leave your current church,(...) which by the way, if you do decide to leave your current church or if your husband were to come with you, have a good conversation with the pastor and explain why you're leaving. You honor on your way in, you honor on your way out. Don't just up and stop going.
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If it's a situation where you can't come together and regularly attend worship together, figure out a way that you can work together in that. Go back and forth with each other to different functions and events so that you do get to experience that time in communion with each other and with God. Just because you don't go to the same worship service, if that's not something you're able to do, does not mean that you can't study God's word together and you can't worship together just at home.(...) Exactly. That doesn't replace time spent in the local church. But you can add that and do it together. It can enhance your relationship with your spouse, but also your relationship with Christ.
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You actually create what we call spiritual intimacy in those times. Maybe you do a devotional together. You focus on the things that you do agree on and what you want to work on. Maybe you do a couple's devotion or get into a couple's Bible study, something that's going to be respectful of both of your beliefs if they're a little different, but it's still growing you in that way. There are ways to grow outside of just the local church that shouldn't take over.
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You and I are members of the same church, but we rarely actually get to worship at church together. I can't remember the last time we sat together at church.
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Serving in a pastoral role, I usually have 37 jobs and two hands on a Sunday morning.
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It's rare that you and I even sit beside each other. I'm always on baby duty. If baby's off schedule that day, then we're watching from home or we're being flexible. It doesn't mean that we don't worship God together. It doesn't mean that everything is falling apart. We're just in a season right now where it's different. That might be the case for this person who asked this question. Find a way that you can come together. It's all about considering those compromises again. Be sure to submit us your dirty laundry questions. You can send them to us on our Facebook page or send us an email at hello at lovelessons.fm. Of course, if you want to remain anonymous, just say so. We'll be happy to do that for you. All right, guys. We'll see you later. Take care.
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Thanks so much for tuning in to this episode of the Love Lessons Podcast. If you're enjoying the show, please feel free to rate, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you listen to your podcast. That helps others find the show, and we greatly appreciate it. Once again, thanks for tuning in, and we'll catch you in the next episode.